Little one,
I can't promise to be a perfect mother, but I promise to try to be perfect for you.
I want to be able to give you the two most important things in life - Jesus, and good education. With those you can go wherever you want to go in life, and achieve anything. I want to be able to provide for you; give you the best of everything you'll ever need. That will be my sole responsibility. I want to be able to give you better opportunities than i have gotten, because i want you to excel far above my own accomplishments.
I want to walk you through all the stages of your life, and teach what you need to know to survive each one. I want to be there when you say your first word and when your first tooth falls off. I want to be there to nurse every bruise and to tuck you in every night with a kiss. I never want to miss any key events in your life, so you can be convinced that no matter what happens, you'll always have a strong support system. I want to be there for every sports game, theater show, concert. I want to be able to sit in the audience and scream your name till I run out of breath or lose my voice. I want to be able to tap the lady next to me and say "hey, that's my child!" I want to drive you to your first day of school, and watch you walk down the aisle at graduation. I want to support your dreams and aspirations - financially, emotionally, and otherwise. I want to be the one to lay you a strong foundation, one on which you can keep building your life and withstand any form of adversity.
I want us to be able to talk to each other...about anything and everything. I want to be the one you talk to about life. About morality and religion, about sex and puberty, about love and feelings, about peer pressure, about failure and imperfection, about dignity and self respect...about everything that makes you human. I want to be the source of your greatest and most commendable advice. I want to be there when you make friends and learn to share your life with others so I can help you see the beauty in living for more than just yourself. I want to be there when you get hurt or disappointed so that you're reminded that you're never alone. I want to be there when you fall in love and when you get your heart broken so I can help you through the pain. I wanna be just a phone call away when you need to talk, and just one step away when you need some encouragement or prayer.
I want to be the one to discipline you. To tell you when you're wrong and correct you in fauthfulness and love. I want to be able to beat the shit out of you when you deserve it. I want to be able to stay out of your life when I need to, and let you make the mistakes you need to make to learn. Still, I want to be there when you make those mistakes so I can tell you what you could have done better. I want your inadequacies to be absent in my presence, and teach you that its perfecty okay to be flawed. I want to be able to say I'm sorry when I'm wrong, and apologse when I've hurt you. I want to be there to hold your hand when you need to make a tough decision, or to just hold you tight when you've made a wrong one. I want to be a model of the person you'd want to become.
I want us to have fun together! I want you to love Trey Songz as much as i do so we can go poster shopping together and buy meet and greet packages to concerts. I want us to go get ice cream and chocolates and just lay in bed all day talking and eating just because we can. I want us to take vacations to your favourite places and walk the beach from sunset till dark at mine. i want us to experiment togeteher, try different things, and do new things.
Most of all, little one, i just want to be your mother. To love you in the most honest and sincere way possible, and with the biggest and purest heart. To stand up for you in the face of others. To fight for your right any day, any time. To give you everything I can within my capacity. To be faithful in all my responsibilitites to you... Till death do us part.
...and one day, when I've lived and am aged, I want you to read this back to me, and tell me how well I succeeded.
Patiently waiting till you arrive,
Mommy.
xoxo
That is a letter to my unborn...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A PIECE OF ECLIPSE... I
She's tried to find it.
But if pain a teardrop, she's cried the pacific already;
If hurt a flower, she's been in the most beautiful gardens.
If that perfect end...if love... a book,
she's remained in the contents.
...and it's pain of the brokenness a delicate heart feels
watching the one she loves find happiness in another one's embrace.
the sad torture of the realization that what she always wanted so bad, was no longer an option.
the complications of holding on...not because she wants to,
but because there's no means of letting go.
the uncertainties of not being able to give up what she never had;
not being able to move past what was once a wish... a hope... a fantasy.
all over again she's searching...
searching for lost hope.
memories... nostalgia... she relives.
it was all with him one minute, and the next only without him -
pained from the knowledge that it was just about what she could give,
not what she could get;
how it made her feel, not what was real.
but she hadn't known. She'd wished...
and trusted...
and believed.
Now with every moment comes anxiety,
every memory brings a chill.
She'd laid her all, and behind him, he'd shut the door.
...she'd made a mistake just thinking 'forever'.
She is what she is. She'll never change.
what will the next be? Another mistake?
another walk?
another shut door?
Questions in her head...yearning in her heart.
So much love to give and no one to receive.
But what's emotion anyway?
she's lost it to tears... her senses, to fears.
believe it or not, she's broken. She's bled.
and the smile she wears is only a bit of her story.
She'll give others her words, and refrain from using them.
cause since they quit writing her fairytale,
they'd turned another's tragedy to one.
Everyday, every moment,
she feels the hurt, and pain, and loneliness.
she's letting go of the past, but the difficulty of walking away
when there's no visible path to future, burns.
Time is done telling, it's her head now.
Not her heart anymore.
Where her heart leads, her head won't go.
Done with emotion; just started on nous.
Cry all night.
Drink all summer.
Take a shot... for her.
###
That's a piece of eclipse... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
But if pain a teardrop, she's cried the pacific already;
If hurt a flower, she's been in the most beautiful gardens.
If that perfect end...if love... a book,
she's remained in the contents.
...and it's pain of the brokenness a delicate heart feels
watching the one she loves find happiness in another one's embrace.
the sad torture of the realization that what she always wanted so bad, was no longer an option.
the complications of holding on...not because she wants to,
but because there's no means of letting go.
the uncertainties of not being able to give up what she never had;
not being able to move past what was once a wish... a hope... a fantasy.
all over again she's searching...
searching for lost hope.
memories... nostalgia... she relives.
it was all with him one minute, and the next only without him -
pained from the knowledge that it was just about what she could give,
not what she could get;
how it made her feel, not what was real.
but she hadn't known. She'd wished...
and trusted...
and believed.
Now with every moment comes anxiety,
every memory brings a chill.
She'd laid her all, and behind him, he'd shut the door.
...she'd made a mistake just thinking 'forever'.
She is what she is. She'll never change.
what will the next be? Another mistake?
another walk?
another shut door?
Questions in her head...yearning in her heart.
So much love to give and no one to receive.
But what's emotion anyway?
she's lost it to tears... her senses, to fears.
believe it or not, she's broken. She's bled.
and the smile she wears is only a bit of her story.
She'll give others her words, and refrain from using them.
cause since they quit writing her fairytale,
they'd turned another's tragedy to one.
Everyday, every moment,
she feels the hurt, and pain, and loneliness.
she's letting go of the past, but the difficulty of walking away
when there's no visible path to future, burns.
Time is done telling, it's her head now.
Not her heart anymore.
Where her heart leads, her head won't go.
Done with emotion; just started on nous.
Cry all night.
Drink all summer.
Take a shot... for her.
###
That's a piece of eclipse... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Saturday, April 7, 2012
WHAT HIS BLOOD MEANS... TO ME.
So, you know how they say the first step to overcoming something is to admit it? If you answered no, well there it is. "They" say something like that. Moving on. I have many issues I have to overcome but admitting them is the hardest part. I hate the fact that I cannot be perfect. I have to admit that to be fine with making mistakes. I hate the fact that I cannot get all A's. I have to admit that to be okay with getting B's. Those are mediocre compared to one of the hardest things I'll ever have to admit, and this is it: I let my fear keep me from living and achieving. You're probably saying "Oh? That's it?" The answer is no. You see, fear comes in different shapes and forms - the fear of failure, the fear of imperfection, the fear of limitation, the fear of....cancer. I'm random with that last fear, and I know, but don't lose me just yet.
Take one moment to think about the people that cancer has taken away - those you know personally, and those you've heard of. Uncountable huh? I know. As I write, one of my favourite people in this world is on a bed suffering at the hands of this terrible disease. I'm on my knees daily for a miracle for him, and when I get up, I get that slight chill of fear. Never fails. Why? Cause that could be me. Now you're wondering why I would fear when it could be anyone at all, and I will tell you why. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a recurring condition of fibro adenoma. For those of you who don't feel like opening an extra tab to google what that means, I'll tell you. I have benign breast lumps...that are reoccurring. Meaning, if I take them out, they'll only just come back. I have 4 scars from surgery, and still have more than 9 lumps currently. Wow right? I know. My surgeon suggested I stop taking them out, but made it clear that I need to watch them closely and have regular check-ups because some cancerous ones come shielded in the looks of fibro adenomas. NOT what I wanted to hear.
