MY STRANGER III

Dear Stranger,

It'll be the last time.

Not because I'm done letting you know how I feel. The reason? I've finally acquired that strength I've looked for for so many years. It's standing right at my doorstep, and I'm about to let it in, but first, I'mma have to let you out; and I plan on doing that with these last words.
       You see, on one hand, not many people go through what I've had to go through with you. On the other hand, I don't know what to say about those that have. There's something that we constantly search for without success. I'm not sure if it's the love that we long to be reciprocated, or the strength that we long to find to successfully move past the likes of you. I'm lying here on this bed, thinking of things that once reminded me of you - the times we laughed and kissed under the sun, the times we fought and walked out on each other. I'm listening to things that once reminded me of you - the love songs that want to be with someone, those that despise someone, those that want someone to love them back. I learned to be a little more careful about my diction when it regarded you, so permit me to explain my use of the word "once". Throwback roughly about 3 months ago. I'd be remembering those times, and listening to all this music...and crying - unhappy and wishing.    Well here's what 3 months can do. I'm lying here, on this bed, with the widest smile on my face - happy, and trusting.

       Granted, this is not the first time I've said stuff like this. It's amazing even to me, how much I've learned about myself in a hundred and something days. Here's three - I hate to flip out on people because that's just not me. [except i'm pushed to the wall]. I'm a better person than I gave myself credit for [God showed me], and most importantly, it's easy to let go of people once you understand exactly how you feel about them. I've finally made up my mind about you. I'm done with all the wishing. I'm done with waiting time out to see. I'm done with handing out second, third, fourth chances like dollar bills. I'm done with praying and telling God to give me something he's constantly saying no to. I'm done loving you. And yes, I'm comfortable saying that now. **smileee**
     However, I have to acknowledge all the good stuff. You taught me so much it's unbelievable. You taught me that it's okay to not be so perfect, because imperfection is beauty. You taught me that I could believe in people, even when no one believed in them. You taught me the importance of maintaining relationships. You taught me the beauty of hurt and pain, and the joy of losing emotions in tears. One thing... the greatest thing you have ever taught me, is to accept strength when it comes, and move on. Unbreakable strength is at my door asking to be let in, but you know this - that we lose something to every strength that we receive. I tried to lose a lot of things in exchange for that strength, but all the stuff came right back to me, cause I wasn't sending out the right thing. I had tried everything... everything... but you. Right now, the only thing that stands between me and that strength is you. I already feel some of it, and judging by what I've felt so far, I think sending you out that door is worth every. single. bit. of that strength.

 
      So, with these words, this is me sending you out that door, and out of my life. I'm taking the strength. It'll last longer than you ever did, and it can promise healing that you never could nurture. I wish you all the good things that life has to offer. and before I say have a good life, here's my last piece of advice.

You just did by losing me. Don't do it again.

I'll make a confession that my heart is overjoyed to reveal.
I don't miss you. Instead, it feels good to finally, ... be free.
annnnnnnnnndddd now I can say it. Have a good life. :-)

Goodbye stranger.
Please remain a stranger to me... Forever.

This will be the last letter...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

Photo credit 1 Photo credit 2 Photo credit 3

...IF YOU WERE ME, YOU WOULD PANIC TOO.

