I was just thinking about something that has been on my mind all weekend, and thought i should let my thoughts out. Thankfully, you're reading them.
So I am taking this Communications class this semester called Communication Process. We learn and discuss various communication theories. We read the theory for Monday, watch a movie that corresponds with it on Wednesday, and then discuss the theory and movie on Friday.
Last week was an interesting one. On Wednesday as usual, we watched a movie. However, this movie had A LOT of swearing. When I say swearing, I don't mean words like: shit, damn, hell, ass etc. In a lot of places like where I come from, those are not swear words. I mean words like the f bomb, and all other words that come from that one like anyone reading this should know. My schools is a Christian school, and my professor a very good Christian. Therefore, he was very bothered by the language in the movie, and was concerned that he was exposing us to negative stuff like that. After we watched the movie, he apologised to the class for all the swearing that was in it. OBV, it was not his fault. He felt so disturbed by this, and even later sent us an apology email. He did well, and i commend him for that.
On Friday, we got to class, and discussed the movie and the theory, but only for a few minutes. He broke us up into groups and said in light of the kind of movie we watched the previous class, we should discuss whether Christians ought to watch movies with explicit sexual scenes and strong language. It was very interesting that he wanted to know what we as students thought about it. However, he wanted a yes or no answer. And i am telling you, i began to think right from then, impossible.
We discussed in our groups, and when we were done, we began to discuss as a class. These were some of the things that people said:
1. If I can watch it with person A, but I cannot watch it with person B, should I be watching it at all?
2. If you are not convicted by it, then it is okay, but if you are convicted by it, then avoid it by all means.
3. If you are not convicted by it, but someone with you is convicted by it, then do not watch it.
4. If you cannot watch it if mom, dad, or Jesus was there, you should not be watching it.
5. It goes pretty much for anything including drugs, alchohol, etc If it affects you watching other people do it, avoid situations where you will have to be stuck watching other people do it.
6. With respect to swearing - The only thing that the bible has asked us not to say is the name of the Lord in vain. They are just words that the society attaches meaning to. Plus, it is a cultural thing.
7. When people swear, at least they are talking, so you can take the good out of what they are saying, and leave the swearing out of it. However, there is no good you can take out of sexual scenes. There is no reason for them in movies.
8. Those stuff affect you whether you know it or not. If you constantly expose yourself to negative stuff, it will bring you down.
So, I think that is all i remember people saying because a lot of the groups came to the consensus that it is a personal thing. You know what affects you and you know what you can expose yourself to. I agreed with some of the stuff, but I was indifferent about some others. Here's my opinion.
I want to start with the question about who defines sexual scenes and explicit language as wrong or right. Yes we are christians, so is it our religion? the society? or even our personal values? or maybe all of these in context? Here is what I am saying. If I am watching a movie with sexually explicit scenes, and I am married with a husband, is it wrong? Be careful before you answer, cause in this same situation, I am a Christian.
Things tend to get pretty complicated sometimes. that's just my point. I am not answering the question, but it's just food for thought. YOU take time to think about it.
We are all at different stages in our lives as christians. Some of us are just beginning, some of us are well into our walk with God, and for some of us, we are soooooo far into it a knife on our throats will not bring take us away from it. I do not think that as a beginner in the christian walk or journey you should be exposed to stuff like this. It can affect your walk with God and take you right back to square one. As someone who is well into your christian journey, I believe that you should have the discretion to know what you should watch, and what you should not watch. Whenever we said this in class, our professor called us out and said that in this present day, we like to make our lives a personal thing thinking that WE have control of things in our lives. I am not saying that we do have control over things in our lives, but do we not make choices? God gives us the opportunity to make choices for ourselves, so what I am saying is, make the right one. You know what will affect you. If you know you are easily led to sin by watching sexually explicit stuff, don't watch it. YOU have to make the choice. Also remember though, that the bible has said that if your right arm causes you to sin, then cut it off and throw it away. If you make the choice not to watch stuff like that, but your friends have made the choice to watch them, then do not be around them when they are watching stuff. YOU make the choices, God guards you.
I also agree with the fact that for swearing, the society has just attached meanings to words, and it is a cultural thing. Why aren't shit, damn, hell, ass , etc swear words where I come from? Isn't that society? Isn't that culture? So I go home and I am a saint because i do not say the f word. I come to America and I am a devil because i say shit or damn? What meanings have Americans attached to those words that make them vulgar? Why arent those same meanings attached to the words in other places?
Excuse my language, but f**k, f****d, etc, are english words. Listen to what the dictionary says.
F**k: To have sexual intercourse with. To treat unfairly or harshly. An english word that is GENERALLY considered profane.
F**king: An intensifier. e.g. what took you so f**king long?
F***ed: Broken. In trouble, very drunk, annoying or mean.
This word has meanings in the dictionary that make sense to be used just like any other word. WHY is it considered profane? My point here is that even more than just words and sexual scenes, the society twists a lot of things around.
Another thing that came to my mind when we discussed this was that if something is being depicted as wrong, it shouldn't be shielded. If you are showing a movie with a prostitute for example, and you show her kissing people ONLY, and you say she is a prostitute, is that an accurate depiction? If you are going to show a movie about a young man or woman that changed for the better in all aspects, and maybe became a christian or something, and changed the way he used to talk and stuff like that, would it be an accurate depiction to not have him use "swear words" before he became a better person? Many people might disagree with this, but I totally feel like if you are going to depict a wrong behaviour, do not do it halfway. do it in full. that is the reason why i do not agree with saying that sexual scenes are NEVER a necessity in movies. People need to know what is wrong or right. However, if sexual scenes or vulgar language are just used for the fun of it, then there is a problem.
Think about the fact that we are also exposed to these things in many other ways than just movies, whether we like it or not. Its just the world we live in. Look at perfume commercials. Why are they so sexual? Go to walmart to pick up a magazine. The front page is probably going to be of a girl not dressed appropriately. Go to a CD or DVD store. they are probably going to be playing music in which every other line is a swear word. How are you going to prevent these things that you have no control over? You NEED to be able to discern between what is right and wrong based on your values, beliefs, and religion etc. The same way you will not take in these things from public areas, is the same way you should not take them in in private. I know it is easier said than done, but in between that, there is trying. In the same way, apart from ratings, you do not have ANY idea what is going to be in a movie before you watch it, so you need to be able to take in the good stuff and let go of the bad. No matter how much you try to avoid it, bad stuff will follow you around anywhere you go. You have a choice to take it or leave it. God is always a source of help to make the right decisions.
So, its just some food for thought. I don't know what you think, but I guess that it what I've been thinking.
It's time to watch the Oscars now, and do my homework in between during commercials. :-]
That's all about my opinion on Christians, swear words and sexual scenes. .. as I do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
ITS ABOUT LOVE...N.O.T SINGLE AWARENESS
#yesisaidit.
So yesterday was February 14th. Apart from the fact that it was my very good friends birthday - Happy Birthday Gallo, much love! - it was Valentines day. Usually, i would rather call it love day as opposed to valentines day, but dont even ask me why. I have noooo idea.