Maybe some of you still don't understand. I wake-up everyday, and I get a slight chill when I think about this. I get on my knees for cancer patients I know, and in the back of my head, I can't help but think that could be me some day. Every time I go for a check-up, I sit in that chair waiting for the radiologist to determine my results and the doctor to walk in with something to tell me. Believe it or not, it crosses my mind sometimes that it may be something I do not want to hear. Do you understand now? This is a fear that I LIVE with, and one that will never go away. This, might be
You may have fears, and one of them may be of getting cancer, but you may not live with it like I do, and let me tell you now - both fears are not the same. Every time I talk to my mom, she always encourages me and reminds me that God is with me. When I say I am afraid, he asks me to cast ALL my fears on him for he cares for me. It is easy to hear this, but hard to obey. For many years I was stuck on why it had to be me. I am a young girl with a long life ahead of me, and this fear is not my idea of blissful maturity. If you don't get anything else from reading this, I want you to get this one thing: Jesus does something for us, that NO FEAR can take away. Let me explain. Jesus died. He shed his blood. For us. For you... For me. And his word says by his stripes, we are healed. Why did he die for us? Because he loved us, and not just loved us, but loved us perfectly. What does the bible say about perfect love?
It casts out fear. If Easter means nothing to you, let it mean this one thing on my behalf... What his blood means to me.
This past Wednesday, as I sat in that room after my ultrasound waiting for the radiologists results, and the doctor to come and tell me what he had to say, I was nervous as always. It is nerve wrecking. The doctor walked in and told me that everything looked about the same as last time, and that I didn't have anything to worry about, but reminded me to keep an eye on everything. After I breathed my sigh of relief, he looked at me and said, "Do you ever wonder, why you?" I smiled for a couple seconds and looked back at him and replied, "You know, maybe before, but not anymore. At this point, I'm more grateful than anything." The reason why I am more grateful than anything is because I know God never leaves me. I know what his blood has done for me, and what it means to me. I'm human, and I will fear, but God's perfect love overcomes my fear. That is why in 24 hours I may have just 5 seconds of fear. I spend the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds being aware of God's presence with me, and his perfect love for me.
So if you see me on twitter ranting off about my "twins" and encouraging girls to get checked because breast cancer is real, there it is. Now you know why. I don't know what it is in your life people, but Jesus died for you and for me. His blood covers everything that could possibly bother you. It is true that people die, and things go wrong, but when you have Jesus, everything will be okay.. in life... or in death.
Happy Easter.
This is what His blood means to me... as I do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo Credit 1 Photo Credit II Photo Credit III Photo Credit IV
Take one moment to think about the people that cancer has taken away - those you know personally, and those you've heard of. Uncountable huh? I know. As I write, one of my favourite people in this world is on a bed suffering at the hands of this terrible disease. I'm on my knees daily for a miracle for him, and when I get up, I get that slight chill of fear. Never fails. Why? Cause that could be me. Now you're wondering why I would fear when it could be anyone at all, and I will tell you why. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a recurring condition of fibro adenoma. For those of you who don't feel like opening an extra tab to google what that means, I'll tell you. I have benign breast lumps...that are reoccurring. Meaning, if I take them out, they'll only just come back. I have 4 scars from surgery, and still have more than 9 lumps currently. Wow right? I know. My surgeon suggested I stop taking them out, but made it clear that I need to watch them closely and have regular check-ups because some cancerous ones come shielded in the looks of fibro adenomas. NOT what I wanted to hear.
Maybe some of you still don't understand. I wake-up everyday, and I get a slight chill when I think about this. I get on my knees for cancer patients I know, and in the back of my head, I can't help but think that could be me some day. Every time I go for a check-up, I sit in that chair waiting for the radiologist to determine my results and the doctor to walk in with something to tell me. Believe it or not, it crosses my mind sometimes that it may be something I do not want to hear. Do you understand now? This is a fear that I LIVE with, and one that will never go away. This, might be
You may have fears, and one of them may be of getting cancer, but you may not live with it like I do, and let me tell you now - both fears are not the same. Every time I talk to my mom, she always encourages me and reminds me that God is with me. When I say I am afraid, he asks me to cast ALL my fears on him for he cares for me. It is easy to hear this, but hard to obey. For many years I was stuck on why it had to be me. I am a young girl with a long life ahead of me, and this fear is not my idea of blissful maturity. If you don't get anything else from reading this, I want you to get this one thing: Jesus does something for us, that NO FEAR can take away. Let me explain. Jesus died. He shed his blood. For us. For you... For me. And his word says by his stripes, we are healed. Why did he die for us? Because he loved us, and not just loved us, but loved us perfectly. What does the bible say about perfect love?
It casts out fear. If Easter means nothing to you, let it mean this one thing on my behalf... What his blood means to me.
This past Wednesday, as I sat in that room after my ultrasound waiting for the radiologists results, and the doctor to come and tell me what he had to say, I was nervous as always. It is nerve wrecking. The doctor walked in and told me that everything looked about the same as last time, and that I didn't have anything to worry about, but reminded me to keep an eye on everything. After I breathed my sigh of relief, he looked at me and said, "Do you ever wonder, why you?" I smiled for a couple seconds and looked back at him and replied, "You know, maybe before, but not anymore. At this point, I'm more grateful than anything." The reason why I am more grateful than anything is because I know God never leaves me. I know what his blood has done for me, and what it means to me. I'm human, and I will fear, but God's perfect love overcomes my fear. That is why in 24 hours I may have just 5 seconds of fear. I spend the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds being aware of God's presence with me, and his perfect love for me.
So if you see me on twitter ranting off about my "twins" and encouraging girls to get checked because breast cancer is real, there it is. Now you know why. I don't know what it is in your life people, but Jesus died for you and for me. His blood covers everything that could possibly bother you. It is true that people die, and things go wrong, but when you have Jesus, everything will be okay.. in life... or in death.
Happy Easter.
This is what His blood means to me... as I do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo Credit 1 Photo Credit II Photo Credit III Photo Credit IV
Monday, March 19, 2012
TO BE BEAUTIFUL? OR TO BE YOUR OWN BEAUTIFUL?
So, it's college right? (I really don't care how you answer)
Everyone comes into college with their own thing. For some people its craziness. For others its weirdness. For some people its just total boredom. Well, for me and my roommate, it was just basically whatever we made it with whatever we had. So it was a mix of all three, and possibly more. (That's debatable) Anyway, we had fun ways of doing things, and one of those ways was giving people names. Like if we saw someone and didn't know their name, but wanted to talk about them, we'd just call them something that would make us know who they are. Many names came out of this - Hyperactive, Hyperactive boo, Stunnaz, Proactive, Proud Family, LBC, Eww, The good boy, and many more. Some of them were full sentences too. Amidst all these unique names that we gave to people based on what they did or said, there is one name that reoccurred several times. Make-up. So, a conversation would go like this. "Hey, I saw make-up today. She looked really nice. Her hair was curled and everything, and her blazer was a real nice shade of yellow". "Oh, which make-up"? "The one with the longer darker hair". "Oooohhhh, that one. Yeah, she's always so nicely dressed."
As you can probably already tell, the reason why these girls were called make-up is because they wore an outrageous amount of make-up...everyday. You never saw them without make-up, so we just called them "make-up". Quite fitting I know, but that's not my point. Behind all this name giving, my roommate and I always wondered why these girls had to paint their faces so much. They are very pretty girls, and you'd think they'd be proud and embrace their natural beauty. Unfortunately, it's the opposite.
Make-up is an amazing thing, and you know, its nice to be able to change up the colour of your eyes, and lips, and wear longer eyelashes. I looked up the top 10 reasons why women wear make-up, and according to The Sundance Channel, the number one reason is to "be your own beautiful". Women, and maybe even men like to be beautiful, and they express it in make-up. It is an amazing thing to be able to do that! However, this same amazing thing, I think, is the root of this issue why people will never go without make-up - They want to be beautiful. I'm not going to sit here and say make-up doesn't enhance beauty, because oh my, would that be a lie! But if the reason that we wear make-up is to be beautiful though, then there is a problem.
