A SHADE OF A MONOCHROME...

Five years.

Until five years ago, I was just simply, a woman. 

A woman with a dream to be well educated and successful in life; a woman with a willingness to make a difference and mark the sands of time; a woman with a culture, a heart, and a nation to call home.

Five years ago, I became more than just a woman. I became a woman of color. For five years, I've been labeled and defined as a woman of color. My identity was no longer defined by my last name, where I came from, or my occupation. My dreams to be well educated and successful were dwarfed in the minds of some people who didn't believe I deserved it. What I wanted to become was suddenly limited to what I could become. When I stepped out into the world, what I had was suddenly not mine anymore. My culture belonged to the almighty past defined by anguish and suffering. My rights became secondary. My success was not guaranteed. My well being was not a priority. My life? Well its worth was debatable. My femininity was now being defined by my skin tone, and I was only beginning to understand. 

You see, I attended an american elementary school. I was exposed, from a very young age, to so many different cultures and ways of life. In my grade alone, India, Russia, Germany, England, Poland, Ethiopia, America, Lebanon and of course Nigeria, among others, were all represented, and although we made fun of each other from time to time, we were just simply classmates - learning and growing together; finding similarities in our dissimilarities. So from a young age, I knew my culture was different from many others around the world, and I found value in appreciating the culture of others.

This difference - the difference of culture - was the only difference I was ever exposed to. I knew that in some other parts of the world I wouldn't be able to serve red wine at my parties as is my custom because the majority of my attendees would be below a certain age. I knew that in some other parts of the world people worked summer jobs to buy their textbooks. I knew that in some other parts of the world, independence came at 18. I knew that in some other parts of the world, pounded yam or rice was not their sunday afternoon meal. I knew that in some other parts of the world I would be known as African or Nigerian. This, my friends, was all the difference I ever knew. 

Fast forward to five years ago, and imagine the struggle that was introduced into my life in the shape and form of identity. The only difference I knew was that of culture but all of that changed in a simple 13 hour flight that left Lagos Nigeria and landed Atlanta America. Everything I knew about who I was suddenly changed. I was an Ubwa - a lot came with my last name cause of who my parents are. I was a christian. I was Nigerian. I was 18 years old. I was. But I crossed an ocean, and all of that didn't even matter anymore. I was suddenly forced to think in a completely different light about myself because everything I thought was became wrapped up in the one thing that I never realized I was - Black.

For the first time five years ago, I was starting to realize that for years to come, I would struggle with an identity that I didn't even know was mine. And I did. But believe me when I say that this realization didn't come easy. I've had to step off the sidewalk into the grass because someone thought I wasn't worth the space. Ive had to do all the difficult work at some jobs because well, "thats just my job". Ive had to fight for fair treatment because someone just thought I didn't deserve it. I've got told by some professors that my best work is a "C" grade. I have been told to not apply for some jobs because people of color dont get hired. My success was recognized alongside my colour - like, she did this so well! ... And she's black! 

However, you know, its amazing what five years can do! I am a woman of colour. Yes. But what I've been through? No. I refuse. I refuse to accept that that theres another difference that is a part of my life besides my Nigerian or African culture. I refuse to accept that I'm less than. I refuse to accept that I'm not deserving or worth it. I refuse to be secondary. I refuse to be inferior. I refuse to constantly be second. I refuse to live my life accepting the pain and anguish of the past as my own. There's no simpler way to say it. I refuse.

I was born an original. I was born to succeed. I was born to be deserving of all the beautiful things. I was born a woman of color. I am a woman of color. But I refuse to be one. I call myself quite simply, a woman. Because thats what I am. My identity lies in the one who made me. I am the image of my maker. He loves ME. He'll never leave ME. His grace is sufficient for ME. He puts me first. He always does. So thats where I choose to be. Where my maker put ME. 

So, Let my femininity be defined by my body parts. Let my skin tone be a shade of a monochrome. Let me be just simply, a woman. With a dream that will be achieved. A woman that will change the sands of time. A woman with her heart. Her culture. Her home.

That's a shade of a monochrome... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

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UNCOVERING THE DIRT

I love change! Moving into new apartments, starting a new job, going to a new school, experiencing different cultures; or even just more subtle change - like moving around things in my closet because I get bored of the way it looks. After all they say "The only thing that is constant in life, is change."