Anyway, it's one of those days that doesnt really mean anythng to a single person. I know and understand that people preach the whole "love people around you, it's valentines day" sermon, and say that valentines day is a lot about loving everyone. you know yeah, i know this is true, but at the same time, i definitely think its all bull. I'm not saying that you shouldnt love everyone around you, or show Gods love. what im saying is this. take a few seconds after you read this post to review your facebook newsfeed or your twitter timeline from yesterday. I'm not going to say everyone, cause that would be a false claim, but ALMOST everyone who had that sermon a thier status was single. I feel like its really just an automatic psychological thing. So, im not saying that valentines day is for intimacy or for couples only, but neither am i saying that it is for loving everyone around you. I'm saying that love day is what you make it, not only based off of your relationship status or situation, but on your mindset.
Coming off of that thought, i have been single a lot of valentines days in my life. Including yesterday, just incase you were wondering. somehow, i still have a lot of people showing me some loveee (which i appreciate. i mean, who doesnt like to feel loved?) I have been in geneva for only 3 years, and experienced 2 valentines.. Permit me to say that it is an interesting dynamic that takes place when every single person is getting depressed. I mean, valentines day definitely calls single people out. Your mailbox gets a sheet of paper that says Happy Valentines Day, while the girl beside you gets a sheet of paper that says: You have mail too big to fit in your mailbox. Every one is planning dates for the evening, but you're pretty muchh just planning homework. You go on facebook, and your crush has just left a valentines message on another girl or boys wall. I know. The day couldn't get any worse. Or wait. Maybe it could. You waited all day for that text message... the one that never came.
I'm single, so i understand all these feelings. However, i don't beat myself up because its valentines day and i ain't got a man. Trust me, depression has NEVER been the way to go. There's no denying that it sucks not getting a bouquet of roses, chocolate in red heart shaped boxes, wine in a bottle tied in a bow, or a stuffed teddy holding a heart that says I Love You. As a matter of fact, it DOES suck. #yesitdoes. But depression is not changing that fact. Instead, get together with all the other single ladies and pop a bottle. Do some chardonnay, or ciroc, or even some malibu (my roommates personal favourite). Cheer to some Jameson.. Or like i told someone, if you go to geneva, buy a go green cup and drink some lemonade...haha.. Dont sit around remembering lost love or sulking over being lovelorn. Be happy, smile, grab some dinner with the ladies, and have a night out celebrating being single. From experience, it rocks.
If you're a man without a woman, i'm not sure getting all emotional would do it for you. Just think on the positive side. it saves you some cash for gas or something. maybe a new shaving kit, or a manicure set. I LOVE men with clean and nicely manicured nails. Thanx to my dad. :-)
Oh, and before i forget, to all those who refer to valentines day as single awareness day, you're definitely on a long thing. Save your single awareness day for a day other than February 14th. That day, is a day to celebrate love!
Thats all about being single and loving it..even on valentines day... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
So yesterday was February 14th. Apart from the fact that it was my very good friends birthday - Happy Birthday Gallo, much love! - it was Valentines day. Usually, i would rather call it love day as opposed to valentines day, but dont even ask me why. I have noooo idea.
Anyway, it's one of those days that doesnt really mean anythng to a single person. I know and understand that people preach the whole "love people around you, it's valentines day" sermon, and say that valentines day is a lot about loving everyone. you know yeah, i know this is true, but at the same time, i definitely think its all bull. I'm not saying that you shouldnt love everyone around you, or show Gods love. what im saying is this. take a few seconds after you read this post to review your facebook newsfeed or your twitter timeline from yesterday. I'm not going to say everyone, cause that would be a false claim, but ALMOST everyone who had that sermon a thier status was single. I feel like its really just an automatic psychological thing. So, im not saying that valentines day is for intimacy or for couples only, but neither am i saying that it is for loving everyone around you. I'm saying that love day is what you make it, not only based off of your relationship status or situation, but on your mindset.
Coming off of that thought, i have been single a lot of valentines days in my life. Including yesterday, just incase you were wondering. somehow, i still have a lot of people showing me some loveee (which i appreciate. i mean, who doesnt like to feel loved?) I have been in geneva for only 3 years, and experienced 2 valentines.. Permit me to say that it is an interesting dynamic that takes place when every single person is getting depressed. I mean, valentines day definitely calls single people out. Your mailbox gets a sheet of paper that says Happy Valentines Day, while the girl beside you gets a sheet of paper that says: You have mail too big to fit in your mailbox. Every one is planning dates for the evening, but you're pretty muchh just planning homework. You go on facebook, and your crush has just left a valentines message on another girl or boys wall. I know. The day couldn't get any worse. Or wait. Maybe it could. You waited all day for that text message... the one that never came.
I'm single, so i understand all these feelings. However, i don't beat myself up because its valentines day and i ain't got a man. Trust me, depression has NEVER been the way to go. There's no denying that it sucks not getting a bouquet of roses, chocolate in red heart shaped boxes, wine in a bottle tied in a bow, or a stuffed teddy holding a heart that says I Love You. As a matter of fact, it DOES suck. #yesitdoes. But depression is not changing that fact. Instead, get together with all the other single ladies and pop a bottle. Do some chardonnay, or ciroc, or even some malibu (my roommates personal favourite). Cheer to some Jameson.. Or like i told someone, if you go to geneva, buy a go green cup and drink some lemonade...haha.. Dont sit around remembering lost love or sulking over being lovelorn. Be happy, smile, grab some dinner with the ladies, and have a night out celebrating being single. From experience, it rocks.
If you're a man without a woman, i'm not sure getting all emotional would do it for you. Just think on the positive side. it saves you some cash for gas or something. maybe a new shaving kit, or a manicure set. I LOVE men with clean and nicely manicured nails. Thanx to my dad. :-)
Oh, and before i forget, to all those who refer to valentines day as single awareness day, you're definitely on a long thing. Save your single awareness day for a day other than February 14th. That day, is a day to celebrate love!
Thats all about being single and loving it..even on valentines day... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Friday, February 4, 2011
IF TRUE LOVE EXISTED...IT WOULD BE HIM... BESIDE ME... RIGHT NOW.
12... yes, since I was 12.
Our parents had always known each other. We ate breakfast at the same table, and rode in the same car to school. I made him tea when it was cold, and cooked him pasta when he was hungry. We played under the hot sun and ran around the playgrounds. We went on slides and climbed trees. We cuddled under the sheets when it rained, and had ice cream and popcorn at the movies. It was all the little perfect sibling thing, until someone asked me if i loved him - more than a brother. I'm not sure if it was the question or my response that came to me as a surprise, but the answer was ....
It's been many years later now. And he's been around the girls you know. I can't forget the one who would always go out and get drunk and only come back home to puke on his couch. Thankfully, it was a leather couch. Or the one who would always nag about everything, including the way he lay the cheese on her sandwich. Like really, who cares? Or the one who I once caught kissing his best friend. Oh my. If only he knew. Or the one that told him she was pregnant, but he wasn't the father. Wow, the two-timing whore. Or the one that told him he was full of shit anytime he tried to talk to her about things she was doing wrong. Who's full of shit? Or maybe it was the one who texted this boy at school the exact same thing she texted him. I knew.. all of it. He didn't.