It wasn't long after I decided to take a little nap that I started getting calls. From my uncle - calm but highly unusual. From my aunt - not calm, and highly unusual. I KNEW something was wrong.
     "Your brother called me screaming over the phone that he needed help! His stomach!" everything that came after that, is a total blur. I had to start my own calls. Called several people without answers, and out of choices, I remembered one last person I hadn't called. This, should've been my first call. My brother was in the hospital, suffering from an excruciating stomach ache, had puked about 9 times in 4 hours, and was coughing up a little bit of blood. First medical center put him in an ambulance and started taking him to where he could get better help. Then I get a text "I can't really text right now, but he's still unstable." At this point tears are coming down my eyes, I'm trying to get in touch with my parents, keep my aunt updated, get more information from his friend, and do all these things at the same time. Through my confusion, I put all these things on hold for a minute, got down on my knees, and told God what was on my mind. "See I don't know how, but there's power, when I'm on my knees."
     After praying, I got back to my phone grind. answering and making calls, and trying to get all this information. I got a call saying he was in the ER, and finally getting professional attention. Shortly after, he calls me and says he was stabilized and doing fine. *sigh of relief* So I made all the calls I needed to make, saying he was stabilized but test results were soon to be released. I got off the couch to the kitchen. Made some indomie [noodles], and as I turned off the burner, about to serve my plate of food, I get another call from my brother. "I'm going in for surgery in the next one hour". My stomach dropped, and so did my jaw. I could only ask why, but I couldn't get professional answers. I made another round of calls updating people on the current situation, and immediately started looking for tickets to fly to Michigan. This was at about 10:35 pm, December 2nd. I dished out my food and went to the computer. If I have ever exaggerated, not now. I had THREE forks of my noodles, and decided eating wasn't going to do it for me. I lost all appetite, and I felt like I was in another world. This was not the night that I had planned.
      I bought my ticket, and began to pack my bags, and look for rides to the airport. My flight was scheduled for 7am, so I had to leave my apartment at 5 at the latest, and no cabs were available for that time. [This has never happened to me before]. I finally got a friend to give me a ride to the airport, and stuff. I didn't sleep the whole night. Left for the airport at 5, checked in, boarded and was on my en route to Michigan. I had a really short layover at Cleveland but I made it to Grand Rapids at 9:30. God worked on my behalf and provided a ride that was waiting for me to arrive at the airport. I got picked up and we drove to the hospital.
       This is when shit got real. I had made this whole trip, but somehow, this wasn't real to me. It had all happened wayy too fast and it just wasnt happening at all in my head. I walked through the door, and there was my brother. On the hospital bed. with tubes all down his right arm from the drip, and a tube up his nose. I swallowed reallllly hard. Kept swallowing hard because I was trying to fight all the tears that were coming to my eyes. I had to be strong for him. I held his hand, and he opened his eyes, and said "you're here", and smiled. Pause and understand one thing. I HATE HOSPITALS. H-a-t-e them. But at that moment, there was nowhere else in the world that I would rather have been. Nowhere.
      The nurse came in and we excused her so she could take the tube out his nose. They took him for a short walk a little ways down the corridor and then back when he was tired. My lil' man is strong! Believe it. This wasn't even 12 hours after surgery and he was walking! Ah! What God does! Anyway, he got back in bed, and we got visitors the whole day. People from school, friends of family, everyone. Now, i'm sitting here with him. Just the two of us. He's fast asleep and has been for the past hour and 10 minutes. I'm so grateful because that's the longest he has gotten to sleep the whole day.
      Through every step, all I could do was thank God. Yes, he's in pain and lying on a hospital bed, and I've had to fight tears since I walked through that door. But there are many more places he could be lying right now, and with that being said, I'm more than grateful to God that it's a hospital bed. All the love and support from all those that truly care has been amazing, and as I sit on this couch and write all this stuff, I may cry, but I can't complain. God has been wayy too faithful for me to complain. I mobilized prayer from as many places as I could, and what do you know, the prayer of the righteous availeth much!

      I was definitely freaked out about everything, and panicked a lot of the time. After reading this, you may probably think that I had no reason to, but let me tell you this: When it all comes down to the life of someone you love more than yourself, shit gets REAL. I love my brother. More than I love myself. And if I had to pay an outrageous amount of money for a ticket to be here as early as possible this morning, then I did. If I had to skip classes, work, and appointments to be here, then I did. Because someone matters to me. Live for the people you love, and those that matter the most to you while you still have the chance.

If you were me, you would have panicked too.

That is all... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

THE SAFE ZONE...