A couple of weeks ago, I was bored with the way my office looked. It had been the same for over 6 months and I needed a change. I wanted to make it different and more comfortable - something I would love. So when my boss walked in that day, I told her what I wanted to do, and she was willing to help me (yes, I have an amazing boss. This, I already know.) So she did. We moved things around, and I loved the end result. It was pretty close to what I wanted. 

However, when I was done and sat down to work, I realised that there was so much dirt everywhere. So much dirt hidden under things that I hadn't moved for over 6 months; So much dust and particles that was trapped in things that remained untouched for a long time; so much that I didn't want to deal with at the time. So I just kept working. BUT it bothered me - so much that I had to get up and clean up all that dirt I had uncovered by moving things around to where I wanted them to be. 

I grabbed some wet wipes and napkins and got to cleaning. As I cleaned all the dust, particles and dirt, I thought about how we as human beings go through this process of cleaning. Many times in our lives we ask God for something great, something beautiful. We ask for a certain level of comfort. We ask for something we would love. We want progress and success and accomplishments. That process of getting to where we want to be involves uncovering some dirt. When God shakes us up and moves things around in our lives, some things come up that we may not like, and as human beings we usually don't want to deal with those things. So we want the beautiful and the perfect blessings that have our names written on them, but when they uncover some dirt, we just want to reach over the dirt and grab the blessing. 

When a potter is molding a pot, the process requires a lot of dirt. If the pot remains in the dirt after molding, the purpose for which it was molded cannot be achieved. God is the potter, you are the pot, and molding you is that blessing, that progress, that achievement or accomplishment. Sometimes you're broken and getting to where you want to be means fixing. Sometimes you're just cracked, and getting to where you need to be means patching. Other times, it's nothing - God may just decide to polish you and give you a brighter shine. Which ever it is, there will be some dirt. Blessings, they come. In big and in small. But sometimes, they move things around in your life, and to fully enjoy that blessing, you have to deal with the things that are uncovered in the process. You cant grab your blessing, and sit in a pool of dirt.

After I cleaned my office up, boy was I pleased. It was preetttyy delish, and only then, could I fully enjoy the new arrangement. So hey, we all got dirt and that's okay because we all human. However, that dirt will be uncovered to get to where we want to be eventually, and the only way to move past it, is to clean it up!

So grab some napkins, wet wipes, lysol! Heck, grab some doggone bleach! Stay ready for when God decides to move things around in your life. Some dirt may be uncovered, but now, you know what to do! 

That's uncovering the dirt... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

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NOT BAD; JUST DIFFERENT...