As a child, I loved watching my mom put on make-up and it was fascinating to me. Because of that, I wanted to start wearing it too. I wanted to be able to be pretty! To cut the long story short, my mom never let me wear make-up at a young age. Why? I complained and cried, and I wanted to do it soooo badly. I mean, why would you be telling me not to do something you let me watch you do? Whenever she wasn't home I'd go and get some and wear it, and when I heard her horn, I'd go wash it off, and act like it was all cool.
Well I decided to ask her about it one day when she once again denied me the privilege to wear it. She nicely told me that I was already beautiful and didn't need make-up to make me beautiful. She told me that God still loved me, and she loved me, and that anyone that truly loved me would love me with or without make-up on. Best believe this - until I fully understood that, she didn't let me wear make-up.
This is where I'm going with this. Where do we draw the line between wearing make-up to be our own beautiful, and wearing make-up to feel beautiful? Where does our identity lie? In mascara, foundation and concealer... or in Jesus, family and love? Think about it. Many of these girls that wear make-up to enhance their beauty have made it so much of a habit that their identity unknowingly starts to get defined by make-up. Keyword - unknowingly. The moment someone begins to feel as though make-up completes them, and that they look terrible without it, then identity crisis sets in. There is that belief that make-up just makes them better, and after all, looks are everything right? It just takes one day, and then the next day, and then.... "this makes me look amazing!".... and then the next day, and the next. and the next.... and all those that follow. And slowly but surely, make-up begins to define you, and who you think you are.
I'm the one to fall for an absolutely gorgeous man, and am definitely the one to say good looks are a maximum plus, but listen. This may just be my opinion, but if you're reading it, there's a reason why. Wearing make-up everyday does not make you beautiful. It gradually makes you insecure, slowly takes away your self-worth, and rapidly chips away at your sense of identity. Im not a psychologist or anything, but if you doubt me, think of someone you know that wears make-up everyday without fail. Just tell them to go a day without it, and listen to allllllll the excuses they come up with to NOT do that. You'll be surprised at what you'll hear. It's as little as some foundation to even out your skin tone or some concealer to cover up those black heads. But what is important is recognizing the people that appreciate you without that concealer or foundation on. Find the one that tells you "You're amazingly beautiful" when you don't have make-up on. Remember that no matter what, your identity lies in Christ, and being made in God's image, you are beautiful! - With or without any facial enhancers.
That little girl in me is still alive! If you know me, you know I LOVEEE make-up. Have I gone a week without it? Yup! As a matter of fact, the last couple of days I haven't worn ANY make-up at all. When it's time to go out for some drinks, our when i get any opportunity to get dolled up, will I wear it? Sure thaing! Because I love to express myself in colour and improve my expertise with facial creativity. I don't wear make-up because I think it makes me beautiful. I wear it because I think it lets me express my own beautiful, and be it too!
Make-up is an absolutely beautiful blessing to women, but never forget, any blessing turned upside down, is a curse. Society makes us believe that to be beautiful you have to use Loreal, Mac, Maybelline, Almay, Estee Lauder, etc. They get the most beautiful celebrities to endorse their products, and tell me, isn't Beyonce, or Eva Longoria, or Queen Latifah, or Halle Berry beautiful? And it's just some make-up! Don't try to believe that it's just make-up. The moment you take it for granted, it begins to define key aspects of your life, and makes very significant changes to the person you think you really are. Real beauty is not something you want make-up to take away. It's something you want people to see through make-up.
That's all about make-up and identity...as i do it.
Inspired by : Kristie Martel
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit Photo credit Photo credit
Everyone comes into college with their own thing. For some people its craziness. For others its weirdness. For some people its just total boredom. Well, for me and my roommate, it was just basically whatever we made it with whatever we had. So it was a mix of all three, and possibly more. (That's debatable) Anyway, we had fun ways of doing things, and one of those ways was giving people names. Like if we saw someone and didn't know their name, but wanted to talk about them, we'd just call them something that would make us know who they are. Many names came out of this - Hyperactive, Hyperactive boo, Stunnaz, Proactive, Proud Family, LBC, Eww, The good boy, and many more. Some of them were full sentences too. Amidst all these unique names that we gave to people based on what they did or said, there is one name that reoccurred several times. Make-up. So, a conversation would go like this. "Hey, I saw make-up today. She looked really nice. Her hair was curled and everything, and her blazer was a real nice shade of yellow". "Oh, which make-up"? "The one with the longer darker hair". "Oooohhhh, that one. Yeah, she's always so nicely dressed."
As you can probably already tell, the reason why these girls were called make-up is because they wore an outrageous amount of make-up...everyday. You never saw them without make-up, so we just called them "make-up". Quite fitting I know, but that's not my point. Behind all this name giving, my roommate and I always wondered why these girls had to paint their faces so much. They are very pretty girls, and you'd think they'd be proud and embrace their natural beauty. Unfortunately, it's the opposite.
Make-up is an amazing thing, and you know, its nice to be able to change up the colour of your eyes, and lips, and wear longer eyelashes. I looked up the top 10 reasons why women wear make-up, and according to The Sundance Channel, the number one reason is to "be your own beautiful". Women, and maybe even men like to be beautiful, and they express it in make-up. It is an amazing thing to be able to do that! However, this same amazing thing, I think, is the root of this issue why people will never go without make-up - They want to be beautiful. I'm not going to sit here and say make-up doesn't enhance beauty, because oh my, would that be a lie! But if the reason that we wear make-up is to be beautiful though, then there is a problem.
As a child, I loved watching my mom put on make-up and it was fascinating to me. Because of that, I wanted to start wearing it too. I wanted to be able to be pretty! To cut the long story short, my mom never let me wear make-up at a young age. Why? I complained and cried, and I wanted to do it soooo badly. I mean, why would you be telling me not to do something you let me watch you do? Whenever she wasn't home I'd go and get some and wear it, and when I heard her horn, I'd go wash it off, and act like it was all cool.
Well I decided to ask her about it one day when she once again denied me the privilege to wear it. She nicely told me that I was already beautiful and didn't need make-up to make me beautiful. She told me that God still loved me, and she loved me, and that anyone that truly loved me would love me with or without make-up on. Best believe this - until I fully understood that, she didn't let me wear make-up.
This is where I'm going with this. Where do we draw the line between wearing make-up to be our own beautiful, and wearing make-up to feel beautiful? Where does our identity lie? In mascara, foundation and concealer... or in Jesus, family and love? Think about it. Many of these girls that wear make-up to enhance their beauty have made it so much of a habit that their identity unknowingly starts to get defined by make-up. Keyword - unknowingly. The moment someone begins to feel as though make-up completes them, and that they look terrible without it, then identity crisis sets in. There is that belief that make-up just makes them better, and after all, looks are everything right? It just takes one day, and then the next day, and then.... "this makes me look amazing!".... and then the next day, and the next. and the next.... and all those that follow. And slowly but surely, make-up begins to define you, and who you think you are.
I'm the one to fall for an absolutely gorgeous man, and am definitely the one to say good looks are a maximum plus, but listen. This may just be my opinion, but if you're reading it, there's a reason why. Wearing make-up everyday does not make you beautiful. It gradually makes you insecure, slowly takes away your self-worth, and rapidly chips away at your sense of identity. Im not a psychologist or anything, but if you doubt me, think of someone you know that wears make-up everyday without fail. Just tell them to go a day without it, and listen to allllllll the excuses they come up with to NOT do that. You'll be surprised at what you'll hear. It's as little as some foundation to even out your skin tone or some concealer to cover up those black heads. But what is important is recognizing the people that appreciate you without that concealer or foundation on. Find the one that tells you "You're amazingly beautiful" when you don't have make-up on. Remember that no matter what, your identity lies in Christ, and being made in God's image, you are beautiful! - With or without any facial enhancers.
That little girl in me is still alive! If you know me, you know I LOVEEE make-up. Have I gone a week without it? Yup! As a matter of fact, the last couple of days I haven't worn ANY make-up at all. When it's time to go out for some drinks, our when i get any opportunity to get dolled up, will I wear it? Sure thaing! Because I love to express myself in colour and improve my expertise with facial creativity. I don't wear make-up because I think it makes me beautiful. I wear it because I think it lets me express my own beautiful, and be it too!