I don't know if this was right or wrong, but I chose to be the good person. It hurt me each time. Tore me into pieces. Made me curse the day I ever met him. It suddenly sucked to know him. Everything about it made me cringe - the times he loved and cherished girls who treated him like trash. All the time he wasted thinking he was being loved. All the time.. the time I could've....
Should I have said something? No. I guess not. But i don't know if I was right by doing that. He always ended up realizing that he was with someone wrong, but right after getting rid of wrong, he was into another wrong. I couldn't tell him he was wrong. I had no right to question his choices or tell him who to love. I had no right to even ask why he chose who he did. I had no right to say anything about anything. And it's not because I chose not to have a right. I had no choice. If I did, I would tell him everything; one after the other. All about how....
He called me three days ago. Pouring his heart out to me, he told me everything that I already knew... everything about each of those girls... everything about how he was used and abused by them... about how he gave his all into loving someone who would only love him like shit... but it was all old to me. I had tried to let go of all the hurt that it caused me watching him love like a human being but live like a dog. It had been sometime now, and I wasn't going back to any of it. But then I asked myself why? Why was he telling me all this now? Why did I have to know? At this point, I wasn't sure I cared. I hurt soo much for someone who was never learning from his mistakes. I hurt soo much from someone who was never...
Then he said he loved me. He said he'd loved me since I was 12. He told me how he cried himself to sleep every night, knowing that the only one person he loved was someone who could never love him back in that way. He told me how he'd made up his mind to tell me, but freaked out as soon as he got to my room door. He told me about all the times he wanted to kiss me when we cuddled when it rained, and all the times he wanted to just hold me under the sun, and watch the rays beat my skin. He told me how under every smile he ever gave me, was a heart that only wanted one thing... one thing from me. One thing I could never give him. One thing...
One tear. Then two. Then a flood. I cried so hard but yet so silently. He couldnt hear me crying over the phone, because he would ask me why. A question that I could not answer anymore. Yes. I loved him too. Since I was 12. I wanted just as much to kiss him when we cuddled as it rained. I wanted just as much for him to hold me under the sun and look into my eyes. I wanted just as much to be his girl. Here I was now... wishing i had said something to him. wishing i had just blurted the hardest words of my life out to him when it hurt me the most. Wishing i had just said "i love you". Wishing he knew.
Life is unfortunate. He'll probably never know now. It couldve been him in my life right now, sharing all this joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness, smiles and tears, hope and worries. If only I had said before, what I what I could've said right now, He'd be the man.. the man that I'm walking down the isle with... tomorrow.
I want so desperately to tell him how much I loved him my whole life, and how much I probably still do, but those duties are for me to perform now, to only one man. The man who put a ring on my finger. He woke his sleeping dog, but I have to let mine lie. He'll never know how much... how much I loved him.
...only because, If true love existed, it would be him.. beside me... right now.
that's whatever it is..lol... as i do it..
~***shanpepe***~
Our parents had always known each other. We ate breakfast at the same table, and rode in the same car to school. I made him tea when it was cold, and cooked him pasta when he was hungry. We played under the hot sun and ran around the playgrounds. We went on slides and climbed trees. We cuddled under the sheets when it rained, and had ice cream and popcorn at the movies. It was all the little perfect sibling thing, until someone asked me if i loved him - more than a brother. I'm not sure if it was the question or my response that came to me as a surprise, but the answer was ....
It's been many years later now. And he's been around the girls you know. I can't forget the one who would always go out and get drunk and only come back home to puke on his couch. Thankfully, it was a leather couch. Or the one who would always nag about everything, including the way he lay the cheese on her sandwich. Like really, who cares? Or the one who I once caught kissing his best friend. Oh my. If only he knew. Or the one that told him she was pregnant, but he wasn't the father. Wow, the two-timing whore. Or the one that told him he was full of shit anytime he tried to talk to her about things she was doing wrong. Who's full of shit? Or maybe it was the one who texted this boy at school the exact same thing she texted him. I knew.. all of it. He didn't.
I don't know if this was right or wrong, but I chose to be the good person. It hurt me each time. Tore me into pieces. Made me curse the day I ever met him. It suddenly sucked to know him. Everything about it made me cringe - the times he loved and cherished girls who treated him like trash. All the time he wasted thinking he was being loved. All the time.. the time I could've....
Should I have said something? No. I guess not. But i don't know if I was right by doing that. He always ended up realizing that he was with someone wrong, but right after getting rid of wrong, he was into another wrong. I couldn't tell him he was wrong. I had no right to question his choices or tell him who to love. I had no right to even ask why he chose who he did. I had no right to say anything about anything. And it's not because I chose not to have a right. I had no choice. If I did, I would tell him everything; one after the other. All about how....
He called me three days ago. Pouring his heart out to me, he told me everything that I already knew... everything about each of those girls... everything about how he was used and abused by them... about how he gave his all into loving someone who would only love him like shit... but it was all old to me. I had tried to let go of all the hurt that it caused me watching him love like a human being but live like a dog. It had been sometime now, and I wasn't going back to any of it. But then I asked myself why? Why was he telling me all this now? Why did I have to know? At this point, I wasn't sure I cared. I hurt soo much for someone who was never learning from his mistakes. I hurt soo much from someone who was never...
Then he said he loved me. He said he'd loved me since I was 12. He told me how he cried himself to sleep every night, knowing that the only one person he loved was someone who could never love him back in that way. He told me how he'd made up his mind to tell me, but freaked out as soon as he got to my room door. He told me about all the times he wanted to kiss me when we cuddled when it rained, and all the times he wanted to just hold me under the sun, and watch the rays beat my skin. He told me how under every smile he ever gave me, was a heart that only wanted one thing... one thing from me. One thing I could never give him. One thing...
One tear. Then two. Then a flood. I cried so hard but yet so silently. He couldnt hear me crying over the phone, because he would ask me why. A question that I could not answer anymore. Yes. I loved him too. Since I was 12. I wanted just as much to kiss him when we cuddled as it rained. I wanted just as much for him to hold me under the sun and look into my eyes. I wanted just as much to be his girl. Here I was now... wishing i had said something to him. wishing i had just blurted the hardest words of my life out to him when it hurt me the most. Wishing i had just said "i love you". Wishing he knew.
Life is unfortunate. He'll probably never know now. It couldve been him in my life right now, sharing all this joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness, smiles and tears, hope and worries. If only I had said before, what I what I could've said right now, He'd be the man.. the man that I'm walking down the isle with... tomorrow.
I want so desperately to tell him how much I loved him my whole life, and how much I probably still do, but those duties are for me to perform now, to only one man. The man who put a ring on my finger. He woke his sleeping dog, but I have to let mine lie. He'll never know how much... how much I loved him.