   Growing up, my parents always told me that their duty was to give me the two most important things in life - Jesus and Education - and with that, I could conquer the world and achieve anything I set my mind to. Now, its common practice to want to mix the two when you have a strong belief in the former. When Jesus is your foundation, you want to get a christian education, work in an environment that reflects the attributes of Christ, etc etc. So it was in my family. My siblings and I all went to Christian schools for primary, secondary and undergraduate learning.
      Going to a non-religious affiliated school may be one of the greatest things that has happened to my growing experience. Coming to a really large public school, I had a very specific mindset: People were going to be mean and rude. My professors were not going to care about me, or give me individual time. I was going to be on my own. There were going to be no rules to protect me, or work for my benefit. There were going to be bad things happening all the time that could not be controlled. Forget about their status in the country - I'm not going to be taught the way I should be taught, because frankly, who cares? Nobody has time for that. Working on campus isn't going to be the best experience ever because well, which boss is going to give a ... about me? Just do the work and be gone. That's the mindset I was coming into a really large, non-religious affiliated public school with. But, where on God's green earth did I get this twisted, negative, mindset from? A christian institution. All I ever heard from a lot of people was how non-christian schools sucked in every aspect, but christian schools? They were great and awesome.... and better.
      Now I'm listening to these things and taking them in; after all, I had no experience of the other side. People had to know what they were talking about. So imagine my thought process when I got accepted the University of Florida. I knew what it was going to be like, and I was prepared for it. Or... so I thought, until my experience started.
      The very first person I had dealings with was the nicest woman ever. Her first sentence to me was a joke she cracked, and as I walked out the door that day she said "hey, let me know if you need anything, and please stop by anytime." (**Paraphrased, cause I don't remember her exact words**) I walked to get lunch and a girl saw me and started a conversation with me because my skirt was oh so cute! Now what was that about people being mean and rude? My professor emailed me after the first week of class wondering if everything was okay because I wasn't really participating and she was concerned because participation was 30% of my grade. I got an email from a campus job hiring a graduate assistant, and when I told her I already held a GA position, she told me that was too bad because I came in "highly recommended" by one of my professors. Another professor asked for my resume because she thought I was a good student and was willing to help me find a great internship after graduation. None of these professors did I have any sort of prior relationship with. Now what was that about professors not caring about you or giving you personal attention? I have one of the best bosses I have EVER had. What was that about bosses just wanting you for the work? I could keep going.. on and on and on.
       Why is it hard for us to see people simply as human beings that can be inherently good regardless of religious affiliation? We are not religious creatures. We are God's creatures. All of us. Jumping to conclusions about people because they may not share the same beliefs as you is not giving anyone a chance to express who they are. Christianity is not a religion. It's a culture - you carry it with you wherever you go - to a christian institution, or to a non-religious affiliated one. Just because people don't walk around with the word "christian" pasted on their foreheads (or school brochures and magazines as the case may be) doesn't mean that they are bad people without any sense of good moral judgement.
     We live in a twisted world, but the word "christian" doesn't make you a follower of Christ. The ability to shine Jesus through in a place where people don't expect that light is what makes you a part of that culture. Don't walk your journey condemning other people that are not on your path. No two people's journeys are the same, but that doesn't make any bad. It just makes them different. Slamming the character of people whom you barely know anything about doesn't portray the characteristics of the people we claim to be. Live every day trying to see the best in people, and giving them a chance to show you who they are. You never know who you're going to come in contact with, and where you'll meet them. Our business should be to preach our gospel through our lives, and not to preach against others with our words.
      Be very careful what you tell people about others. It may speak volumes about yourself.

That is not bad; just different... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

SMALL, MEDIUM OR LARGE?

I never go for the activities that my building organizes cause I never have company and the times never really go with my schedule. However, for the love of bacon (seriously, for the love of bacon) I decided that with or without company, I would go for the "Breakfast for dinner" program; only, there was no way in hell I was going to wear my pajamas even though there was a raffle draw. Whatever the prize was, I didn't need or want it that bad - I mean, it wasn't free rent or tuition.
     The invitation had said that the program was in the lobby of the leasing office, so I set out for the lobby of the leasing office walking behind some girls who were going for the same program. When we entered the building, the gym door was open and there were three baskets that read "small", "medium" and "large," and a sign that said "PLEASE, TAKE ONE! ITS FREE!" Still behind the girls, I turned towards the gym. One of the girls picked one package from inside of a basket and asked the other one "What is it?" I looked over and it was round - probably the width of a small pancake and inch thick with the name of the apartment complex on the front side. The other girl replied "I don't know, but whatever it is, a small's good enough." As they both picked smalls and left, I stepped forward and looked in the baskets. All the contents looked the same size, so I'm wondering why they were marked. I immediately told myself, I didn't want to look greedy and take a large, so I'll take a medium instead because I definitely wasn't taking a small. Whatever it was, I didn't want the small if I could have a medium or large.
      As we made our way to where dinner (or breakfast at 6 pm) was being served, I realized the girls were curiously opening the package. After a couple seconds, one of the girls goes "It's a t-shirt! haha!" And the other goes "Thank God I got a small." Right behind them I'm holding my package going "Ooops, I wear a small too, and I picked a medium." Of course I said this in my head. So where did I go next? Right back to the gym to change my package from a medium to a small.
      On my way out I was thinking about how I walked in there the first time. I had a choice between three things, and even after I saw someone in front of me being content even with a choice, I decided that I had a choice and I was going to use it. I ended up picking something that I probably would have worn as pajamas instead of a t-shirt, and had to go back and change it. Now what if I didn't have that option?
      We will always have choices to make in life. Sometimes we will be faced with "small", "medium" and "large" decisions, and unfortunately, life isn't always as simple as a t-shirt; the consequence of a wrong choice might not be as easy as "one size bigger"; and dealing with that consequence may not be as easy as turning back to make an exchange. In fact, majority of the time, "returning" our choices, or remaking our decisions may not be an option, but we forget that, and reach farther than we need to. For every choice we make, there is a result or consequence, which is determined by the nature of our choices. The thought about the consequence should come before the choice, not after. Neglecting that consideration doesn't change the outcome of the consequence, neither does it take it away. Its like knowing fire burns, seeing a candle and sticking your finger in it, neglecting that knowledge. The consequence - a burnt finger - doesn't change simply because you chose to ignore the knowledge that fire burns.
      I chose to maximize my opportunity to make a choice and decided to go for a medium which would have ended up being a shirt I wore to sleep instead of a small which I could actually wear as a t-shirt. I wasn't thinking of what the package contained. I was just being humanly selfish wanting more.  When you're faced with a decision, you don't want to make a choice that forces you to manage. You want to make a choice that allows you to enjoy the outcome.
       Next time you have the opportunity to make a choice, think about what is important, and then think about the consequences and results. What you need may come in a small package, and that large one just may come with no returns. Bottom line is, think beneath the surface, read between lines.