My roommate suggested that I blog about tampons. Bad idea. So, I'mma roll with something else instead.
                                                             ~~~~~*****~~~~~
I've drawn my own conclusions.

It's thanksgiving season. A lot of good food and turkey. Good time with family and friends, and if you're a college student like me, it's that time of the semester where you're just like "i'll take anything but school right now". I get the feeling. Trust me. There are some people or things that you do not want to have to see everyday, some people or things that just make you mad with their presence, and a whole bunch of home work that you do not want to do. yes, all of that. So you need somewhere to go just to get away from stuff, and have a little break.  You know, get away from craziness.
     Tell me though. Do you actually ever get away from craziness? You go home to a grand father who's terminal, or parents seeking a divorce. Someone's not going to be coming for thanksgiving dinner because there's some conflict and tension somewhere in the family.Maybe thanksgiving for you isn't even making turkey and stuffing, but going to visit grandma at the elderly home, and playing cards with her when she barely remembers who you are. Maybe it's going to visit your sibling in jail with tears in your eyes wishing they were never there in the first place. Maybe it's waking up to an ordinary day where everyone is just a member of a family and not a family. No, you didn't just get away from craziness. You got to it.

     You know how people say life is short? Forget about all those beautiful quotes. Life is as long as it cud ever get, and it comes with troubles everyday. You constantly have to deal with stuff that you never thought you'd have to deal with, and you have to make adjustments everyday to accommodate unexpected situations and circumstances. You have to be in thinking mode all the time to ensure that you're making the right decisions and doing the right things. As overwhelming as life gets sometimes, you have to be able to withstand a lot of stuff, and just. keep. fighting.

    My drawn conclusion? We never get away from craziness. There is NO safe zone.

Agree or disagree. Do as you please. But I'll tell you one thing. The more you try to get away from craziness, the more craziness you get; and remember, the more craziness you get, the less you have to be thankful for. It's just that simple. Life is long. and the only way you can spend it fruitfully and thankfully, is learning to deal with craziness - situations or people. Once again, it's easier said than done. But you only start to believe in your ability to deal with shit, when you tell yourself that you can. Running away from a situation never makes it better. Turning your back to a wave approaching the bank doesn't make it stop coming. Shutting your eyes in the sunlight doesn't make the sun yet. You need to be able to deal with somethings and then find space to move on. You should be concerned about what direction you're moving in, and not where you're standing, because the moment you begin to think that you stand firm, you'll begin to fall.

      I know a little bit of craziness in my life, and I've just decided to deal with it, and move on. I've told myself that no matter what, I'm going to be happy and continue to be the person that God wants me to be. Craziness  won't change that. Therefore, I'm very thankful. To God for the opportunity to live life and express myself. I'm thankful for the amazing family that God has given me to mold me through their loving kindness, and to continually build me into the person that God has destined me to be. I'm thankful for my friends, and the amazing support system that he has provided me with. Because I try to face the craziness, I'm able to let go of all of it, and find something to be thankful for this season.
    You may be going through craziness - silly childish stuff, or real life important stuff. There is no safe zone, but you can definitely find one in Jesus when you begin to realize that your thankfulness beats your craziness to the ground. Find something this season to be thankful for.

That's the safe zone... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

Photo credit  Photo credit Photo credit

SO BASICALLYYYYYY...

         I've been judged many times in my life, and to be candid, I don't know what any of it has been based off of - the way I dress, the people I hang out with, where I come from, my family or background - whatever else. I have been thought to be rude and mean, arrogant and conceited. I know those of you who know me are probably like  whaaaaa? I know. *one eyebrow up and nodding* Best believe it.
         This one time, I even had people invite me to their church because they believed that I didn't have salvation. [yup, I know]. A couple of weeks later, my roommate and I got mail from the church. They were pretty lucky I opened mine. My roommates went right to the trash - sealed and unopened. Why? We were judged right before we got into the church by the people that took us there. Then, the pastor had something good to prophesy about everyone else that came with the group from my school apart from me and my roommate. He said in his prophecy that we 'need salvation'. He was literally pushing my head [and my roommate's] so hard so we would fall because every other person he laid hands on fell. If we weren't moved by the spirit to fall, we were not going to fall. Precisely because, God cannot be mocked. People looked at us weird for not falling, but what are we saying about God if we just fell because other people were falling? *sigh*