Make-up is an absolutely beautiful blessing to women, but never forget, any blessing turned upside down, is a curse. Society makes us believe that to be beautiful you have to use Loreal, Mac, Maybelline, Almay, Estee Lauder, etc. They get the most beautiful celebrities to endorse their products, and tell me, isn't Beyonce, or Eva Longoria, or Queen Latifah, or Halle Berry beautiful? And it's just some make-up! Don't try to believe that it's just make-up. The moment you take it for granted, it begins to define key aspects of your life, and makes very significant changes to the person you think you really are. Real beauty is not something you want make-up to take away. It's something you want people to see through make-up.
That's all about make-up and identity...as i do it.
Inspired by : Kristie Martel
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit Photo credit Photo credit
Monday, February 6, 2012
PERCEPTIONS...LIVING DOWN TO THE NEGATIVE ONES?
If you've ever taken time to read my bio on this blog at all, you'll see what I say about people's perceptions about me. Those that like me call me amazing. Those that don't call me pathetic. I have no idea about those that are in the middle, but that's just some of the stuff I've heard. Ohhhhhhh wait. The last one I heard was "Selfish bitch". [Lmao!!] So yeah, you see, people have some reeeaaaaallllly diverse opinions of me. But you see, people's opinions of you can only be as much as you show them.
People's perceptions about you are built in several different ways. I'm a communications major, and I'm pretty sure you will fall asleep if I begin to rant about different perception theories and shit, so I'm not going to do that. However, I will say that perceptions are always built off of something. There has to be something that you do or say that makes someone perceive you the way they do. Unfortunately, these perceptions might not always be the greatest ones. That someone perceives me as a selfish bitch is not a great thing. [I just could honestly care less, cause I mean, if you want to pull out the speck in my eye before the log in yours, I think we gon have a problem. *evil grin* Anyway..] So yeah, perceptions are not always that great, but doesn't mean that they can't be. Some perceptions that people have of you are positive ones. To make my point though, I'm going to stick with negative perceptions.
I'm going to make the assumption, and I want to think that it is a safe one too, that no one really likes it when there is this negative perception that people have about them, especially when these people have never really met them. Everyone wants a chance to be able to prove themselves before they get judged, or before conclusions are made about them. It's only in our human nature to want others to see the good in us, and call us out for the good only. Because of this innate attribute of humans, we get frustrated when we hear all these negative stuff about us. And it's okay for us to not want to hear those things, but do we ever take time to understand that there is a difference between someones perceptions and what we really are? A lot of the time we fail to realize that what is more important is who we are and how we respond to the negative perceptions of us.
It bothers me when I see people who get so upset about the negative perceptions others have about them, but go on by all means to prove them right. I say it bothers me because I have come in contact with people who give me this whole speech about how badly others misread their actions or just even judge them based off of common stereotypes, but as soon as the speech is over, I turn around and the next time I see them, they are walking right into the words that they were mad at. Here's my point - You cannot be mad at people for giving you a reputation when you willingly choose to live it out. You can't be mad at someone that says your mean if you are actually mean. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a whore if you're actually a whore. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a bully if you're actually a bully. Honestly though, what are you even thinking!?
Perceptions are nothing permanent at all. They change in a split second. Nevertheless, they last a long ass time as well. People may have perceptions about you, but how you respond to those perceptions is what becomes a reality. If people have a false perception about you that makes you unhappy, you should be able to prove that it is false. If you cannot do that, isn't there some truth in it? Afterall, "perception IS reality" right?If you cannot prove a perception or reputation about yourself wrong, then you need to take some time and think about it, especially if it tempers with your comfort levels. I am in no way saying listen to all the shit that people are saying about you and take it all in and try to show them at all costs that they are mistaken. No. You don't live for other people. What I am saying is, if you truly are what you say you are, people will see it. Granted there are some perceptions about yourself you will not ever be able to change by staying true to who you are because people have their minds made up. Is that okay? Absolutely; because anyone who makes up their mind about you without giving you an opportunity to change it probably doesn't belong in your life anyway.
I heard something recently that broke my heart. A group of people who are constantly talking about the negative perceptions that people have of them just nicely lived up to the reputation they were given. If you are aware that the reputation is not a good one, why would you live up to it? It is not my place to judge anyone, and if you know me, I do not like to judge people, but there comes a point where you can unarguably tell stuff that just aint cool. I lost total respect for these people because of this, and it makes me sad, because whenever I look at them now, that's all I can think of. I swear, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
People are going to think what they want to think. Some you can change and some, you can't. If you think the way to live is to affirm negative perceptions and reputations that you have, then by all means, be my guest. However, the next time someone calls a mouse a mouse, don't fight them. Don't get mad or upset. Accept it, and move on. Cause all they see is a mouse; when you show them a mouse, they'll have no choice other than to believe it.
So you see, the person who called me a selfish bitch probably wouldn't take a million dollars to change her mind, or to say otherwise, (and I'm still searching for a damn to give on this one..lmao) but that's not who I'm living for. The people who think I'm pathetic may take that perception to their graves, and again, those are not who I'm living for. Me, on the other hand, am doing my best to remain true to who I am, and to always do what I know is right. Not that I really care, but if I eventually prove their perceptions wrong, then great! But I would rather have them keep their perceptions as perceptions, than for me to act upon them, and make them a reality by living down to them and affirming them.
That's perceptions...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit
People's perceptions about you are built in several different ways. I'm a communications major, and I'm pretty sure you will fall asleep if I begin to rant about different perception theories and shit, so I'm not going to do that. However, I will say that perceptions are always built off of something. There has to be something that you do or say that makes someone perceive you the way they do. Unfortunately, these perceptions might not always be the greatest ones. That someone perceives me as a selfish bitch is not a great thing. [I just could honestly care less, cause I mean, if you want to pull out the speck in my eye before the log in yours, I think we gon have a problem. *evil grin* Anyway..] So yeah, perceptions are not always that great, but doesn't mean that they can't be. Some perceptions that people have of you are positive ones. To make my point though, I'm going to stick with negative perceptions.
I'm going to make the assumption, and I want to think that it is a safe one too, that no one really likes it when there is this negative perception that people have about them, especially when these people have never really met them. Everyone wants a chance to be able to prove themselves before they get judged, or before conclusions are made about them. It's only in our human nature to want others to see the good in us, and call us out for the good only. Because of this innate attribute of humans, we get frustrated when we hear all these negative stuff about us. And it's okay for us to not want to hear those things, but do we ever take time to understand that there is a difference between someones perceptions and what we really are? A lot of the time we fail to realize that what is more important is who we are and how we respond to the negative perceptions of us.
It bothers me when I see people who get so upset about the negative perceptions others have about them, but go on by all means to prove them right. I say it bothers me because I have come in contact with people who give me this whole speech about how badly others misread their actions or just even judge them based off of common stereotypes, but as soon as the speech is over, I turn around and the next time I see them, they are walking right into the words that they were mad at. Here's my point - You cannot be mad at people for giving you a reputation when you willingly choose to live it out. You can't be mad at someone that says your mean if you are actually mean. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a whore if you're actually a whore. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a bully if you're actually a bully. Honestly though, what are you even thinking!?
Perceptions are nothing permanent at all. They change in a split second. Nevertheless, they last a long ass time as well. People may have perceptions about you, but how you respond to those perceptions is what becomes a reality. If people have a false perception about you that makes you unhappy, you should be able to prove that it is false. If you cannot do that, isn't there some truth in it? Afterall, "perception IS reality" right?If you cannot prove a perception or reputation about yourself wrong, then you need to take some time and think about it, especially if it tempers with your comfort levels. I am in no way saying listen to all the shit that people are saying about you and take it all in and try to show them at all costs that they are mistaken. No. You don't live for other people. What I am saying is, if you truly are what you say you are, people will see it. Granted there are some perceptions about yourself you will not ever be able to change by staying true to who you are because people have their minds made up. Is that okay? Absolutely; because anyone who makes up their mind about you without giving you an opportunity to change it probably doesn't belong in your life anyway.
I heard something recently that broke my heart. A group of people who are constantly talking about the negative perceptions that people have of them just nicely lived up to the reputation they were given. If you are aware that the reputation is not a good one, why would you live up to it? It is not my place to judge anyone, and if you know me, I do not like to judge people, but there comes a point where you can unarguably tell stuff that just aint cool. I lost total respect for these people because of this, and it makes me sad, because whenever I look at them now, that's all I can think of. I swear, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
People are going to think what they want to think. Some you can change and some, you can't. If you think the way to live is to affirm negative perceptions and reputations that you have, then by all means, be my guest. However, the next time someone calls a mouse a mouse, don't fight them. Don't get mad or upset. Accept it, and move on. Cause all they see is a mouse; when you show them a mouse, they'll have no choice other than to believe it.