...only because, If true love existed, it would be him.. beside me... right now.
that's whatever it is..lol... as i do it..
~***shanpepe***~
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
...AND THIS IS DEF WHAT BEST FRIENDS DO.
... and yes.. One of the girls that I'm not afraid to say I love.. and truly mean it. Brenda Garcia makes part of me. def. obv.
that's loving brenda.. as I'll always do it.
Shanpepe...xoxo
Monday, January 17, 2011
...BEEN BLINDED TO YOUR GRACE..
... So a lot has happened in my life recently. If you read my last blog post, you'll know that i lost my two and only grandparents within the last three months of last year. I was a lot closer to my Grand mom so I was very shaken by her death. Two days after her funeral I had to come back to school. I couldn't concentrate at all. I couldn't get myself to do any school work or even just to read my Bible. I mean, it was like that the whole week until yesterday. I spoke to my parents over the phone and told them that everything was pretty "bleeehhh" to me, and that I just wasn't functioning. they prayed with me over the phone, and honestly, its the best feeling ever. I feel like God automatically answered. After that prayer, I went into deep thought. I keep a journal, and I wrote down exactly how I felt. this is what it said:
"It's been very hard to be myself lately, and if I was to say the least, I haven't been myself...at all. Life is a snafu, and at my age, I think I know pretty well that things don't always go the way that I plan. However, there are some things we don't plan because we have expectations, but then again, our expectations aren't always reality. What we expect it doesn't make it happen, and I guess that's the little problem I'm dealing with right now.
I expect that people I love will not die..even though I know that we will all die someday. I do not want pain or sorrow or hurt. I expect to get perfect grades..even though I know that I can never know it all I don't want B's or C's. I want A's. I expect to wake up healthy everyday..even though I know that health is never guaranteed. I don't want to be sick and drained.
ALL my expectations have been let down, and thats the reason I'm not myself. However, there is some more to it. I'm not focusing on the right stuff. I've been focusing on the fact that my expectations have been let down. Ive been focusing on how disappointed I've been with life the past few days, instead of focusing on your grace. I've left you out of my picture, and looked for answers in places that there are none. I haven't lived in the denial of your existence. I haven't lived in the denial of your presence with me. I haven't lived in the denial of your ever present love and affection towards me. But I have lived in the denial of your grace. I know thats its there, but at times like this when all my expectations have been flushed down the drain, I'm not able to see your grace. I'm blinded by my feelings of disappointment, sadness, and hurt. i shield myself with the walls of defense that i build against the world without recognizing that I'm also shielding myself from your grace... which is really the only thing that i need to move on.
Even as i write this, its easier said than done. I'm still blinded by my feelings, and shielded from your grace. however, there's one difference now. I feel it. i feel your grace. So now, open my eyes completely to see it, and uncover me now totally to be embraced by it... because i want to leave behind everything that is holding me back from experiencing your grace. i have tried to live without it, but with blinded eyes and a wall around me, I'm not sure i can take even one step in the right direction. i cant live without your grace, and it is more evident now than ever... that i don't even want to try."
I know that I'm not the only person being blinded to God's grace. Just take a moment and find a place for it in your life and see how much better things become. And don't ask questions. Just do it. God never disappoints. NEVER.
That's about God's grace.. as i do it.
~***Shanpepe***~
"It's been very hard to be myself lately, and if I was to say the least, I haven't been myself...at all. Life is a snafu, and at my age, I think I know pretty well that things don't always go the way that I plan. However, there are some things we don't plan because we have expectations, but then again, our expectations aren't always reality. What we expect it doesn't make it happen, and I guess that's the little problem I'm dealing with right now.
I expect that people I love will not die..even though I know that we will all die someday. I do not want pain or sorrow or hurt. I expect to get perfect grades..even though I know that I can never know it all I don't want B's or C's. I want A's. I expect to wake up healthy everyday..even though I know that health is never guaranteed. I don't want to be sick and drained.
ALL my expectations have been let down, and thats the reason I'm not myself. However, there is some more to it. I'm not focusing on the right stuff. I've been focusing on the fact that my expectations have been let down. Ive been focusing on how disappointed I've been with life the past few days, instead of focusing on your grace. I've left you out of my picture, and looked for answers in places that there are none. I haven't lived in the denial of your existence. I haven't lived in the denial of your presence with me. I haven't lived in the denial of your ever present love and affection towards me. But I have lived in the denial of your grace. I know thats its there, but at times like this when all my expectations have been flushed down the drain, I'm not able to see your grace. I'm blinded by my feelings of disappointment, sadness, and hurt. i shield myself with the walls of defense that i build against the world without recognizing that I'm also shielding myself from your grace... which is really the only thing that i need to move on.
Even as i write this, its easier said than done. I'm still blinded by my feelings, and shielded from your grace. however, there's one difference now. I feel it. i feel your grace. So now, open my eyes completely to see it, and uncover me now totally to be embraced by it... because i want to leave behind everything that is holding me back from experiencing your grace. i have tried to live without it, but with blinded eyes and a wall around me, I'm not sure i can take even one step in the right direction. i cant live without your grace, and it is more evident now than ever... that i don't even want to try."
I know that I'm not the only person being blinded to God's grace. Just take a moment and find a place for it in your life and see how much better things become. And don't ask questions. Just do it. God never disappoints. NEVER.
That's about God's grace.. as i do it.
~***Shanpepe***~
Thursday, November 18, 2010
"WOMAN AT THE WELL"...
"I am a woman of no distinction...of little importance. I am a woman of no reputation...save that which is bad. You whisper as I pass by and cast judgmental glances, though you dont really take the time to look at me, or even get to know me.
For to be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.
Otherwise, whats the point in doing either one of them in the first place? I WANT TO BE KNOWN. I want someone to look at my face and not just see two eyes, a nose, a mouth and two ears; But to see that i am.. and could be all my hopes, loves and fears.
But thats too much to hope for.. to wish for.. or pray for. So i don't... not anymore. Now i keep to myself, and by that i mean the pain that keeps me in my own private jail.. the pain thats brought me here at midday to this well.
No ask for a drink passing from these hands to your lips could ever be refreshing...only condemning, as I'm sure you condemn me now.. But you don't.
You're a man of no distinction; Though of utmost inportance. A man with little reputation, at least so far. You whisper and tell me to face what all those glances have been about, and you take the time to really look at me... but don't need to get to know.
For to be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.
And you know me. You actually know me; all of me and everything about me. Every thought inside, and hair on top of my head; Every hurt stored up... every hope... every dread.. My past and my future, all i am and could be. You tell me everything, you tell me about ME!
And that which is spoken by another would bring hate and condemnation. Coming from you brings love, grace, mercy, hope and salvation. I've heard of one to come who could save a wretch like me, and here... in my presence... you say, I AM HE..
To be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known.
And i just met you. But i love you. I don't know you, but i want to get to. Let me run back to town this is way to much just for me. There are others: brothers... sisters... lovers... haters.... The good and the bad, sinners and saints, who should hear what you've told me, who should see what you've shown me, who should taste what you gave me, who should feel how you forgave.
