MY STRANGER II

Dear Stranger,
...It's me. Again.
This time however, it's a much bigger and deeper cut. I'd love to say that I know where to start, but with you, there's never really a beginning... or an end. There's just always a more than complicated "in-between". A lot of times, I wish that it wasnt as complicated as it always is. This time, the straw broke the camels back.
     I need vocabulary more than I have to be able to express these feelings. They're more than even my mind can comprehend, and it's totally unreal. I don't even get me anymore. I don't recognise this person I am when it comes to you. I tell myself that I cannot do certain things, and when I think about you, I end up telling myself that I can. I said I wouldnt fall again, trust again, believe again. When it comes to you, it's as though I don't even have a choice. I just fall, trust and believe. This is not me. I don't know who this person is; this person that says something and does another. I don't recognize her. She smiles without a reason to. She runs into walls lost in thought. She always wants to call or text you, and wishes its you when her phone goes off. She loves without a peice of herself. This girl? No. I don't know her. I recognize the me that says I won't do something, and stick to it. The me that makes my choices. The me that gets irritated at every couple of texts. The me that always loves half-heartedly because of the fear of getting hurt. That's the me I know.
    No one has ever made me feel like I am another person in a happier world that I constantly long to be in. You would make me feel that way, and STILL be a stranger. I don't get what it is with you. You take me halfway, the let me walk the rest of the road alone. Why would you start the walk with me if you don't intend to cross the finish line with me? Why would you take my hand and not hold it? Why would you make me stand and not be my support? Why would you make me love, and then hurt me? I wish I understood. But every time I wish, you remind me.. It's only a wish.
   It's been an eternity of trying to figure out what it is with us. An eternity suggests the longest time I can think of. I keep telling myself time will tell - my feelings and reality - but you know, there's only so much time tells, before I have to listen to my head, and quit following my heart. My heart brings out the person in me that I don't recognize. My head brings out the me in me that I know. And even though my heart keeps telling me to give it another shot, my head is saying it's not worth the fall again. If I ever told myself that I couldn't move on, you were the one thing I needed to prove to me that I could.
   I'm not bitter, mad, or angry. I'm just hurt, but I'm learning to live each day as it comes, knowing that nothing really lasts forever. I knew that I was wishing on a star that was not going to fall, but I wished anyway, hoping that if it was worth it, I could go get it. For so long I thought it was worth it, and chose to believe it, but hey, the best things in life are totally free, and whatever comes at a price, I definitely do without. Easy said? Certainly. Easy done? Not the slightest bit. But I've learned to accept my pain, and fight through it, because from this pain comes the will and power to move on.
    I'm not going to say that I can move on in the blink of an eye. I can't. I'm not going to say that I can think about my life without you in it. I can't. I'm not going to say that I will forget you, and everything I've been through because of you. Not happening. What I can comfortably say is, I'm slowly acquiring the ability to live without the people that I love. My first teacher was death. My second has been you.

There's one true confession that my soul bleeds to reveal.

Good-bye.... Stranger
Please remain a stranger to me... FOREVER. :-)

That's Stranger Part II... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

[Keep up with 'The Stranger Series'... Find part I in my archive!]
Photo credit: http://www.layoutsparks.com/1/196158/i-miss-you-42-1.html

ASK YOURSELF...

... are you celebrating your success, or someone else's failure?

       If you know anything about me and sports, I am literally the biggest fan of the Golden Tornado Basketball and Volleyball teams. [If you don't know who the golden tornado's are, google them.] I was at a volleyball game yesterday, and the girls were battling for the 1st position in the PAC [President's Athletic Conference] with the Bethany College Bisons. As usual, I sit there, and pray all through the game for these girls. Minus having a relationship off the court with some of them, volleyball has always been one of my favorites. We won the first game 25-19, and I was like well, expected. you know. Our girls kick ass. The second game, we lost 25-16. That was when I realised that this was actually a battle. I didn't stop praying. Third game, we won 25-19 and the fourth we won 25-15. LIKE #BAWSES.
     This was an amazing win! The Bisons had an overall record of like 24 wins and 3 losses before they played The Golden Tornadoes, and we had lost to them before. It was much more than a good feeling to win this one. Besides, when the Bison girls started to cheer, they were loud and annoying. There were certainly moments when I was totally ticked off by their loud and veryyyy annoying cheers, and wished I could somehow shut them up. I didn't really need to though. Us winning was definitely enough to quiet them down after, and that made me happy. But as I walked away from the gym yesterday evening, it somehow crossed my mind to ask myself what I was most happy about - That our girls won, or that the Bisons lost. Trsut me, they are not the same thing.
     You see, life is a very unfortunate adventure sometimes. It just happens that wherever there is a competition, there has to be a winner, and there has to be a loser. It is naturally ingrained in our human nature to want to be the best at everything and win. Therefore, everyone wants to win. Winning is the good side.Winning is what brings all the good feelings and senses of accomplishment. Winning is everythinG. [capital 'g' there is intentional]. However, do you ever take time to understand the mindset you have after winning? Yes, you won, and that is something to be happy about. But are you also happy at another man's loss? Think about it carefully. There are also times when you will lose. Losing is the bad side. No one wants to lose to anyone else. Losing brings feelings of inadequacy, and senses of failure. I won't say losing is nothing [you'll understand if you read my last post], but losing isn't half of what winning is. You lose, and that is nothing to be happy about. Think about the mindset you have after you lose. Are you sad that they won, or sad that you lost? Think about it carefully. You see how it's different?
     It's important to realise that life is a snafu. Things go up and the very next moment their right back down. You can never predict the happenings of life, and therefore, can never be all time winning or all time losing. Because of this, it is very significant that you understand what mindset you have when you're winning or when you're losing, because you never know where you're going to be next. As I walked on court to congratulate the GT's and celebrate with them, I looked over to my right, and the Bison's were in a circle, I'm guessing with their coach in the middle saying something to them. For a moment I felt a little for them. And don't get me wrong, I was anything more than happy that our girls won, but a part of me still felt that compassion for this other team. Failure is not easy for anyone, especially great people, and you only realise that when you can step into their shoes and feel it yourself.
      You by no means, have to put out someone's light to make yours shine brighter. If you're a winner, be happy that you won, and don't have the mindset of focusing on the loss of the other person. You may be the next person to maybe not even only step in the shoes of failure, but as much as walk in them. If you lose, don't  have the mindset that focuses on the negative feelings toward the winner. Focus on yourself and what you can do to get better and improve. You may be the next person to maybe not even only step in the shoes of success, but walk in them.
      I just thought somebody needed to know this.