So you see, the person who called me a selfish bitch probably wouldn't take a million dollars to change her mind, or to say otherwise, (and I'm still searching for a damn to give on this one..lmao) but that's not who I'm living for. The people who think I'm pathetic may take that perception to their graves, and again, those are not who I'm living for. Me, on the other hand, am doing my best to remain true to who I am, and to always do what I know is right. Not that I really care, but if I eventually prove their perceptions wrong, then great! But I would rather have them keep their perceptions as perceptions, than for me to act upon them, and make them a reality by living down to them and affirming them.
That's perceptions...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit
Thursday, January 5, 2012
2011 ... NO REGRETS, ONLY LESSONS LEARNED.
As usual, every year comes with a few lessons that you have to learn before it's over. 2011 brought me many lessons, and some of those were a hard pill to swallow. Here are some of the most important things I learned this year:
DEATH IS STILL A BITCH. You never get used to the pain of losing people you love. It's unbelievable pain, and just living in the reality that you will feel that pain again is scary. Chuka Okeke & Azubah Ityav, I miss you more than words than say. I still feel the pain of your departure like a fresh wound. Keep smiling down on me, and when I'm bout to do something wrong, smack me. :-)
LOVE IS OVERRATED. I know it's about love, but it's not only about love. People sit and write all these beautiful quotes that sound good only on paper and not in action. They say if you love someone, tell them before it's too late. Do they ever say what to do when the person just doesn't feel the same way? They say love doesn't give up if it really wants something. Do they ever say what to do when you can't, don't or won't get it? *shrug* Quit trying to make love blossom where it won't grow. Maybe like Rihanna, you'll find love in a hopeless place.
GOD PLACES PEOPLE IN STRATEGIC PLACES. I can't say it simpler than that. God places people right where you need them. You just have to realize it, and appreciate it. S/O to the most gorgeous Zednani St. John for being there for me when I thought I didn't need anyone to be. She always had the right words. Always. To Brenda Garcia for a more than amazing ride of friendship. To Vanessa Anyoti and Limunga Mingo for unwavering love and support and FUN! To Victoria Reese, Jonathan Eigege, Khushboo Gulabrai, Sean Markwei, Toyin Ogusanya, Christine and Katie IK and Kofi for their amazing sense of humour and company when I needed it the most. To everyone who reached out to me one way or the other, the love never dies. You know this.
MUSIC!!!! I can confidently say that I spent almost everyday longing to be in a studio singing out my lungs. I am in love with music. 2010 taught me that I wasn't a good writer. 2011 taught me that I could learn to be, and I'm working on it. I wrote three songs that I really love. And was in the studio for half a second over the summer. :-) I'm actually looking into modelling too right now, so yeah, music and modelling I guess. :-) Is there now a pattern to finding out what I really love? what else starts with an "M"? lol
THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL LIES WITHING YOU. I'm not going to make this unnecessarily long. Just one sentence - Before you can be totally comfortable, and not need the attention of any other person to feel good about yourself, you have to genuinely love yourself.
WISHING AND WAITING CAN BE COSTLY. Trust me, I would know. I'm not one to really push the whole "Life is short" thing, but honestly? It passes you by when you spend a good part of it wishing and waiting for something, when you could be working and achieving something else. If it's not happening, let it go. There's only so much that time can tell. If it doesn't wait for you, why wait for it? On to the next one.
I REALLY DO LOVE MY COUNTRY. I knew I loved Nigeria, but I didn't know I loved it this much. These bombings, corruption and a government with misplaced priorities have broken my heart greatly. I'm constantly on my knees for my country, and for God to step in and make the change happen. I just try to imagine this country with peace, without corruption, and with good leadership. #oneday.
A year full of manyyy experiences. There are some that created memories I want to hold on to forever. Others make me remember things that I am not proud of. Whichever way, I'm learning that regrets? They just don't cut it. Making memories and learning lessons, however, do.
That's what 2011 taught me... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
DEATH IS STILL A BITCH. You never get used to the pain of losing people you love. It's unbelievable pain, and just living in the reality that you will feel that pain again is scary. Chuka Okeke & Azubah Ityav, I miss you more than words than say. I still feel the pain of your departure like a fresh wound. Keep smiling down on me, and when I'm bout to do something wrong, smack me. :-)
LOVE IS OVERRATED. I know it's about love, but it's not only about love. People sit and write all these beautiful quotes that sound good only on paper and not in action. They say if you love someone, tell them before it's too late. Do they ever say what to do when the person just doesn't feel the same way? They say love doesn't give up if it really wants something. Do they ever say what to do when you can't, don't or won't get it? *shrug* Quit trying to make love blossom where it won't grow. Maybe like Rihanna, you'll find love in a hopeless place.
GOD PLACES PEOPLE IN STRATEGIC PLACES. I can't say it simpler than that. God places people right where you need them. You just have to realize it, and appreciate it. S/O to the most gorgeous Zednani St. John for being there for me when I thought I didn't need anyone to be. She always had the right words. Always. To Brenda Garcia for a more than amazing ride of friendship. To Vanessa Anyoti and Limunga Mingo for unwavering love and support and FUN! To Victoria Reese, Jonathan Eigege, Khushboo Gulabrai, Sean Markwei, Toyin Ogusanya, Christine and Katie IK and Kofi for their amazing sense of humour and company when I needed it the most. To everyone who reached out to me one way or the other, the love never dies. You know this.
MUSIC!!!! I can confidently say that I spent almost everyday longing to be in a studio singing out my lungs. I am in love with music. 2010 taught me that I wasn't a good writer. 2011 taught me that I could learn to be, and I'm working on it. I wrote three songs that I really love. And was in the studio for half a second over the summer. :-) I'm actually looking into modelling too right now, so yeah, music and modelling I guess. :-) Is there now a pattern to finding out what I really love? what else starts with an "M"? lol
THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL LIES WITHING YOU. I'm not going to make this unnecessarily long. Just one sentence - Before you can be totally comfortable, and not need the attention of any other person to feel good about yourself, you have to genuinely love yourself.
WISHING AND WAITING CAN BE COSTLY. Trust me, I would know. I'm not one to really push the whole "Life is short" thing, but honestly? It passes you by when you spend a good part of it wishing and waiting for something, when you could be working and achieving something else. If it's not happening, let it go. There's only so much that time can tell. If it doesn't wait for you, why wait for it? On to the next one.
I REALLY DO LOVE MY COUNTRY. I knew I loved Nigeria, but I didn't know I loved it this much. These bombings, corruption and a government with misplaced priorities have broken my heart greatly. I'm constantly on my knees for my country, and for God to step in and make the change happen. I just try to imagine this country with peace, without corruption, and with good leadership. #oneday.
A year full of manyyy experiences. There are some that created memories I want to hold on to forever. Others make me remember things that I am not proud of. Whichever way, I'm learning that regrets? They just don't cut it. Making memories and learning lessons, however, do.
That's what 2011 taught me... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Sunday, December 18, 2011
MY STRANGER III
Dear Stranger,
It'll be the last time.
Not because I'm done letting you know how I feel. The reason? I've finally acquired that strength I've looked for for so many years. It's standing right at my doorstep, and I'm about to let it in, but first, I'mma have to let you out; and I plan on doing that with these last words.
You see, on one hand, not many people go through what I've had to go through with you. On the other hand, I don't know what to say about those that have. There's something that we constantly search for without success. I'm not sure if it's the love that we long to be reciprocated, or the strength that we long to find to successfully move past the likes of you. I'm lying here on this bed, thinking of things that once reminded me of you - the times we laughed and kissed under the sun, the times we fought and walked out on each other. I'm listening to things that once reminded me of you - the love songs that want to be with someone, those that despise someone, those that want someone to love them back. I learned to be a little more careful about my diction when it regarded you, so permit me to explain my use of the word "once". Throwback roughly about 3 months ago. I'd be remembering those times, and listening to all this music...and crying - unhappy and wishing. Well here's what 3 months can do. I'm lying here, on this bed, with the widest smile on my face - happy, and trusting.
