MY STRANGER III

Dear Stranger,

It'll be the last time.

Not because I'm done letting you know how I feel. The reason? I've finally acquired that strength I've looked for for so many years. It's standing right at my doorstep, and I'm about to let it in, but first, I'mma have to let you out; and I plan on doing that with these last words.
       You see, on one hand, not many people go through what I've had to go through with you. On the other hand, I don't know what to say about those that have. There's something that we constantly search for without success. I'm not sure if it's the love that we long to be reciprocated, or the strength that we long to find to successfully move past the likes of you. I'm lying here on this bed, thinking of things that once reminded me of you - the times we laughed and kissed under the sun, the times we fought and walked out on each other. I'm listening to things that once reminded me of you - the love songs that want to be with someone, those that despise someone, those that want someone to love them back. I learned to be a little more careful about my diction when it regarded you, so permit me to explain my use of the word "once". Throwback roughly about 3 months ago. I'd be remembering those times, and listening to all this music...and crying - unhappy and wishing.    Well here's what 3 months can do. I'm lying here, on this bed, with the widest smile on my face - happy, and trusting.

       Granted, this is not the first time I've said stuff like this. It's amazing even to me, how much I've learned about myself in a hundred and something days. Here's three - I hate to flip out on people because that's just not me. [except i'm pushed to the wall]. I'm a better person than I gave myself credit for [God showed me], and most importantly, it's easy to let go of people once you understand exactly how you feel about them. I've finally made up my mind about you. I'm done with all the wishing. I'm done with waiting time out to see. I'm done with handing out second, third, fourth chances like dollar bills. I'm done with praying and telling God to give me something he's constantly saying no to. I'm done loving you. And yes, I'm comfortable saying that now. **smileee**
     However, I have to acknowledge all the good stuff. You taught me so much it's unbelievable. You taught me that it's okay to not be so perfect, because imperfection is beauty. You taught me that I could believe in people, even when no one believed in them. You taught me the importance of maintaining relationships. You taught me the beauty of hurt and pain, and the joy of losing emotions in tears. One thing... the greatest thing you have ever taught me, is to accept strength when it comes, and move on. Unbreakable strength is at my door asking to be let in, but you know this - that we lose something to every strength that we receive. I tried to lose a lot of things in exchange for that strength, but all the stuff came right back to me, cause I wasn't sending out the right thing. I had tried everything... everything... but you. Right now, the only thing that stands between me and that strength is you. I already feel some of it, and judging by what I've felt so far, I think sending you out that door is worth every. single. bit. of that strength.

 
      So, with these words, this is me sending you out that door, and out of my life. I'm taking the strength. It'll last longer than you ever did, and it can promise healing that you never could nurture. I wish you all the good things that life has to offer. and before I say have a good life, here's my last piece of advice.

You just did by losing me. Don't do it again.

I'll make a confession that my heart is overjoyed to reveal.
I don't miss you. Instead, it feels good to finally, ... be free.
annnnnnnnnndddd now I can say it. Have a good life. :-)

Goodbye stranger.
Please remain a stranger to me... Forever.

This will be the last letter...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

Photo credit 1 Photo credit 2 Photo credit 3

...IF YOU WERE ME, YOU WOULD PANIC TOO.