That's all about asking yourself ...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

EVERY BROKENNESS, EVERY SCAR

You know... or not. No, you don't know. But I'll tell you.

Sometimes I get in the shower just because I want to cry. Not even you can tell your tears apart from water in the shower. Sometimes someone else gets the job over me. Sometimes I sit to talk to God, and I can only ask questions that I never seem to get answers to. Sometimes I stand in the rain hoping it would wash away all those memories that I want to get rid of. Sometimes I'm all alone even when I could do with the least bit of company. Sometimes I watch those sad tragic movies, and feel like I'm watching a reflection of myself. Sometimes I just need to talk but that's when everyone is busy.
        Don't be so quick to judge me though. Everyone has some of those moments. Those moments when things go terribly wrong and don't seem to ever get better, and neither crying yourself to sleep, or believing what helps you sleep at night works. It's kinda depressing that all those times that you wish you would forget are the ones that never really take the back seat in your head. They sit in front as a constant reminder to all the pain, hurt, and distressing stuff you've been through. They torment you with all the terrible memories, when you'd rather want them buried off somewhere that even you can't find them. We end up being enemies to these memories and negative times in our lives, and all we can really think about is what we were like before these situations, and what we are like right now, after them - the shift from wholeness to brokenness, and beauty to scars. No one wants to remember that they were once whole, and now are broken, or once beautiful, and now are all scarred.
        As human beings we make everything negative, negative. It's not in our human nature to make anything negative, positive. However, right in the middle of deep brokenness and the most obvious scars, there's the most beautiful story. Your story. Call me insane or naiive, or believe it. Think about those people with a former drug and alcohol addiction, or eating disorder, or depression, or someone that has had an abortion, or someone that has been sexually abused. Have you ever wondered how these people ever rise out of those positions to tell their stories to hugeee numbers of people? Think about it. Every little time that you've cried yourself to sleep, or been hurt by someone you loved, or lost a friend, a mother, a loved one, or felt like the world everyone else was living in was different, or been the victim in any form or situation; ALL those times have played a vital role in building the strength in the person that stares back at you when you look in the mirror. The book of your life, your story, and ultimately YOU, would be incomplete without all the chapters of hurt, pain and distress. The reason you are able to stand in all the strength that you do, is not because you hate what has happened to you, and don't ever want to remember it. It is because you embrace every little bit of it, and tell yourself that you want to rise above it, and become the best person that you can be.
         There is grandeur in every brokenness, and splendor in every scar - physical or emotional. And that grandeur and splendor is you taking something undesirable and destructive, and turning it into strength that cannot be explained, and a story that has to be told! It's most certainly easier said than done, but instead of liking the person that you are - one that just takes whatever comes like it comes, love the person that you have the potential to be - the person that makes greatness of brokenness, and splendor of scars. Why? Because there's a little bit of you in every brokenness and every scar, and once you make greatness and splendor out of them, you make greatness and splendor out of who you are.
        So you see, wounded and pained? Yes. Broken and shattered to pieces? Absolutely. However, instead of looking at myself and remembering how flawless I used to be, I take another look and see how far I've come. It took all the hurt and suffering to become what I've become. Now, I'm more than content because with God, I've emerged the most beautiful person from all that I have been through....Only because I realized that there's a little bit of me in every brokenness and every single scar. :-)

That's every brokenness, and every scar... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~