Granted, this is not the first time I've said stuff like this. It's amazing even to me, how much I've learned about myself in a hundred and something days. Here's three - I hate to flip out on people because that's just not me. [except i'm pushed to the wall]. I'm a better person than I gave myself credit for [God showed me], and most importantly, it's easy to let go of people once you understand exactly how you feel about them. I've finally made up my mind about you. I'm done with all the wishing. I'm done with waiting time out to see. I'm done with handing out second, third, fourth chances like dollar bills. I'm done with praying and telling God to give me something he's constantly saying no to. I'm done loving you. And yes, I'm comfortable saying that now. **smileee**
However, I have to acknowledge all the good stuff. You taught me so much it's unbelievable. You taught me that it's okay to not be so perfect, because imperfection is beauty. You taught me that I could believe in people, even when no one believed in them. You taught me the importance of maintaining relationships. You taught me the beauty of hurt and pain, and the joy of losing emotions in tears. One thing... the greatest thing you have ever taught me, is to accept strength when it comes, and move on. Unbreakable strength is at my door asking to be let in, but you know this - that we lose something to every strength that we receive. I tried to lose a lot of things in exchange for that strength, but all the stuff came right back to me, cause I wasn't sending out the right thing. I had tried everything... everything... but you. Right now, the only thing that stands between me and that strength is you. I already feel some of it, and judging by what I've felt so far, I think sending you out that door is worth every. single. bit. of that strength.
So, with these words, this is me sending you out that door, and out of my life. I'm taking the strength. It'll last longer than you ever did, and it can promise healing that you never could nurture. I wish you all the good things that life has to offer. and before I say have a good life, here's my last piece of advice.
You just did by losing me. Don't do it again.
I'll make a confession that my heart is overjoyed to reveal.
I don't miss you. Instead, it feels good to finally, ... be free.
annnnnnnnnndddd now I can say it. Have a good life. :-)
Goodbye stranger.
Please remain a stranger to me... Forever.
This will be the last letter...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit 1 Photo credit 2 Photo credit 3
It'll be the last time.
Not because I'm done letting you know how I feel. The reason? I've finally acquired that strength I've looked for for so many years. It's standing right at my doorstep, and I'm about to let it in, but first, I'mma have to let you out; and I plan on doing that with these last words.
You see, on one hand, not many people go through what I've had to go through with you. On the other hand, I don't know what to say about those that have. There's something that we constantly search for without success. I'm not sure if it's the love that we long to be reciprocated, or the strength that we long to find to successfully move past the likes of you. I'm lying here on this bed, thinking of things that once reminded me of you - the times we laughed and kissed under the sun, the times we fought and walked out on each other. I'm listening to things that once reminded me of you - the love songs that want to be with someone, those that despise someone, those that want someone to love them back. I learned to be a little more careful about my diction when it regarded you, so permit me to explain my use of the word "once". Throwback roughly about 3 months ago. I'd be remembering those times, and listening to all this music...and crying - unhappy and wishing. Well here's what 3 months can do. I'm lying here, on this bed, with the widest smile on my face - happy, and trusting.
However, I have to acknowledge all the good stuff. You taught me so much it's unbelievable. You taught me that it's okay to not be so perfect, because imperfection is beauty. You taught me that I could believe in people, even when no one believed in them. You taught me the importance of maintaining relationships. You taught me the beauty of hurt and pain, and the joy of losing emotions in tears. One thing... the greatest thing you have ever taught me, is to accept strength when it comes, and move on. Unbreakable strength is at my door asking to be let in, but you know this - that we lose something to every strength that we receive. I tried to lose a lot of things in exchange for that strength, but all the stuff came right back to me, cause I wasn't sending out the right thing. I had tried everything... everything... but you. Right now, the only thing that stands between me and that strength is you. I already feel some of it, and judging by what I've felt so far, I think sending you out that door is worth every. single. bit. of that strength.
So, with these words, this is me sending you out that door, and out of my life. I'm taking the strength. It'll last longer than you ever did, and it can promise healing that you never could nurture. I wish you all the good things that life has to offer. and before I say have a good life, here's my last piece of advice.
You just did by losing me. Don't do it again.
I'll make a confession that my heart is overjoyed to reveal.
I don't miss you. Instead, it feels good to finally, ... be free.
annnnnnnnnndddd now I can say it. Have a good life. :-)
Goodbye stranger.
Please remain a stranger to me... Forever.
This will be the last letter...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit 1 Photo credit 2 Photo credit 3
Friday, December 2, 2011
...IF YOU WERE ME, YOU WOULD PANIC TOO.
It wasn't long after I decided to take a little nap that I started getting calls. From my uncle - calm but highly unusual. From my aunt - not calm, and highly unusual. I KNEW something was wrong.
"Your brother called me screaming over the phone that he needed help! His stomach!" everything that came after that, is a total blur. I had to start my own calls. Called several people without answers, and out of choices, I remembered one last person I hadn't called. This, should've been my first call. My brother was in the hospital, suffering from an excruciating stomach ache, had puked about 9 times in 4 hours, and was coughing up a little bit of blood. First medical center put him in an ambulance and started taking him to where he could get better help. Then I get a text "I can't really text right now, but he's still unstable." At this point tears are coming down my eyes, I'm trying to get in touch with my parents, keep my aunt updated, get more information from his friend, and do all these things at the same time. Through my confusion, I put all these things on hold for a minute, got down on my knees, and told God what was on my mind. "See I don't know how, but there's power, when I'm on my knees."
After praying, I got back to my phone grind. answering and making calls, and trying to get all this information. I got a call saying he was in the ER, and finally getting professional attention. Shortly after, he calls me and says he was stabilized and doing fine. *sigh of relief* So I made all the calls I needed to make, saying he was stabilized but test results were soon to be released. I got off the couch to the kitchen. Made some indomie [noodles], and as I turned off the burner, about to serve my plate of food, I get another call from my brother. "I'm going in for surgery in the next one hour". My stomach dropped, and so did my jaw. I could only ask why, but I couldn't get professional answers. I made another round of calls updating people on the current situation, and immediately started looking for tickets to fly to Michigan. This was at about 10:35 pm, December 2nd. I dished out my food and went to the computer. If I have ever exaggerated, not now. I had THREE forks of my noodles, and decided eating wasn't going to do it for me. I lost all appetite, and I felt like I was in another world. This was not the night that I had planned.
I bought my ticket, and began to pack my bags, and look for rides to the airport. My flight was scheduled for 7am, so I had to leave my apartment at 5 at the latest, and no cabs were available for that time. [This has never happened to me before]. I finally got a friend to give me a ride to the airport, and stuff. I didn't sleep the whole night. Left for the airport at 5, checked in, boarded and was on my en route to Michigan. I had a really short layover at Cleveland but I made it to Grand Rapids at 9:30. God worked on my behalf and provided a ride that was waiting for me to arrive at the airport. I got picked up and we drove to the hospital.
This is when shit got real. I had made this whole trip, but somehow, this wasn't real to me. It had all happened wayy too fast and it just wasnt happening at all in my head. I walked through the door, and there was my brother. On the hospital bed. with tubes all down his right arm from the drip, and a tube up his nose. I swallowed reallllly hard. Kept swallowing hard because I was trying to fight all the tears that were coming to my eyes. I had to be strong for him. I held his hand, and he opened his eyes, and said "you're here", and smiled. Pause and understand one thing. I HATE HOSPITALS. H-a-t-e them. But at that moment, there was nowhere else in the world that I would rather have been. Nowhere.
The nurse came in and we excused her so she could take the tube out his nose. They took him for a short walk a little ways down the corridor and then back when he was tired. My lil' man is strong! Believe it. This wasn't even 12 hours after surgery and he was walking! Ah! What God does! Anyway, he got back in bed, and we got visitors the whole day. People from school, friends of family, everyone. Now, i'm sitting here with him. Just the two of us. He's fast asleep and has been for the past hour and 10 minutes. I'm so grateful because that's the longest he has gotten to sleep the whole day.
Through every step, all I could do was thank God. Yes, he's in pain and lying on a hospital bed, and I've had to fight tears since I walked through that door. But there are many more places he could be lying right now, and with that being said, I'm more than grateful to God that it's a hospital bed. All the love and support from all those that truly care has been amazing, and as I sit on this couch and write all this stuff, I may cry, but I can't complain. God has been wayy too faithful for me to complain. I mobilized prayer from as many places as I could, and what do you know, the prayer of the righteous availeth much!