For to be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.
And they all need this, too. We all do. Need it... for our own".
I didnt write this. It was written by Chris Kinsley and Drew Francis. But as soon as i read this, i felt like i was the woman speaking. It just cut really deep to all those feelings of pain, and hurt that we hide from the world around us when everyone thinks we're fine.
I wrote this to all my ladies out there. One time or the other in your life, you will be that woman at the well. For some of you it has happened.. for some its only just happening.. for some it is ahead. And for everyone of us, it will definitely be more than once. As you take time out to read this, just think of how Jesus has come to take away all that youve felt for forever.. all the bad feelings that youve had. He loves you, and he is the only one that can lift that burden off a woman of no distinction and make her into something beautiful. He did it for me... I guarantee you, he will do it for you... and if he doesn't, then hell freezes...
Thats all about the woman at the well.. as Jesus did it.
~***shanpepe***~
For to be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.
Otherwise, whats the point in doing either one of them in the first place? I WANT TO BE KNOWN. I want someone to look at my face and not just see two eyes, a nose, a mouth and two ears; But to see that i am.. and could be all my hopes, loves and fears.
But thats too much to hope for.. to wish for.. or pray for. So i don't... not anymore. Now i keep to myself, and by that i mean the pain that keeps me in my own private jail.. the pain thats brought me here at midday to this well.
No ask for a drink passing from these hands to your lips could ever be refreshing...only condemning, as I'm sure you condemn me now.. But you don't.
You're a man of no distinction; Though of utmost inportance. A man with little reputation, at least so far. You whisper and tell me to face what all those glances have been about, and you take the time to really look at me... but don't need to get to know.
For to be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.
And you know me. You actually know me; all of me and everything about me. Every thought inside, and hair on top of my head; Every hurt stored up... every hope... every dread.. My past and my future, all i am and could be. You tell me everything, you tell me about ME!
And that which is spoken by another would bring hate and condemnation. Coming from you brings love, grace, mercy, hope and salvation. I've heard of one to come who could save a wretch like me, and here... in my presence... you say, I AM HE..
To be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known.
And i just met you. But i love you. I don't know you, but i want to get to. Let me run back to town this is way to much just for me. There are others: brothers... sisters... lovers... haters.... The good and the bad, sinners and saints, who should hear what you've told me, who should see what you've shown me, who should taste what you gave me, who should feel how you forgave.
For to be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.
And they all need this, too. We all do. Need it... for our own".
I didnt write this. It was written by Chris Kinsley and Drew Francis. But as soon as i read this, i felt like i was the woman speaking. It just cut really deep to all those feelings of pain, and hurt that we hide from the world around us when everyone thinks we're fine.
I wrote this to all my ladies out there. One time or the other in your life, you will be that woman at the well. For some of you it has happened.. for some its only just happening.. for some it is ahead. And for everyone of us, it will definitely be more than once. As you take time out to read this, just think of how Jesus has come to take away all that youve felt for forever.. all the bad feelings that youve had. He loves you, and he is the only one that can lift that burden off a woman of no distinction and make her into something beautiful. He did it for me... I guarantee you, he will do it for you... and if he doesn't, then hell freezes...
Thats all about the woman at the well.. as Jesus did it.
~***shanpepe***~
Sunday, November 7, 2010
THERE'S ONE FEELING THAT EVERYONE SHARES... DESPERATION.
...and you didn't read wrong.
I've been thinking about writing this blog for a while now, but i couldn't exactly make out what i wanted to write. As i sat back today and watched desperate housewives, i figured i would just write as it came... but that wasn't the only thing i figured. I figured that everyone, in one way the other in life, ...is desperate.
Mhmm... desperate... you are desperate... and if its any consolation to you, i am too... lol... if you have a rather low level of analysis, then you're probably sitting in your chair thinking - this girl is nuts. Theres no way im desperate. and if you're a guy, you're probably sipping on your coffee thinking - this is just another one of those naiive writers. Sorry to disappoint you, but im about to say it again. We are all desperate, and that 'we'? yes hunny. it includes you.
I've watched sooo many things happen in the 20 years that lived, and its pretty clear to me, that there is a lot we are yet to get control over. One of those things that we usually allow to overtake us, but by all mens need control over is our emotions. not very long ago, i wrote a song, and the last line in one of one of the verses went like this :- "emotions playing my enemy".
There are so many reasons why we get so desperate... - you're desperate because you have a cheating boyfriend - desperate for fidelity. You have an ex you're trying to get over, when you both know you're stuck on each other - desperate for an end. You're waiting for that text message or that call that never comes - desperate for a reply. You're waiting for your roommate to finally say its okay that you messed her stuff up - desperate for peace. You're fighting with your friend over flimsy stuff - desperate for reconciliation. You are the fat one among all your model figure slim friends - desperate for beauty. You're the one getting the d's on all the tests - desperate for success. All your friends have them a man, and it makes you uncomfortable that you don't - desperate for love.
As i watched the housewives today, i realised how each of them was clearly dealing with desperation, and how everyone faces it somehow. The point is, these desperations make us do certain things. Sometimes we realise that we are desperate, and we accept it, and therefore control what we do about it. Other times, we do not realise that our actions are a reflection of our desperation... not because we dont know that we are desperate, but because we dont want to admit it.
I've spent a lot of my life in desperation... even up until recently... my professor gave y a 19 out of 25 on a podcast, and tells me thats a good grade. Im desperate for success, i dont get C's. at least my 3.8 g.p.a and my transcript say that much. the moment i give into getting C's, and accept one C grade, thier never gon stop coming. My grand pa just died a few weeks ago, and if youve been following my blog, youve prolly read about that - ... im desperate for comfort. (yes, i still think of him, and cry..) I'm struggling in school.. being so far away from home and family, and trying to get a good education. - im desperate for a good and secure future. Of course im human too.. so im desperate for love, emotional satisfaction, acceptance, all that.
There are soo many things im desperate for.. but theres one thing above all else, that im desperate for... one thing i want... not because i can live with it, but because i cant live without it. One thing i dont want to go a day without... Im desperate... desperate for Jesus.
Here's what im saying.. we are all very desperate for different things, and its okay to admit them.. Im not saying stand on the roof of your house and gather a crowd just to scream to them that youre desperate for a job or for a man... you'll probably be stoned till you bleed... hehe. At least, admit them to yourself, and coe to terms with the fact that youre desperate for a lot. But while you put that into perspective, remember that its important to prioritize. Don't put your desperation for meaningless things before your desperation for important things. I have admitted that im desperate... not just to myself, but to the world as well... you're prolly not the only person reading this. But at the top of my priority list is God. I'm desperate for God, and every other thing comes after that..
So ask yourself the question... what are you desperate for?? and in what order have you put your desperations?? the actions you make everyday are a reflection of those desperations.. and believe it or not, it is clear to the world when you have misplaced priorities... trust me, there are people watching you.. everyday day that you live, and every step that you take... either because they like you and want to be like you, or because they hate you, and want to mess you up.. dont give your haters something to pick up on... #justsaying.