Thats small, medium, or large? ...as i do it!

~***shanpepe~***
 

TRAPPED...UPSIDE DOWN

       One of the first things a child learns in school is animal sounds - A cat is meow, a dog is woof woof, a pig is oink, a cow is moo, a sheep is mehhh. As we grow older, we learn more about animals - whether they are mammals or reptiles, what they can and cant eat, which ones can be meat, which ones can be protection, which ones can be pets. However, somethings - interesting things - about animals aren't taught. An alligator still moves for a while after it dies because of the nerves in its system. A chameleon changes to whatever color it is on. A cat never lands on his back. Dolphins sleep with only one half of their brain at a time, and only one eye closed. A snail can sleep for three years at a stretch.The hummingbird can fly backwards. And sheep -  they are  generally considered dumb animals; and not only that, but when they fall on their backs, they can't get up; someone needs to help them.

         Now we as human beings can be compared to animals in many different ways. But one of the most important metaphors used in the human-animal comparison is the one in the bible. We are referred to as SHEEP - the animal that is generally considered dumb and lands on his back and can't get up without help; not one of the animals with the cool ability to sleep at length without being in a coma or fly backwards. We are SHEEP; yes, sheep. And sometimes, we get trapped... upside down.

        So many times in our lives we become victims of circumstance. People get sick. Some are poor. Some lack strength. Some are stuck. Some lack purpose. Some are looking for companionship. Some want love. Some live in fear. I could go on and on but you get my point. We are sheep and have those moments in life when we are trapped upside down; on our backs and can't get up; helpless and searching for a way to survive; struggling to get back on our feet and keep moving. But we can't. We just lack the ability to do it on our own, so we need a helper. Who guards sheep? A shepherd. And the same bible that refers to us as sheep, refers to whom as the shepherd? (It's a real question. You answer it.)

A mistake? No. A coincidence? I doubt it. Random? Not a chance. The shepherd leads and his sheep follow. He takes care of them, loves them and protects them. At those moments when we are trapped upside down, we need our shepherd. When we are sick, he says "I am your healer". When you are poor, he says "I will provide". When you lack strength, he says "In your weakness my strength is made perfect". When you are stuck he says "My grace is sufficient". When you lack purpose he says "I am the way". When you are looking for companionship he says "I will never leave you or forsake you". When you want love he says "I am Love." When you live in fear he says "I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind". And when you fall on your back and are unable to get up, he says "Call on me".

        Next time you're trapped upside down, stop struggling, or looking to other sheep to help you up. They are just as dumb. Ask The Shepherd to help you get back on your feet and keep moving. You can't do it on your own. We all need Jesus. Me, you, everyone.

That is trapped upside down... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

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IN GOLD, OR IN WOOD.

It was a normal day.. or at least started like one. Only difference was, all these people were late to work.

It was one's turn to bring in donuts. One lady's alarm didn't go off. Someone was stuck in traffic. One person missed their bus. A young lady spilled some breakfast on her outfit and had to change her clothing. Someone's car would not start. Another's child didn't get up in time to get ready for school. One just could not get a taxi at all. One guy wore a new pair of shoes that gave him blisters, and stopped at the drug store to get band aids. Someone just simply turned around to answer a phone call.

