...it was then that I realized for the first time - In a crowd of people, I could actually feel alone.
I tried to deny it, but I couldn't. He was telling the story of my life. I didn't know him; had never met him before. It seemed very unreal that the one day I was unexpectant was the day that I would be caught unawares. How did he know me? But he didn't. How did he know what to say? How could he be talking about this anonymous person or people, and possibly be spitting out my experiences like he had walked through my journey holding my hand? I didn't start thinking now. I started thinking in the moment.
It was a great song... the melody, the tune, the harmony. I expected it to be. After all, no one wants to worship where the music has no great significance. I stood there, and sang as I watched the lips of everyone around me move in tune with the song as well. This was the reason I was here anyway. I had no interest in listening to someone speak for an hour. I mean, I did it all the time, but it wasn't exactly my point of strength. Even my attention has a short span. My ears were blessed, and as it always happens, my heart becomes blessed. It was that ordinary amazing feeling.. you know.. the one I felt every week.
Soon it was over, and it was time to listen to someone speak for an hour - maybe more, maybe less. I didn't dread it. Or maybe I should even say that I didn't really care at all. I was prepared to listen. Like always, it was one of those speeches that was a revised version of what you had heard before. It made sense though. It applied to me, to the ladies beside me, to the gentleman in front of me.. to everybody.. everybody in the room. Majority of these speeches always made sense. I mean, if you had to be licensed to speak, then you HAD to make sense... right?
It was time again for another song, but before it, the leader got up to speak. He started by saying that "there must be something more". This life was not all about what we wanted or how we did things or lived. There had to be something more. We go through different experiences at different points in our lives, and sometimes these experiences don't exactly make sense to us. This man talked about the sense we give to these experiences and the meanings and purposes we draw out of them. He said that there was something more, and that extra thing was different for everyone. It wasn't all the same. It came in the form of different experiences, but we had to find it amidst all the happenings of the situation. We had to be able to identify it. We had to be able to just know it. But then he said something - the one thing that stopped my mind from running in races for just. a. second. He said that some people were still searching for that 'something more'.
In a room full of people, I suddenly felt like I was standing... and yes I was, only thing is, I was standing..all alone. This man's voice began to gradually echo and fade in the distance as that was the last thing I heard him say - Some people were still searching for 'something more'. Who was this man? And why was he talking to me? Where was everyone else? Weren't they listening? It was very evident, that i was searching.. for that extra thing.. I had just made the realization myself - THERE MUST BE SOMETHING MORE. My mind was suddenly on this boat that was capsizing with thoughts and I just could not get a grip of what was going on. In that moment when my mind would not stop sprinting across the globe, I needed a way to get away from this weird feeling, and I shut my eyes.
It worked.. everything calmed down slowly.. very slowly. But one thing was a lot more different.. one thing stood out. I was not alone. There was something.. someone... I tried to tell myself that I was feigning but it's not like all the people were back there. I still felt all alone. Or more like all alone, + 1. Someone was there. It was a presence. One I could not get rid of. The thing is, I didn't even want to try. It was warm and welcoming. I didn't feel judged, or intimidated by it. I felt peace, overwhelming joy, happiness...bliss.
Jesus had just taken a hold of my hand.
I opened my eyes again, but this time it was different. I saw this man standing there.. his lips moved, but Jesus said the words. He had been speaking to me from the beginning. Jesus knew everything about me. He knew that I had failed and that I was not worthy of his love. He knew that I wondered why he loved me so much. He knew that I was sorry for all the things that I did wrong, but that it was a challenge leaving some things behind. He saw me... not in the body, but in the soul. He saw me for my true beauty. He saw me for things I did right instead of wrong. He saw me for the things I said right instead of wrong. He saw me.. not for what people made of me, but for who HE made me.
My eyes burned with tears. I wanted more than anything to let go of his hand and run very far away. He wouldn't let me go. His grip was soft as ever, as soothing as the ocean breeze, but I couldn't set myself free from it. I tried to give him reason. Reason why I should run off and be alone. The reason? There was something more... and I HAD find it. He didn't seem convinced, and it was only evident when he looked at me as his lips spread the most beautiful smile my existence had ever known. As i wondered why he would look at me with such love, He said only four words: I'LL WALK WITH YOU.
I made the realization that in my life, there must be something more. Jesus took my hand and said He'll walk with me. If I was ever sure of where I was going, it was that moment.
There must be something more... Jesus leads. I follow.
That's 'something more'...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