Its totally okay to be desperate, as long as you're desperate for the right reasons, and know how to control your actions when you realise that youre desperate for the wrong ones.
oh well... guess its time to go now...
thats all about desperation... as i do it..
~***shanpepe***~
I've been thinking about writing this blog for a while now, but i couldn't exactly make out what i wanted to write. As i sat back today and watched desperate housewives, i figured i would just write as it came... but that wasn't the only thing i figured. I figured that everyone, in one way the other in life, ...is desperate.
Mhmm... desperate... you are desperate... and if its any consolation to you, i am too... lol... if you have a rather low level of analysis, then you're probably sitting in your chair thinking - this girl is nuts. Theres no way im desperate. and if you're a guy, you're probably sipping on your coffee thinking - this is just another one of those naiive writers. Sorry to disappoint you, but im about to say it again. We are all desperate, and that 'we'? yes hunny. it includes you.
I've watched sooo many things happen in the 20 years that lived, and its pretty clear to me, that there is a lot we are yet to get control over. One of those things that we usually allow to overtake us, but by all mens need control over is our emotions. not very long ago, i wrote a song, and the last line in one of one of the verses went like this :- "emotions playing my enemy".
There are so many reasons why we get so desperate... - you're desperate because you have a cheating boyfriend - desperate for fidelity. You have an ex you're trying to get over, when you both know you're stuck on each other - desperate for an end. You're waiting for that text message or that call that never comes - desperate for a reply. You're waiting for your roommate to finally say its okay that you messed her stuff up - desperate for peace. You're fighting with your friend over flimsy stuff - desperate for reconciliation. You are the fat one among all your model figure slim friends - desperate for beauty. You're the one getting the d's on all the tests - desperate for success. All your friends have them a man, and it makes you uncomfortable that you don't - desperate for love.
As i watched the housewives today, i realised how each of them was clearly dealing with desperation, and how everyone faces it somehow. The point is, these desperations make us do certain things. Sometimes we realise that we are desperate, and we accept it, and therefore control what we do about it. Other times, we do not realise that our actions are a reflection of our desperation... not because we dont know that we are desperate, but because we dont want to admit it.
I've spent a lot of my life in desperation... even up until recently... my professor gave y a 19 out of 25 on a podcast, and tells me thats a good grade. Im desperate for success, i dont get C's. at least my 3.8 g.p.a and my transcript say that much. the moment i give into getting C's, and accept one C grade, thier never gon stop coming. My grand pa just died a few weeks ago, and if youve been following my blog, youve prolly read about that - ... im desperate for comfort. (yes, i still think of him, and cry..) I'm struggling in school.. being so far away from home and family, and trying to get a good education. - im desperate for a good and secure future. Of course im human too.. so im desperate for love, emotional satisfaction, acceptance, all that.
There are soo many things im desperate for.. but theres one thing above all else, that im desperate for... one thing i want... not because i can live with it, but because i cant live without it. One thing i dont want to go a day without... Im desperate... desperate for Jesus.
Here's what im saying.. we are all very desperate for different things, and its okay to admit them.. Im not saying stand on the roof of your house and gather a crowd just to scream to them that youre desperate for a job or for a man... you'll probably be stoned till you bleed... hehe. At least, admit them to yourself, and coe to terms with the fact that youre desperate for a lot. But while you put that into perspective, remember that its important to prioritize. Don't put your desperation for meaningless things before your desperation for important things. I have admitted that im desperate... not just to myself, but to the world as well... you're prolly not the only person reading this. But at the top of my priority list is God. I'm desperate for God, and every other thing comes after that..
So ask yourself the question... what are you desperate for?? and in what order have you put your desperations?? the actions you make everyday are a reflection of those desperations.. and believe it or not, it is clear to the world when you have misplaced priorities... trust me, there are people watching you.. everyday day that you live, and every step that you take... either because they like you and want to be like you, or because they hate you, and want to mess you up.. dont give your haters something to pick up on... #justsaying.
Its totally okay to be desperate, as long as you're desperate for the right reasons, and know how to control your actions when you realise that youre desperate for the wrong ones.
oh well... guess its time to go now...
thats all about desperation... as i do it..
~***shanpepe***~
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
SURROUNDED BY SAD PEOPLE....
Yes, you read it right...
Its Wednesday, 3rd November 2010.
Since Monday, I've been walking around school and my building, and everywhere i go, I see someone... Yh, you see people everyday too don't you? The only difference is, they are sad people. A lot of the people i've been bumping into lately are sad people.. This may sound wierd but thing about it. You see people smiling everyday, saying hi to each other, laughing at the cafeteria, and chilling on the lawns. You have no idea who these people are... you have no idea what thier backgrounds are... you have no idea what they are silently going through..
If you dont believe me, look at your life.. Isn't there soooo much youre hiding from the world? Isnt there so much you'd rather forget, and soo much you would give a left foot not to re-live? Isn't there soo much you wish you could erase from your life and make it perfect? Isn't there soo much you're dealing with.... right now?? even as you read this?? If you answer no to any of these questions, then i'm not sure you're living life, or living it the right way...
The person who last said hi to you after lunch may have just lost someone they love... The person you sat next to in class today may have just been through a breakup... You don't know why your roommate is working a million jobs and not spending at all? she may not have next semesters tuition. You're wondering why your friend isnt eating anything at all even when he's hungry? he may have a court hearing tomorrow.
What i am saying in essence is this. A lot happens in peoples lives everyday. Sooo much that you can never know by just looking at them. I'm not here to preach to anyone about being thankful for what you have cause others have it worse. Im saying, understand that everyday you walk out of your apartment, you're surrounded by people with problems... you're surrounded by people that cannot face the world... you're surrounded by people that walk with thier heads down... youre surrounded... surrounded by sad people... and don't walk away from it. I'm not saying go up to some random person and be like, "Oh hi, you're sad. tel me about your life. #kbye." You'll prolly get slapped.
Just last night, i walked into this girl. not planned at all. Nice girl, but we are not friends... AT ALL.. we've just never been able to get along. She was sad.. and just asking her what was wrong made her cry... It made me fee terrible.. As i smiled and was grateful for doing so much work that night, someone was crying for something that i didnt even know. it pierced my heart.... Today, i said hi to one of my friends who's usually the one to scream y name across the cafeteria and come say hi to me. He didnt sound that great today, and he looked really troubled. I asked him what was wrong, and he couldnt even talk. all he did was cup his face in his hands. This too pierced my heart. It hurt me that people were sad... people around me, and yet i was inadequate. However, there was something i could do. I could encourage them, send texts, nd most of all pray for them. So, thats what i did.
In essence, there are many people that you will come in contact with that are sad about situations that neither they or you will have control over, but theres a lot you can do to make them smile.. Send them a text message, write them a note, a bible verse, a prayer poem... dedicate a song to them, or better still write them one.. But whatever you do, never forget to pray for them. God is always willing to answer us when we pray, we just need to ask. And you never know, that little prayer you say may be the last one God needs to hear.
