...THIS LOVE THING.

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”


......and i would rather regret more what I didn't say, cause they talk about how much it hurts sitting beside you and keeping it inside how much I want you to be mine, knowing that i may never mean anything to you. They forget about how much it'll hurt to tell you I love you, and not get it back in return.
                             "am I crazy or falling in love, or is this really just another crush".
Maybe it's just a thing of the moment. Maybe i don't really feel the way i do. Maybe I'll be satisfied by just being in your life. Maybe I'll be fine just knowing that you noticed me for one day; that i walked by you, and you thought I was pretty; that you turned around and saw me and had to take a second look. Maybe I'll be satisfied if you only just knew my name. 
                              "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. 
Maybe I really feel the way I do. Maybe I'm just in denial trying to convince myself that I don't feel this when I do, or that I don't want you when I do. It could be that I am just trying to find an excuse not to tell you how i feel. It could also be that I'm trying to change things cause of my own insecurities. Is it safe to say that I am not sure how or what it is that i feel?
                             "Last night i tried but i couldn't sleep. Thoughts of you were in my head".
I guess at a certain point i try not to love you cause of the fear of not being loved in return, but you know, my heart does what it wants to do, and that i can't control. I just can't come to telling you how i feel - whether i truly feel it or not. I don't know how to recover from being turned down if that happens. My fragile heart, my self worth, my esteem, my confidence, my everything.
                             "If this is't love, tell me what it is, cause i could be dreaming or just plain crazy".
yeah. pretty much. everything is giving me signals that i could really love you, but then again, i may just be crazy.. maybe about you. i could just be obsessed with you. or, i could just want you to be crazy about me, or obsessed with me. 
                             "I try to go on like i never knew you".
And that's the truth. Because I walk right by you, and i say hi like the next person behind me probably would. I stare at you like every other girl with a good taste in a man would. You'll never have the slightest idea that all this shit goes through my head. You'll prolly never figure it out too. 
          Bottom line is, I have all these feelings..bottled up in this fragile heart of mine. and for as long as I am sane, which looks like forever, that's where they will remain. Cause I won't, not for one minute, take the risk of letting you know how I feel.. Only because of the fear that you will not love me in return. 

...somehow, its hard for me dealing with this love thing. 




that's how many girls feel right now... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

UNTIL ONE SWEET DAY... THE MEMORIES REMAIN..

My sweet angel... I LOVE YOU.

~***Shanpepe***~

...ANOTHER GOODBYE?

And the past few months have been very emotional months for me with goodbyes. Yesterday, April 9th 2011, is another day that has been recorded in the "Saddest days of my life" book. I lost not only a friend, but a sister.

Azubah Erdoo Ityav,
        I would love to say that I smile when I think of where you could be now, but that's not the truth. I'd love to say that I can take comfort in the fact that it's greener on the other side, but not right now. I would love to say that you're in a better place, but that as well, can wait.
        Right now, I am hurting... so bad it leaves me speechless. I am confused, and my heart bleeds tears. Right now, my eyes refuse to dry, and the thought that I will never see you, or that gorgeous smile again pierces the deepest parts of my heart. Right now, I go all around facebook, and just end up at your page, staring at your pictures, hoping I'll see another tweet saying it was a mistake. I am in denial of this grief that I am going to have to bear to be able to move past this. I am thinking of the last time I saw you, and how I would not have guessed in my wildest dreams, that I would never see you again. Right now, I remember all the days we sat and fantasized about my wedding, and how there would be no wedding if you were not in it. I think of all the times we smiled, and most importantly, the times we cried..the times we shared grief... I remember the night of your mom's wake keep. I remember how I stood in the back and listened as you sang "comforter". I remember how you would come to my dorm room and we would cry together because you missed mommy. Right now, I think of how I'm crying alone, and this time, not only without you... but for you.. I think of how it is now me to sing "comforter". Right now, its all the emotions running through my heart, and thoughts through my head. I can't seem to focus, can't seem to concentrate, can't seem to simply function. I can't seem to believe that as I write this, you're not sitting somewhere admiring the sunlight pouring through the window, or listening to music, or reading a book. NOTHING  about this seems right.
        I know we fought, we slammed the doors at each other. I know we beat ourselves up about flimsy things sometimes and got mad, but if I could relive all those moments just to have you back, I would do it ompteen times over.I would give anything in this world just to be able to see one last smile, hug you one last time, take one last picture, and record one last memory. I would give anything in this world, just to say one last "I LOVE YOU". I loved you before death, I still love you in this phase of denial, and I will always love you...till my last breath.

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

When I'm done crying, and I am able to finally accept it, the memories of you WILL make me smile. Until time proves that possible, I'm saying, shoot me a text, a facebook message, an email.. just something. 


...and before I forget, You sure will make the most pretty angel. The MOST PRETTY ONE. 


...thats another goodbye ...as i do it.


~***Shanpepe***~