It was a normal day.. or at least started like one. Only difference was, all these people were late to work... at the World Trade Centre. It was September 11th, 2001.

Where is Your miracle?

That's a good place to start. Besides, aren't the people around you making it? Don't they have what you want? Aren't things just working out for them? And you're stuck in the same old place; with everything you'd rather not have, and a life you'd give up in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately, nothing seems to go your way, and every time you get on your knees, you ask one question: "Where is my miracle?"

Yes, turning water into wine sounds appealing and a blind man regaining his eyesight at the dab of spittle isn't of natural power. Miracles. But whoever said we'd love every miracle? No one. A miracle doesn't have to be huge and extraordinary. It doesn't have to call for celebrations and fiestas. However, miracles always come forth from a place of positive intention. The miracle may not be what we want, but the result may be what we long for.

When you're going through something tough, and it seems like God is silent, try to focus on what he's already done, what he's doing, and what he's going to do. God is never silent. He's always working in your favour, and remember, he creates only master pieces. A master piece goes through a lot to be made, and sometimes the process may not all be beautiful. That process, may be your miracle.

On that bright morning of September 11th 2001, someones miracle was buying donuts. Someone's was a car that would not start. Another's was an alarm that never went off. One's was missing a bus. Another's was a new pair of shoes. One's was some spilled breakfast, another's was a late child. One person just couldn't get a taxi, and for someone, it was a single phone call she turned back to receive. These people, who all worked at the World Trade Centre were late for work. Why? Because that morning, God gave them a miracle.

Stop looking for something extraordinary. Stop looking for something the world will notice. Stop looking for a huge experience. The next time you seem to get caught by every traffic light, or rip your pants on your way out the door, look up and say "Thank you, Jesus.I know I'm just where you want me to be." It may be harder than just some traffic lights, or ripped pants. It could be a job you didn't get, a messy love life, or a shaky financial situation. It could be a few seconds, or many years; all these little or big annoying things. But with everything that happens, huge and extraordinary, or tiny and customary, it could just be God giving you a miracle! Just trust the author of your life.

Miracles come. In gold, or in wood.
Don't step over the wood looking for a miracle in gold. You may step on yours and find someone else receiving theirs.

Where is your miracle? Now, you answer that.

that's in gold, or in wood... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

....LOVE ME TONIGHT?

As my mood faded from amazing to terrible, I excused myself from the company of people, my computer screen, and the background noise of the television. I'm sitting on my bathroom floor right now - balling my eyes out so hard that it takes a moment to catch my breath. I'm trying to be discreet, cause no one needs to share what I feel, or know this pain. Let them revel in their happiness. Let me suffer it all... alone. God is somewhere... somewhere in this little bathroom, so technically, I'm not alone at this moment. However, it seems an awful lot like it.

"It's just emotions, taking me over..."

So I'll sit here. On this bathroom floor mat. And cry myself to fatigue. I'm a half hour in, and my eyes still hold the atlantic. It's going to be a long night, believe me. But this isn't new. I'm prepared - I'm talking to an electronic device that won't talk back, and I have two rolls of tissue right beside me; 6 more in the bathroom cabinet just in case the night runs longer than two.

Living in the moment becomes impossible with all this fear; the fear of going back to a haunted memory. It could be as simple as intense loneliness, but it's taken my weight; it's taken my mind; and most importantly, it's taken my happiness. What's left is my sanity, and I'm afraid I'm losing that too. So there you go. It's fear. Fear that I currently feel and lament over. Fear that will become my reality in just a couple of days. 9 to be specific, but uhh, who's counting?

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now..."

Thought I'd end there but I'm 45 minutes in. Still here. Still crying. I should pray. God knows how I feel, but he should hear it from me. Yes? He should hear what this is doing to me; how it's chipping away at my sound mind. He should know that I'm slowly losing it. I mean, he does know already, but he needs to hear it. From me.

"...see I don't know how but power when I'm on my knees."

I took a moment to kneel at the feet of the Most High, but I didn't know what to say; I didn't know how to pray. I tried to just say how I felt, but words couldn't describe it. I tried to ask for what I needed, but I still don't know what that is. Exactly an hour in.

