JUST TO HEAR YOU SAY...

Where are you?

I call... but no answer.

I search.. but no find.

I'm here. All alone. Broken.

To expect otherwise would be foolish of me.

to think that you'd be here... with me.. right now? No way.

I hurt you. I disappointed you. I wronged you.

I knew that I would face you.

What I didn't know was how hard it would be.

....and I'm still here. All alone. Broken.

You promised to always love me,

but right now, its the hardest thing I'm going to have to accept.

you said you won't give me more than I can handle,

and at this moment I'm wishing you didn't trust me so much.

Our relationship... that's blown.

Our love... that's been thrown.

And all I see of me through you right now... it's all unknown.

...and I'm still here. All alone. Broken.

They stare at me and judge me.

they haven't been where I've been.

But when I reach for you to come and save me,

The emptiness I feel from your absence is the void my fingers find.

I feel unworthy of your grace, undeserving of your beauty,

Your mercy is not for me, and your embrace could never be.

...and I'm still here. All alone. Broken.

Then at your feet you bring me... you desire a drink from my well.

How could you? Why should you? Why DO you?

It's impure... it's dirty... it's full of my failures and mistakes

It's all the things I wanna keep buried, 

your image on which I've drawn a permanent stain.

So I step back... holding tight to my bucket,

And under my breath I remind myself: my well is not fit to quench your thirst.

...and I'm still here. Not alone. But Broken.

Now you tell me it's not about your thirst but about mine.

I'm hungry for forgiveness, for peace and living water

but I'm not letting go of this bucket that can take out the misery and pain.

You tell me you want my burden, you tell me you want my hurt

You tell me you've seen my desperation, 

and remind me that I'm not dirt.

Your attempts to get me to let go of what I cling to

are convincing when you say that's the only way to get what I seek.

...and I'm still here. Not Alone. Still Broken.

Broken because you shouldn't love me... but you do.

Amazed because I don't deserve another chance, but you give it anyway.

Confused because I couldn't be a greater disappointment...

But that's when you look in my eyes, and say your grace is sufficient.

I'm defeated in my being... struggling deep down within, 

But you hold me and tell me that I could be nothing, but your child.

...and I'm still here. Not alone. And whole.

So let me run and get the others! 

That have wells just like I do,

That hold tight to their buckets, and bury the shame they've been.

Let them feel where you've touched me, and see what you've shown me.

Let them have what you've given me...

....Let them become what you've made me!!

Cause we all need this; to be at your feet, and receive forgiveness and peace.

To hold your hand, and feel your heart. 

To just hear you say... 

"You'll always be here. Never Alone. 

And because I'm here, You'll always be whole."

I wrote this for those of you who've done things that you feel like God can't forgive you for. "Jesus doesn't care what you've done before..." Just remember, you have to be willing to give it all up, and forgive yourself too. :-)

That is just to hear you say... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

HEARTFELT...

I'm a happy young girl... but sometimes, I breakdown.

Some people have actually told me I have a perfect life. Glad they noticed. (A little sarcasm in there) Truthfully though, I had a wonderful childhood, went to great schools, graduated college with a first class degree, have amazing parents who will do almost anything for me... and above all, I have Jesus. Jesus makes ALL things beautiful.

I've moved steadily through the stages of my life without qualms. As is the tradition, before every stage, I ask God for guidance, and he sees me through, no matter how incredibly hard they get. However, this stage I'm in at the moment, has to be the hardest I've been through so far.

Four and a half years ago when I made the decision to school outside the country, I knew it would be tough. I knew I'd face a lot of things that I'd have to deal with. If you're an international student, you get my drift. If you've heard me talk about my experience, you'd understand this too. A couple of months ago when I made the decision to go to graduate school where I didn't know anyone, and where I had never been before, I knew it would be tough... but I didn't know it would be this tough. Yes, it's harder than undergrad - expected; yes, its a new environment and takes some getting used to - expected; and yes, I've never been so alone in my entire life. Now this? NOT expected.

On the 11th of August, I left the bosom of my father's house and the company of some of my best friends for graduate school. Since that day, my only company has been the internet. Believe it or yes. I go to school alright, but I'm alone most of the time. I ride the bus alone, go to class and sit alone, come home alone. I go shopping alone, to restaurants alone, to church alone. The only time I meet up with people is when I have a group project. I spend my weekends cuddled up in my bed reading tweets about how much fun people are having with friends and family. I spend my evenings and nights doing homework, and readings for class. I dont remember the last time I got a hug, or had someone ask if I wanted to have lunch. This has been my life for the last 8 weeks. And for the first time today,

Do you ever realize how important being around people who actually care about you is? Imagine your life like mine for just one week. Bet you're going, "no way. that's impossible." Yeah, don't envy me. It's not fun. And remember, I can't just drive home for the weekend and forget about college life for a bit. Nope! So there, If I have ever understood the value of "people", it would be right now.

Don't ever wait to be all alone to understand the value that family and friends add to your life. Trust me, that company is something nothing else in the world can replace.  Not the internet. Not movies. Not food. Not shopping. Not getting your hair or nails done. Not smoking a pot of shisha or taking a shot. Simply, nothing. So today, tell someone how much their company means to you. Appreciate someone for asking you to lunch, or just saying hi and putting a smile on your face. The next time you find yourself in the company of someone you who truly gives a shit about you, be sure to let them know how much you appreciate them.

You can go an eternity without breaking, but one day will surely come, when you will feel alone. Don't let it happen.

So here's a little one to all the people who actually give a shit about me. :-)

That's about my heartfelt... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

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