We have no choice but to be surrounded by sad people, but we have a choice about what we do concerning it... to another person, you're one of those sad people... If we all could take time to pray for someone when we notice things aren't good with them, then imagine how many people would be praying for you! or sending you text messages, writing you notes, dedicating you songs, or even a mix of all of those...
We are all different, but theres that one thing that all the people who belong to the body of Christ have in common - Jesus. So lets use him to reach out to people - whether we love them or not.
So, im praying for my two friends, sending them text messages... and trying to make them smile...
That all about being surrounded by sad people... as i do it..
Back to sudying...
~***shanpepe***~
Its Wednesday, 3rd November 2010.
Since Monday, I've been walking around school and my building, and everywhere i go, I see someone... Yh, you see people everyday too don't you? The only difference is, they are sad people. A lot of the people i've been bumping into lately are sad people.. This may sound wierd but thing about it. You see people smiling everyday, saying hi to each other, laughing at the cafeteria, and chilling on the lawns. You have no idea who these people are... you have no idea what thier backgrounds are... you have no idea what they are silently going through..
If you dont believe me, look at your life.. Isn't there soooo much youre hiding from the world? Isnt there so much you'd rather forget, and soo much you would give a left foot not to re-live? Isn't there soo much you wish you could erase from your life and make it perfect? Isn't there soo much you're dealing with.... right now?? even as you read this?? If you answer no to any of these questions, then i'm not sure you're living life, or living it the right way...
The person who last said hi to you after lunch may have just lost someone they love... The person you sat next to in class today may have just been through a breakup... You don't know why your roommate is working a million jobs and not spending at all? she may not have next semesters tuition. You're wondering why your friend isnt eating anything at all even when he's hungry? he may have a court hearing tomorrow.
What i am saying in essence is this. A lot happens in peoples lives everyday. Sooo much that you can never know by just looking at them. I'm not here to preach to anyone about being thankful for what you have cause others have it worse. Im saying, understand that everyday you walk out of your apartment, you're surrounded by people with problems... you're surrounded by people that cannot face the world... you're surrounded by people that walk with thier heads down... youre surrounded... surrounded by sad people... and don't walk away from it. I'm not saying go up to some random person and be like, "Oh hi, you're sad. tel me about your life. #kbye." You'll prolly get slapped.
Just last night, i walked into this girl. not planned at all. Nice girl, but we are not friends... AT ALL.. we've just never been able to get along. She was sad.. and just asking her what was wrong made her cry... It made me fee terrible.. As i smiled and was grateful for doing so much work that night, someone was crying for something that i didnt even know. it pierced my heart.... Today, i said hi to one of my friends who's usually the one to scream y name across the cafeteria and come say hi to me. He didnt sound that great today, and he looked really troubled. I asked him what was wrong, and he couldnt even talk. all he did was cup his face in his hands. This too pierced my heart. It hurt me that people were sad... people around me, and yet i was inadequate. However, there was something i could do. I could encourage them, send texts, nd most of all pray for them. So, thats what i did.
In essence, there are many people that you will come in contact with that are sad about situations that neither they or you will have control over, but theres a lot you can do to make them smile.. Send them a text message, write them a note, a bible verse, a prayer poem... dedicate a song to them, or better still write them one.. But whatever you do, never forget to pray for them. God is always willing to answer us when we pray, we just need to ask. And you never know, that little prayer you say may be the last one God needs to hear.
We have no choice but to be surrounded by sad people, but we have a choice about what we do concerning it... to another person, you're one of those sad people... If we all could take time to pray for someone when we notice things aren't good with them, then imagine how many people would be praying for you! or sending you text messages, writing you notes, dedicating you songs, or even a mix of all of those...
We are all different, but theres that one thing that all the people who belong to the body of Christ have in common - Jesus. So lets use him to reach out to people - whether we love them or not.
So, im praying for my two friends, sending them text messages... and trying to make them smile...
That all about being surrounded by sad people... as i do it..
Back to sudying...
~***shanpepe***~
Sunday, October 24, 2010
A LETTER TO MY GRAND DAD... REST IN PEACE
Dear Grand Pa,
As i sit and write this letter, tears stream down my eyes... and i don't even know where to start. I remember all those times when we sat and played at your feet...when you'd hug me so lovingly and call me your child... when you'd make those funny statements or call words in a funny way. i miss all those times we shared. I'm going to miss going home to see you. I'm going to miss you asking your wives to make us all the delicacies when we came to visit. I'm going to miss going to see you empty handed and coming back with something. I'm going to miss all the little things you did for us when we accomplished significant goals in our lives...
Above all grandpa, I'm going to miss the very last time i saw you... since i got the one call that i'd been dreading for so long, the call that said that you had left me for a better place, i'd been replaying the last time i saw you. I walked into your room, and sick as you were, you sat up, with all the joy on your face... you brightened up like a lost star who had just found its shine Your eyes shined with that overwhelming joy and happiness that grandchildren bring.. You hugged me, and held my hand, and looked like you were in a cloud of glory... It wasnt just you that was happy grand pa. it was me too. I stared in your eyes and i saw hope. That kind of hope that was willing to fight its sickness... the kind of hope that was grateful for each day that it lived. The kind of hope that said how thankful it was even without words... It brightened my day... it made smile... it gave me peace... the kind of hope that said God's not done with me yet.
When i shut the door behind me that day, i had no idea that would be the last time I'd see that promising hope, or watch a lost star find its shine... I would love to ask questions.. many questions grand pa... like why you had to be sick.. like why i had to be soooo far away... like why you had to leave me... like why... why you had to die... But i won't. Because you tasted it all... If it was the suffering and pain of this cruel world, you surely got a bite. if it was the joy and overwhelming happiness and peace, you surely got to taste that too. If it was the blessing of children and grandchildren, you got that in abundance! and yes grand pa, If it was the bitterness and excruciating pain of sickness and disease, you tasted that too.
I know we weren't like paper and glue, but you taught me soo much. Your strength and positive faith held it together till the giver of all life decided it was time to relieve you of your earthly duties... Yes, i cried..and i still do. because if i knew that was the last day i'll see you, id've spent all the time that the world had to give with you. id've reminded you of how much this heart really loves you... how much this heart prayed for your recovery and how much this heart wished that you would be on your feet again. Sometimes God answers no... not because he doesnt love us, but because he loves us way too much to let us go through more pain.
When i asked my brother how you looked as a corpse, he said this in reply.. "He looked peaceful"... You just made my day grandpa. If ever you were going to leave, i wanted you to leave in peace... I know it was a very very rough journey getting to that point of never ending peace, but when i think of where you could be now, I smile and tell myself it was all worth it.I look at the timeline, and God knows that there is only one thing i would change. If given the chance, I would show you more how much i'd loved you. I would hold your hand and say a prayer... I would sit at your feet and ask you tell me stories again.. or one more story... one last time. But i can't, and its okay... cause when we meet again, we'll start alllllll over. and this time grand pa, I promise to get it right.