I was definitely freaked out about everything, and panicked a lot of the time. After reading this, you may probably think that I had no reason to, but let me tell you this: When it all comes down to the life of someone you love more than yourself, shit gets REAL. I love my brother. More than I love myself. And if I had to pay an outrageous amount of money for a ticket to be here as early as possible this morning, then I did. If I had to skip classes, work, and appointments to be here, then I did. Because someone matters to me. Live for the people you love, and those that matter the most to you while you still have the chance.
If you were me, you would have panicked too.
That is all... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
"Your brother called me screaming over the phone that he needed help! His stomach!" everything that came after that, is a total blur. I had to start my own calls. Called several people without answers, and out of choices, I remembered one last person I hadn't called. This, should've been my first call. My brother was in the hospital, suffering from an excruciating stomach ache, had puked about 9 times in 4 hours, and was coughing up a little bit of blood. First medical center put him in an ambulance and started taking him to where he could get better help. Then I get a text "I can't really text right now, but he's still unstable." At this point tears are coming down my eyes, I'm trying to get in touch with my parents, keep my aunt updated, get more information from his friend, and do all these things at the same time. Through my confusion, I put all these things on hold for a minute, got down on my knees, and told God what was on my mind. "See I don't know how, but there's power, when I'm on my knees."
After praying, I got back to my phone grind. answering and making calls, and trying to get all this information. I got a call saying he was in the ER, and finally getting professional attention. Shortly after, he calls me and says he was stabilized and doing fine. *sigh of relief* So I made all the calls I needed to make, saying he was stabilized but test results were soon to be released. I got off the couch to the kitchen. Made some indomie [noodles], and as I turned off the burner, about to serve my plate of food, I get another call from my brother. "I'm going in for surgery in the next one hour". My stomach dropped, and so did my jaw. I could only ask why, but I couldn't get professional answers. I made another round of calls updating people on the current situation, and immediately started looking for tickets to fly to Michigan. This was at about 10:35 pm, December 2nd. I dished out my food and went to the computer. If I have ever exaggerated, not now. I had THREE forks of my noodles, and decided eating wasn't going to do it for me. I lost all appetite, and I felt like I was in another world. This was not the night that I had planned.
I bought my ticket, and began to pack my bags, and look for rides to the airport. My flight was scheduled for 7am, so I had to leave my apartment at 5 at the latest, and no cabs were available for that time. [This has never happened to me before]. I finally got a friend to give me a ride to the airport, and stuff. I didn't sleep the whole night. Left for the airport at 5, checked in, boarded and was on my en route to Michigan. I had a really short layover at Cleveland but I made it to Grand Rapids at 9:30. God worked on my behalf and provided a ride that was waiting for me to arrive at the airport. I got picked up and we drove to the hospital.
This is when shit got real. I had made this whole trip, but somehow, this wasn't real to me. It had all happened wayy too fast and it just wasnt happening at all in my head. I walked through the door, and there was my brother. On the hospital bed. with tubes all down his right arm from the drip, and a tube up his nose. I swallowed reallllly hard. Kept swallowing hard because I was trying to fight all the tears that were coming to my eyes. I had to be strong for him. I held his hand, and he opened his eyes, and said "you're here", and smiled. Pause and understand one thing. I HATE HOSPITALS. H-a-t-e them. But at that moment, there was nowhere else in the world that I would rather have been. Nowhere.
The nurse came in and we excused her so she could take the tube out his nose. They took him for a short walk a little ways down the corridor and then back when he was tired. My lil' man is strong! Believe it. This wasn't even 12 hours after surgery and he was walking! Ah! What God does! Anyway, he got back in bed, and we got visitors the whole day. People from school, friends of family, everyone. Now, i'm sitting here with him. Just the two of us. He's fast asleep and has been for the past hour and 10 minutes. I'm so grateful because that's the longest he has gotten to sleep the whole day.
Through every step, all I could do was thank God. Yes, he's in pain and lying on a hospital bed, and I've had to fight tears since I walked through that door. But there are many more places he could be lying right now, and with that being said, I'm more than grateful to God that it's a hospital bed. All the love and support from all those that truly care has been amazing, and as I sit on this couch and write all this stuff, I may cry, but I can't complain. God has been wayy too faithful for me to complain. I mobilized prayer from as many places as I could, and what do you know, the prayer of the righteous availeth much!
I was definitely freaked out about everything, and panicked a lot of the time. After reading this, you may probably think that I had no reason to, but let me tell you this: When it all comes down to the life of someone you love more than yourself, shit gets REAL. I love my brother. More than I love myself. And if I had to pay an outrageous amount of money for a ticket to be here as early as possible this morning, then I did. If I had to skip classes, work, and appointments to be here, then I did. Because someone matters to me. Live for the people you love, and those that matter the most to you while you still have the chance.
If you were me, you would have panicked too.
That is all... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Friday, November 25, 2011
THE SAFE ZONE...
My roommate suggested that I blog about tampons. Bad idea. So, I'mma roll with something else instead.
~~~~~*****~~~~~
I've drawn my own conclusions.
It's thanksgiving season. A lot of good food and turkey. Good time with family and friends, and if you're a college student like me, it's that time of the semester where you're just like "i'll take anything but school right now". I get the feeling. Trust me. There are some people or things that you do not want to have to see everyday, some people or things that just make you mad with their presence, and a whole bunch of home work that you do not want to do. yes, all of that. So you need somewhere to go just to get away from stuff, and have a little break. You know, get away from craziness.
Tell me though. Do you actually ever get away from craziness? You go home to a grand father who's terminal, or parents seeking a divorce. Someone's not going to be coming for thanksgiving dinner because there's some conflict and tension somewhere in the family.Maybe thanksgiving for you isn't even making turkey and stuffing, but going to visit grandma at the elderly home, and playing cards with her when she barely remembers who you are. Maybe it's going to visit your sibling in jail with tears in your eyes wishing they were never there in the first place. Maybe it's waking up to an ordinary day where everyone is just a member of a family and not a family. No, you didn't just get away from craziness. You got to it.
You know how people say life is short? Forget about all those beautiful quotes. Life is as long as it cud ever get, and it comes with troubles everyday. You constantly have to deal with stuff that you never thought you'd have to deal with, and you have to make adjustments everyday to accommodate unexpected situations and circumstances. You have to be in thinking mode all the time to ensure that you're making the right decisions and doing the right things. As overwhelming as life gets sometimes, you have to be able to withstand a lot of stuff, and just. keep. fighting.
My drawn conclusion? We never get away from craziness. There is NO safe zone.
Agree or disagree. Do as you please. But I'll tell you one thing. The more you try to get away from craziness, the more craziness you get; and remember, the more craziness you get, the less you have to be thankful for. It's just that simple. Life is long. and the only way you can spend it fruitfully and thankfully, is learning to deal with craziness - situations or people. Once again, it's easier said than done. But you only start to believe in your ability to deal with shit, when you tell yourself that you can. Running away from a situation never makes it better. Turning your back to a wave approaching the bank doesn't make it stop coming. Shutting your eyes in the sunlight doesn't make the sun yet. You need to be able to deal with somethings and then find space to move on. You should be concerned about what direction you're moving in, and not where you're standing, because the moment you begin to think that you stand firm, you'll begin to fall.
I know a little bit of craziness in my life, and I've just decided to deal with it, and move on. I've told myself that no matter what, I'm going to be happy and continue to be the person that God wants me to be. Craziness won't change that. Therefore, I'm very thankful. To God for the opportunity to live life and express myself. I'm thankful for the amazing family that God has given me to mold me through their loving kindness, and to continually build me into the person that God has destined me to be. I'm thankful for my friends, and the amazing support system that he has provided me with. Because I try to face the craziness, I'm able to let go of all of it, and find something to be thankful for this season.
You may be going through craziness - silly childish stuff, or real life important stuff. There is no safe zone, but you can definitely find one in Jesus when you begin to realize that your thankfulness beats your craziness to the ground. Find something this season to be thankful for.
That's the safe zone... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit Photo credit Photo credit
~~~~~*****~~~~~
I've drawn my own conclusions.
