She's tried to find it.
But if pain a teardrop, she's cried the pacific already;
If hurt a flower, she's been in the most beautiful gardens.
If that perfect end...if love... a book,
she's remained in the contents.
...and it's pain of the brokenness a delicate heart feels
watching the one she loves find happiness in another one's embrace.
the sad torture of the realization that what she always wanted so bad, was no longer an option.
the complications of holding on...not because she wants to,
but because there's no means of letting go.
the uncertainties of not being able to give up what she never had;
not being able to move past what was once a wish... a hope... a fantasy.
all over again she's searching...
searching for lost hope.
memories... nostalgia... she relives.
it was all with him one minute, and the next only without him -
pained from the knowledge that it was just about what she could give,
not what she could get;
how it made her feel, not what was real.
but she hadn't known. She'd wished...
and trusted...
and believed.
Now with every moment comes anxiety,
every memory brings a chill.
She'd laid her all, and behind him, he'd shut the door.
...she'd made a mistake just thinking 'forever'.
She is what she is. She'll never change.
what will the next be? Another mistake?
another walk?
another shut door?
Questions in her head...yearning in her heart.
So much love to give and no one to receive.
But what's emotion anyway?
she's lost it to tears... her senses, to fears.
believe it or not, she's broken. She's bled.
and the smile she wears is only a bit of her story.
She'll give others her words, and refrain from using them.
cause since they quit writing her fairytale,
they'd turned another's tragedy to one.
Everyday, every moment,
she feels the hurt, and pain, and loneliness.
she's letting go of the past, but the difficulty of walking away
when there's no visible path to future, burns.
Time is done telling, it's her head now.
Not her heart anymore.
Where her heart leads, her head won't go.
Done with emotion; just started on nous.
Cry all night.
Drink all summer.
Take a shot... for her.
###
That's a piece of eclipse... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
WHAT HIS BLOOD MEANS... TO ME.
So, you know how they say the first step to overcoming something is to admit it? If you answered no, well there it is. "They" say something like that. Moving on. I have many issues I have to overcome but admitting them is the hardest part. I hate the fact that I cannot be perfect. I have to admit that to be fine with making mistakes. I hate the fact that I cannot get all A's. I have to admit that to be okay with getting B's. Those are mediocre compared to one of the hardest things I'll ever have to admit, and this is it: I let my fear keep me from living and achieving. You're probably saying "Oh? That's it?" The answer is no. You see, fear comes in different shapes and forms - the fear of failure, the fear of imperfection, the fear of limitation, the fear of....cancer. I'm random with that last fear, and I know, but don't lose me just yet.
Take one moment to think about the people that cancer has taken away - those you know personally, and those you've heard of. Uncountable huh? I know. As I write, one of my favourite people in this world is on a bed suffering at the hands of this terrible disease. I'm on my knees daily for a miracle for him, and when I get up, I get that slight chill of fear. Never fails. Why? Cause that could be me. Now you're wondering why I would fear when it could be anyone at all, and I will tell you why. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a recurring condition of fibro adenoma. For those of you who don't feel like opening an extra tab to google what that means, I'll tell you. I have benign breast lumps...that are reoccurring. Meaning, if I take them out, they'll only just come back. I have 4 scars from surgery, and still have more than 9 lumps currently. Wow right? I know. My surgeon suggested I stop taking them out, but made it clear that I need to watch them closely and have regular check-ups because some cancerous ones come shielded in the looks of fibro adenomas. NOT what I wanted to hear.
Maybe some of you still don't understand. I wake-up everyday, and I get a slight chill when I think about this. I get on my knees for cancer patients I know, and in the back of my head, I can't help but think that could be me some day. Every time I go for a check-up, I sit in that chair waiting for the radiologist to determine my results and the doctor to walk in with something to tell me. Believe it or not, it crosses my mind sometimes that it may be something I do not want to hear. Do you understand now? This is a fear that I LIVE with, and one that will never go away. This, might be
You may have fears, and one of them may be of getting cancer, but you may not live with it like I do, and let me tell you now - both fears are not the same. Every time I talk to my mom, she always encourages me and reminds me that God is with me. When I say I am afraid, he asks me to cast ALL my fears on him for he cares for me. It is easy to hear this, but hard to obey. For many years I was stuck on why it had to be me. I am a young girl with a long life ahead of me, and this fear is not my idea of blissful maturity. If you don't get anything else from reading this, I want you to get this one thing: Jesus does something for us, that NO FEAR can take away. Let me explain. Jesus died. He shed his blood. For us. For you... For me. And his word says by his stripes, we are healed. Why did he die for us? Because he loved us, and not just loved us, but loved us perfectly. What does the bible say about perfect love?
It casts out fear. If Easter means nothing to you, let it mean this one thing on my behalf... What his blood means to me.