I loved you, and I still love you... and even though you're probably sitting right beside me reading this with your hand upon my shoulder, and a smile on your face, i want to let you know that i miss you... i miss you very much... and remember that hope? the one that made me smile... and that shine? the one that your lost star found... Keep those grandpa... Hold them tight. cause I'm going to need them someday.
Finally, i hate to end this letter, and if i didn't have school work or studying to do, i'd go on for forever. before i drop this pen, there's one more thing im going to have to ask of you...
REST IN PEACE.... TILL I GET TO SEE YOU... AGAIN...
"Peace that passes all understanding... You've become comforter to me"...
With a heavy heart, but gratitude to God,
Your grand daughter,
Serumun.
Thats the letter to my late grand dad... as i do it...
~***shanpepe***~
As i sit and write this letter, tears stream down my eyes... and i don't even know where to start. I remember all those times when we sat and played at your feet...when you'd hug me so lovingly and call me your child... when you'd make those funny statements or call words in a funny way. i miss all those times we shared. I'm going to miss going home to see you. I'm going to miss you asking your wives to make us all the delicacies when we came to visit. I'm going to miss going to see you empty handed and coming back with something. I'm going to miss all the little things you did for us when we accomplished significant goals in our lives...
Above all grandpa, I'm going to miss the very last time i saw you... since i got the one call that i'd been dreading for so long, the call that said that you had left me for a better place, i'd been replaying the last time i saw you. I walked into your room, and sick as you were, you sat up, with all the joy on your face... you brightened up like a lost star who had just found its shine Your eyes shined with that overwhelming joy and happiness that grandchildren bring.. You hugged me, and held my hand, and looked like you were in a cloud of glory... It wasnt just you that was happy grand pa. it was me too. I stared in your eyes and i saw hope. That kind of hope that was willing to fight its sickness... the kind of hope that was grateful for each day that it lived. The kind of hope that said how thankful it was even without words... It brightened my day... it made smile... it gave me peace... the kind of hope that said God's not done with me yet.
When i shut the door behind me that day, i had no idea that would be the last time I'd see that promising hope, or watch a lost star find its shine... I would love to ask questions.. many questions grand pa... like why you had to be sick.. like why i had to be soooo far away... like why you had to leave me... like why... why you had to die... But i won't. Because you tasted it all... If it was the suffering and pain of this cruel world, you surely got a bite. if it was the joy and overwhelming happiness and peace, you surely got to taste that too. If it was the blessing of children and grandchildren, you got that in abundance! and yes grand pa, If it was the bitterness and excruciating pain of sickness and disease, you tasted that too.
I know we weren't like paper and glue, but you taught me soo much. Your strength and positive faith held it together till the giver of all life decided it was time to relieve you of your earthly duties... Yes, i cried..and i still do. because if i knew that was the last day i'll see you, id've spent all the time that the world had to give with you. id've reminded you of how much this heart really loves you... how much this heart prayed for your recovery and how much this heart wished that you would be on your feet again. Sometimes God answers no... not because he doesnt love us, but because he loves us way too much to let us go through more pain.
When i asked my brother how you looked as a corpse, he said this in reply.. "He looked peaceful"... You just made my day grandpa. If ever you were going to leave, i wanted you to leave in peace... I know it was a very very rough journey getting to that point of never ending peace, but when i think of where you could be now, I smile and tell myself it was all worth it.I look at the timeline, and God knows that there is only one thing i would change. If given the chance, I would show you more how much i'd loved you. I would hold your hand and say a prayer... I would sit at your feet and ask you tell me stories again.. or one more story... one last time. But i can't, and its okay... cause when we meet again, we'll start alllllll over. and this time grand pa, I promise to get it right.
I loved you, and I still love you... and even though you're probably sitting right beside me reading this with your hand upon my shoulder, and a smile on your face, i want to let you know that i miss you... i miss you very much... and remember that hope? the one that made me smile... and that shine? the one that your lost star found... Keep those grandpa... Hold them tight. cause I'm going to need them someday.
Finally, i hate to end this letter, and if i didn't have school work or studying to do, i'd go on for forever. before i drop this pen, there's one more thing im going to have to ask of you...
REST IN PEACE.... TILL I GET TO SEE YOU... AGAIN...
"Peace that passes all understanding... You've become comforter to me"...
With a heavy heart, but gratitude to God,
Your grand daughter,
Serumun.
Thats the letter to my late grand dad... as i do it...
~***shanpepe***~
Saturday, October 23, 2010
FROM ABOVE...OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS MADE..
I was writing this poem doing a #2 in the bathroom, and my roommate walked in on me.. i know.. it was kinda wierd... and a toast to the dummies that don't know that a #1 = peeing. A #2 = pooping.
Anywaiz, i wrote this poem for a friend of mine that i really appreciate... Just to clear things up, its a male friend. so when you read this, have no awkward thoughts in your head. Also, things really did happen just as they are written. Theres no salt or sugar in this poem... annnnnnnnnnnnddddddd... another toast to all those lames, who don't know that adding salt or sugar to a spoken or written piece means to add more details to make it sound more believable, or more dramatic. well, well, well, without much ado, here it is... FROM ABOVE...OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS MADE..
The first day i saw your picture, i'll call it a coincidence,
but more than a coincidence, you stuck in my mind.
The first day i saw you it was some sort of mistake,
a little more than a mistake, i fell in love with your smile.
I thought i'd never see you again, i was right, till today haven't,
Until now you didn't know this, i make mystery my servant,
I didn't think you'd talk to me again, I was wrong, and it made me happy,
i didn't want you think i was crazy, or maybe some sort of crappy.
Before long we switched names, numbers and skype id's,
i would never have guessed in all the world we'd be great buddies,
cause a lot of times we wish for things that we can never get,
and wishing for your friendship, was like wanting more money in debt.
A lot of times I'm grateful, grateful for just the past,
even though the times we always cherish never seem to last,
If i was grateful for just today, i'd be missing a great story,
our journey from then to now, i'm still basking in it's glory.
If i was given just one chance to rewind this beautiful tape,
i wouldn't change one thing, it has been a sweet escape,
cause if fate let destiny, then i love the way it has played,
i'm in no place to even argue, from above, our friendship was made...
Isn't it pretty?? i know you're wishing it were about you... haha.. make friends with a talent like me, and trust me, you'll get a poem written about you. its not that hard... or better still, make friends with me, and make a significant difference in my life.. thats a poem... guaranteed...
and oh.... one more thing.. i also know that you wish you wrote this.. tooo bad! i wrote it.. so, don't steal my words, or my lines... because i said so. #kthanx.... and yessss......#######imontwitterrrrr...
and oh.... one more thing.. i also know that you wish you wrote this.. tooo bad! i wrote it.. so, don't steal my words, or my lines... because i said so. #kthanx.... and yessss......#######imontwitterrrrr...
Its Saturday night, and i got a date with Jesus tomorrow morning, so i gotta go sleep.. nyteeee...
Thats about this friendship poem... as i do it..
~***shanepepe***~
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