It wasn't long after I decided to take a little nap that I started getting calls. From my uncle - calm but highly unusual. From my aunt - not calm, and highly unusual. I KNEW something was wrong.
     "Your brother called me screaming over the phone that he needed help! His stomach!" everything that came after that, is a total blur. I had to start my own calls. Called several people without answers, and out of choices, I remembered one last person I hadn't called. This, should've been my first call. My brother was in the hospital, suffering from an excruciating stomach ache, had puked about 9 times in 4 hours, and was coughing up a little bit of blood. First medical center put him in an ambulance and started taking him to where he could get better help. Then I get a text "I can't really text right now, but he's still unstable." At this point tears are coming down my eyes, I'm trying to get in touch with my parents, keep my aunt updated, get more information from his friend, and do all these things at the same time. Through my confusion, I put all these things on hold for a minute, got down on my knees, and told God what was on my mind. "See I don't know how, but there's power, when I'm on my knees."
     After praying, I got back to my phone grind. answering and making calls, and trying to get all this information. I got a call saying he was in the ER, and finally getting professional attention. Shortly after, he calls me and says he was stabilized and doing fine. *sigh of relief* So I made all the calls I needed to make, saying he was stabilized but test results were soon to be released. I got off the couch to the kitchen. Made some indomie [noodles], and as I turned off the burner, about to serve my plate of food, I get another call from my brother. "I'm going in for surgery in the next one hour". My stomach dropped, and so did my jaw. I could only ask why, but I couldn't get professional answers. I made another round of calls updating people on the current situation, and immediately started looking for tickets to fly to Michigan. This was at about 10:35 pm, December 2nd. I dished out my food and went to the computer. If I have ever exaggerated, not now. I had THREE forks of my noodles, and decided eating wasn't going to do it for me. I lost all appetite, and I felt like I was in another world. This was not the night that I had planned.
      I bought my ticket, and began to pack my bags, and look for rides to the airport. My flight was scheduled for 7am, so I had to leave my apartment at 5 at the latest, and no cabs were available for that time. [This has never happened to me before]. I finally got a friend to give me a ride to the airport, and stuff. I didn't sleep the whole night. Left for the airport at 5, checked in, boarded and was on my en route to Michigan. I had a really short layover at Cleveland but I made it to Grand Rapids at 9:30. God worked on my behalf and provided a ride that was waiting for me to arrive at the airport. I got picked up and we drove to the hospital.
       This is when shit got real. I had made this whole trip, but somehow, this wasn't real to me. It had all happened wayy too fast and it just wasnt happening at all in my head. I walked through the door, and there was my brother. On the hospital bed. with tubes all down his right arm from the drip, and a tube up his nose. I swallowed reallllly hard. Kept swallowing hard because I was trying to fight all the tears that were coming to my eyes. I had to be strong for him. I held his hand, and he opened his eyes, and said "you're here", and smiled. Pause and understand one thing. I HATE HOSPITALS. H-a-t-e them. But at that moment, there was nowhere else in the world that I would rather have been. Nowhere.
      The nurse came in and we excused her so she could take the tube out his nose. They took him for a short walk a little ways down the corridor and then back when he was tired. My lil' man is strong! Believe it. This wasn't even 12 hours after surgery and he was walking! Ah! What God does! Anyway, he got back in bed, and we got visitors the whole day. People from school, friends of family, everyone. Now, i'm sitting here with him. Just the two of us. He's fast asleep and has been for the past hour and 10 minutes. I'm so grateful because that's the longest he has gotten to sleep the whole day.
      Through every step, all I could do was thank God. Yes, he's in pain and lying on a hospital bed, and I've had to fight tears since I walked through that door. But there are many more places he could be lying right now, and with that being said, I'm more than grateful to God that it's a hospital bed. All the love and support from all those that truly care has been amazing, and as I sit on this couch and write all this stuff, I may cry, but I can't complain. God has been wayy too faithful for me to complain. I mobilized prayer from as many places as I could, and what do you know, the prayer of the righteous availeth much!

      I was definitely freaked out about everything, and panicked a lot of the time. After reading this, you may probably think that I had no reason to, but let me tell you this: When it all comes down to the life of someone you love more than yourself, shit gets REAL. I love my brother. More than I love myself. And if I had to pay an outrageous amount of money for a ticket to be here as early as possible this morning, then I did. If I had to skip classes, work, and appointments to be here, then I did. Because someone matters to me. Live for the people you love, and those that matter the most to you while you still have the chance.

If you were me, you would have panicked too.

That is all... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~