This past Wednesday, as I sat in that room after my ultrasound waiting for the radiologists results, and the doctor to come and tell me what he had to say, I was nervous as always. It is nerve wrecking. The doctor walked in and told me that everything looked about the same as last time, and that I didn't have anything to worry about, but reminded me to keep an eye on everything. After I breathed my sigh of relief, he looked at me and said, "Do you ever wonder, why you?" I smiled for a couple seconds and looked back at him and replied, "You know, maybe before, but not anymore. At this point, I'm more grateful than anything." The reason why I am more grateful than anything is because I know God never leaves me. I know what his blood has done for me, and what it means to me. I'm human, and I will fear, but God's perfect love overcomes my fear. That is why in 24 hours I may have just 5 seconds of fear. I spend the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds being aware of God's presence with me, and his perfect love for me.
So if you see me on twitter ranting off about my "twins" and encouraging girls to get checked because breast cancer is real, there it is. Now you know why. I don't know what it is in your life people, but Jesus died for you and for me. His blood covers everything that could possibly bother you. It is true that people die, and things go wrong, but when you have Jesus, everything will be okay.. in life... or in death.
Happy Easter.
This is what His blood means to me... as I do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo Credit 1 Photo Credit II Photo Credit III Photo Credit IV
Take one moment to think about the people that cancer has taken away - those you know personally, and those you've heard of. Uncountable huh? I know. As I write, one of my favourite people in this world is on a bed suffering at the hands of this terrible disease. I'm on my knees daily for a miracle for him, and when I get up, I get that slight chill of fear. Never fails. Why? Cause that could be me. Now you're wondering why I would fear when it could be anyone at all, and I will tell you why. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a recurring condition of fibro adenoma. For those of you who don't feel like opening an extra tab to google what that means, I'll tell you. I have benign breast lumps...that are reoccurring. Meaning, if I take them out, they'll only just come back. I have 4 scars from surgery, and still have more than 9 lumps currently. Wow right? I know. My surgeon suggested I stop taking them out, but made it clear that I need to watch them closely and have regular check-ups because some cancerous ones come shielded in the looks of fibro adenomas. NOT what I wanted to hear.
Maybe some of you still don't understand. I wake-up everyday, and I get a slight chill when I think about this. I get on my knees for cancer patients I know, and in the back of my head, I can't help but think that could be me some day. Every time I go for a check-up, I sit in that chair waiting for the radiologist to determine my results and the doctor to walk in with something to tell me. Believe it or not, it crosses my mind sometimes that it may be something I do not want to hear. Do you understand now? This is a fear that I LIVE with, and one that will never go away. This, might be
You may have fears, and one of them may be of getting cancer, but you may not live with it like I do, and let me tell you now - both fears are not the same. Every time I talk to my mom, she always encourages me and reminds me that God is with me. When I say I am afraid, he asks me to cast ALL my fears on him for he cares for me. It is easy to hear this, but hard to obey. For many years I was stuck on why it had to be me. I am a young girl with a long life ahead of me, and this fear is not my idea of blissful maturity. If you don't get anything else from reading this, I want you to get this one thing: Jesus does something for us, that NO FEAR can take away. Let me explain. Jesus died. He shed his blood. For us. For you... For me. And his word says by his stripes, we are healed. Why did he die for us? Because he loved us, and not just loved us, but loved us perfectly. What does the bible say about perfect love?
It casts out fear. If Easter means nothing to you, let it mean this one thing on my behalf... What his blood means to me.
This past Wednesday, as I sat in that room after my ultrasound waiting for the radiologists results, and the doctor to come and tell me what he had to say, I was nervous as always. It is nerve wrecking. The doctor walked in and told me that everything looked about the same as last time, and that I didn't have anything to worry about, but reminded me to keep an eye on everything. After I breathed my sigh of relief, he looked at me and said, "Do you ever wonder, why you?" I smiled for a couple seconds and looked back at him and replied, "You know, maybe before, but not anymore. At this point, I'm more grateful than anything." The reason why I am more grateful than anything is because I know God never leaves me. I know what his blood has done for me, and what it means to me. I'm human, and I will fear, but God's perfect love overcomes my fear. That is why in 24 hours I may have just 5 seconds of fear. I spend the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds being aware of God's presence with me, and his perfect love for me.
So if you see me on twitter ranting off about my "twins" and encouraging girls to get checked because breast cancer is real, there it is. Now you know why. I don't know what it is in your life people, but Jesus died for you and for me. His blood covers everything that could possibly bother you. It is true that people die, and things go wrong, but when you have Jesus, everything will be okay.. in life... or in death.
Happy Easter.
This is what His blood means to me... as I do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo Credit 1 Photo Credit II Photo Credit III Photo Credit IV
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