It's thanksgiving season. A lot of good food and turkey. Good time with family and friends, and if you're a college student like me, it's that time of the semester where you're just like "i'll take anything but school right now". I get the feeling. Trust me. There are some people or things that you do not want to have to see everyday, some people or things that just make you mad with their presence, and a whole bunch of home work that you do not want to do. yes, all of that. So you need somewhere to go just to get away from stuff, and have a little break. You know, get away from craziness.
Tell me though. Do you actually ever get away from craziness? You go home to a grand father who's terminal, or parents seeking a divorce. Someone's not going to be coming for thanksgiving dinner because there's some conflict and tension somewhere in the family.Maybe thanksgiving for you isn't even making turkey and stuffing, but going to visit grandma at the elderly home, and playing cards with her when she barely remembers who you are. Maybe it's going to visit your sibling in jail with tears in your eyes wishing they were never there in the first place. Maybe it's waking up to an ordinary day where everyone is just a member of a family and not a family. No, you didn't just get away from craziness. You got to it.
You know how people say life is short? Forget about all those beautiful quotes. Life is as long as it cud ever get, and it comes with troubles everyday. You constantly have to deal with stuff that you never thought you'd have to deal with, and you have to make adjustments everyday to accommodate unexpected situations and circumstances. You have to be in thinking mode all the time to ensure that you're making the right decisions and doing the right things. As overwhelming as life gets sometimes, you have to be able to withstand a lot of stuff, and just. keep. fighting.
My drawn conclusion? We never get away from craziness. There is NO safe zone.
Agree or disagree. Do as you please. But I'll tell you one thing. The more you try to get away from craziness, the more craziness you get; and remember, the more craziness you get, the less you have to be thankful for. It's just that simple. Life is long. and the only way you can spend it fruitfully and thankfully, is learning to deal with craziness - situations or people. Once again, it's easier said than done. But you only start to believe in your ability to deal with shit, when you tell yourself that you can. Running away from a situation never makes it better. Turning your back to a wave approaching the bank doesn't make it stop coming. Shutting your eyes in the sunlight doesn't make the sun yet. You need to be able to deal with somethings and then find space to move on. You should be concerned about what direction you're moving in, and not where you're standing, because the moment you begin to think that you stand firm, you'll begin to fall.
I know a little bit of craziness in my life, and I've just decided to deal with it, and move on. I've told myself that no matter what, I'm going to be happy and continue to be the person that God wants me to be. Craziness won't change that. Therefore, I'm very thankful. To God for the opportunity to live life and express myself. I'm thankful for the amazing family that God has given me to mold me through their loving kindness, and to continually build me into the person that God has destined me to be. I'm thankful for my friends, and the amazing support system that he has provided me with. Because I try to face the craziness, I'm able to let go of all of it, and find something to be thankful for this season.
You may be going through craziness - silly childish stuff, or real life important stuff. There is no safe zone, but you can definitely find one in Jesus when you begin to realize that your thankfulness beats your craziness to the ground. Find something this season to be thankful for.
That's the safe zone... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit Photo credit Photo credit
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
SO BASICALLYYYYYY...
I've been judged many times in my life, and to be candid, I don't know what any of it has been based off of - the way I dress, the people I hang out with, where I come from, my family or background - whatever else. I have been thought to be rude and mean, arrogant and conceited. I know those of you who know me are probably like whaaaaa? I know. *one eyebrow up and nodding* Best believe it.
This one time, I even had people invite me to their church because they believed that I didn't have salvation. [yup, I know]. A couple of weeks later, my roommate and I got mail from the church. They were pretty lucky I opened mine. My roommates went right to the trash - sealed and unopened. Why? We were judged right before we got into the church by the people that took us there. Then, the pastor had something good to prophesy about everyone else that came with the group from my school apart from me and my roommate. He said in his prophecy that we 'need salvation'. He was literally pushing my head [and my roommate's] so hard so we would fall because every other person he laid hands on fell. If we weren't moved by the spirit to fall, we were not going to fall. Precisely because, God cannot be mocked. People looked at us weird for not falling, but what are we saying about God if we just fell because other people were falling? *sigh*
Social networking has made the world in such a way that you know only as much as people choose to show you, and you take it because you have no choice. There are a million people out there who get on facebook, twitter, blogs, tumblr, blah blah blah, and say all the negative stuff they want about God because they don't care. Other people on the other hand, get on there, and say the most beautiful things about God. half of them really mean it, but for the other half, all that is a cover up for what they really do. You see people walking around singing Jesus, and you never know what goes on behind closed doors because you're never let in.
Until you're let in those doors, you're closed to the reality that people actually believe that they can mock God.
I'm not saying this because I think that I'm perfect. My flaws are infact, the greatest part of me. And I refuse to come on here and be all judgmental about people cause of the things I see going on around me, but I can't help but wonder how God feels sometimes. You try to talk down to people when you do worse stuff than they do. You sing the praises of God the loudest, yet you disobey him the most. You use God only so the world cannot see what's in your closet. I totally disagree with this lifestyle. If you're going to do dirt, then leave God out of it. You cannot be on the fence when it comes to Him. You're either with him, or you're not, and trying to associate with him when you're not with him is never the way to go.
You may not care, but take time to think about what you're saying about God to people who know the way you live. I mean, God is forgiving, but that does not mean we should take him for granted. If you think that no one will ever know the shit you do, just remember that nothing.. NOTHING... is hidden under the sun, and every now and then, the water runs past the river bank. Use whatever else you want to get over the stuff you hide from the world, but once you start to use God? Hunny you trippinnnn'.
So basicalllyyyyyy, be careful what part God plays in your life, and try to make sure it's the right one.
That's basicallyy it... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photocredit http://media.photobucket.com/image/follow+the+crowd%3F+/prit_resistol/follow-the-crowd.jpg
http://nicolas-henri.deviantart.com/art/It-Dwells-Behind-Closed-Doors-63609966
This one time, I even had people invite me to their church because they believed that I didn't have salvation. [yup, I know]. A couple of weeks later, my roommate and I got mail from the church. They were pretty lucky I opened mine. My roommates went right to the trash - sealed and unopened. Why? We were judged right before we got into the church by the people that took us there. Then, the pastor had something good to prophesy about everyone else that came with the group from my school apart from me and my roommate. He said in his prophecy that we 'need salvation'. He was literally pushing my head [and my roommate's] so hard so we would fall because every other person he laid hands on fell. If we weren't moved by the spirit to fall, we were not going to fall. Precisely because, God cannot be mocked. People looked at us weird for not falling, but what are we saying about God if we just fell because other people were falling? *sigh*
Social networking has made the world in such a way that you know only as much as people choose to show you, and you take it because you have no choice. There are a million people out there who get on facebook, twitter, blogs, tumblr, blah blah blah, and say all the negative stuff they want about God because they don't care. Other people on the other hand, get on there, and say the most beautiful things about God. half of them really mean it, but for the other half, all that is a cover up for what they really do. You see people walking around singing Jesus, and you never know what goes on behind closed doors because you're never let in.
Until you're let in those doors, you're closed to the reality that people actually believe that they can mock God.
I'm not saying this because I think that I'm perfect. My flaws are infact, the greatest part of me. And I refuse to come on here and be all judgmental about people cause of the things I see going on around me, but I can't help but wonder how God feels sometimes. You try to talk down to people when you do worse stuff than they do. You sing the praises of God the loudest, yet you disobey him the most. You use God only so the world cannot see what's in your closet. I totally disagree with this lifestyle. If you're going to do dirt, then leave God out of it. You cannot be on the fence when it comes to Him. You're either with him, or you're not, and trying to associate with him when you're not with him is never the way to go.
You may not care, but take time to think about what you're saying about God to people who know the way you live. I mean, God is forgiving, but that does not mean we should take him for granted. If you think that no one will ever know the shit you do, just remember that nothing.. NOTHING... is hidden under the sun, and every now and then, the water runs past the river bank. Use whatever else you want to get over the stuff you hide from the world, but once you start to use God? Hunny you trippinnnn'.
So basicalllyyyyyy, be careful what part God plays in your life, and try to make sure it's the right one.
That's basicallyy it... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photocredit http://media.photobucket.com/image/follow+the+crowd%3F+/prit_resistol/follow-the-crowd.jpg
http://nicolas-henri.deviantart.com/art/It-Dwells-Behind-Closed-Doors-63609966
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