It's only the second of January. Didn't take long for 2013 to throw me a blow. I'm still crying. I'm still wondering. I'm still fearing. I'm still... praying. I should get under a duvet, shut my eyes, and attempt to get sleep's favour. Cause I'm 62 minutes in and I in no way feel better than when I started crying. Soooo, this isn't going to get better?

It's annoying how we can't choose what blows come our way. Then again, who really wants a blow? This is the hardest I've ever had to take. I have scars... and it's still wounding.

An hour and seven long minutes. Tears. Pain. Hurt. Fear.
Dear sleep, Love me tonight?

That's my attempt at capturing helplessness...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

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ARE WE STILLLLL ON THAT?!

          So, I know my Banky W fever is officially over, but there's no denying that he's a pretty good-looking man, makes wonderful music, and has a head that I want to rub when I eventually meet him. In the studio. Yeah, I said it. But all that aside, I grew a new dimension of respect for Banky about a year and a half ago. While replying fan tweets on twitter, someone tweeted him and asked, "Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered if you were drunk the entire relationship?" The question didn't earn my respect, but the answer did. "I look at my ex and wonder if SHE was drunk the entire relationship." That was Banky's reply. (Disclaimer - the words are not verbatim as they were written. Its been a year and a half. I can't retrieve the tweets.)

         Anybody could have said that, yeah? Then anybody would have earned my respect. Unfortunately, anybody didn't. It's not rocket science to notice how the vast majority of people talk about their ex's. "If I saw my ex, I'd still hit that...with a bus." "Oh, I hear you're dating my ex. You want my sandwich too? Seems like you enjoy getting my leftovers." "I saw my ex's new girl/man. Such a downgrade." "Wow. He could have done better. She's so uglyyyy." The one quote about giving "used toys to the less fortunate" just makes me want to puke. Seriously, we're stillll on that?! Unfortunately, yes.

         People fall in love, and people break up. You fall in love, and you break up. Every experience is a story that becomes part of the journey that you're walking. I don't understand why anyone would choose to remain in  shallow privative speech. Granted, not every relationship turns out the way we would want it too. Sometimes you end up getting a lot more hurt and pain than you would have ever bargained for in a short lifetime. But let's face it. There's going to be a girl that's prettier than you, one than has more money, one that wears nicer clothes, one that's more attractive, one that you wish you could be... and that may be the one your ex decides to date right after you. There's going to be a guy with a nicer six pack, a better car or job, a nicer personality, a lot more handsome, one who wears the best suits, wristwatches and shoes... and that may be the one your ex decides to date right after you.

         Shit talking ex significant others does NOTHING for you. Take it, or well, leave it. I'm just rendering my opinion in space that i have created for that exact purpose. They may have done you dirty, but making them look bad through your speech for as long as you live doesn't undo what was done, and sooner or later, you begin to seem like a needy lowlife seeking unnecessary and unwarranted attention, just to prove that you got it all together and are better than the other person. It's okay to say things didn't end well, and explain why. What I greatly disagree with is all the negative talk about the persons choices, physical appearance, and just even life in general just because they are no longer with you. Seriously, ain't nobody got time for that. Live YOUR life, and although it could be hard as a hammer, try to move on. Try to stay positive and try to let your speech reflect that.

        I haven't been in perfect relationships. So I'm not saying all this because I haven't been hurt by someone that I had feelings for. I mean, who hasn't been, right? But trust me, there are girls prettier than me with a lot more money, exposure, style, charisma, etc. And I'd be happy if my ex's hit a jackpot with one of those. I'd say I set a standard they had to beat, and be proud of them and wish them the best, hoping I find a jackpot of my own.

        I would never have known how Banky W would reply that tweet. But he had a chance to tell basically the whole world that his ex girlfriend was shit, and he didn't. He put himself right back in her shoes. So I respect this man as an artist. But its so many of the little things that tell you who these people are apart from music. I may not know Banky on a personal level, but with just a few words, he earned a little more of my respect. I'd rub his head a second longer. :-)


Do you really have to put out someone's light to make yours shine brighter? Do you? Think about it.

That is stilllllll on that!... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~