        Social networking has made the world in such a way that you know only as much as people choose to show you, and you take it because you have no choice. There are a million people out there who get on facebook, twitter, blogs, tumblr, blah blah blah, and say all the negative stuff they want about God because they don't care. Other people on the other hand, get on there, and say the most beautiful things about God. half of them really mean it, but for the other half, all that is a cover up for what they really do. You see people walking around singing Jesus, and you never know what goes on behind closed doors because you're never let in.

Until you're let in those doors, you're closed to the reality that people actually believe that they can mock God.
      I'm not saying this because I think that I'm perfect. My flaws are infact, the greatest part of me. And I refuse to come on here and be all judgmental about people cause of the things I see going on around me, but I can't help but wonder how God feels sometimes. You try to talk down to people when you do worse stuff than they do. You sing the praises of God the loudest, yet you disobey him the most. You use God only so the world cannot see what's in your closet. I totally disagree with this lifestyle. If you're going to do dirt, then leave God out of it. You cannot be on the fence when it comes to Him. You're either with him, or you're not, and trying to associate with him when you're not with him is never the way to go.
      You may not care, but take time to think about what you're saying about God to people who know the way you live. I mean, God is forgiving, but that does not mean we should take him for granted. If you think that no one will ever know the shit you do, just remember that nothing.. NOTHING... is hidden under the sun, and every now and then, the water runs past the river bank. Use whatever else you want to get over the stuff you hide from the world, but once you start to use God? Hunny you trippinnnn'.
    So basicalllyyyyyy, be careful what part God plays in your life, and try to make sure it's the right one.

That's basicallyy it... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

Photocredit http://media.photobucket.com/image/follow+the+crowd%3F+/prit_resistol/follow-the-crowd.jpg
http://nicolas-henri.deviantart.com/art/It-Dwells-Behind-Closed-Doors-63609966

MY STRANGER II

Dear Stranger,
...It's me. Again.
This time however, it's a much bigger and deeper cut. I'd love to say that I know where to start, but with you, there's never really a beginning... or an end. There's just always a more than complicated "in-between". A lot of times, I wish that it wasnt as complicated as it always is. This time, the straw broke the camels back.
     I need vocabulary more than I have to be able to express these feelings. They're more than even my mind can comprehend, and it's totally unreal. I don't even get me anymore. I don't recognise this person I am when it comes to you. I tell myself that I cannot do certain things, and when I think about you, I end up telling myself that I can. I said I wouldnt fall again, trust again, believe again. When it comes to you, it's as though I don't even have a choice. I just fall, trust and believe. This is not me. I don't know who this person is; this person that says something and does another. I don't recognize her. She smiles without a reason to. She runs into walls lost in thought. She always wants to call or text you, and wishes its you when her phone goes off. She loves without a peice of herself. This girl? No. I don't know her. I recognize the me that says I won't do something, and stick to it. The me that makes my choices. The me that gets irritated at every couple of texts. The me that always loves half-heartedly because of the fear of getting hurt. That's the me I know.
    No one has ever made me feel like I am another person in a happier world that I constantly long to be in. You would make me feel that way, and STILL be a stranger. I don't get what it is with you. You take me halfway, the let me walk the rest of the road alone. Why would you start the walk with me if you don't intend to cross the finish line with me? Why would you take my hand and not hold it? Why would you make me stand and not be my support? Why would you make me love, and then hurt me? I wish I understood. But every time I wish, you remind me.. It's only a wish.
   It's been an eternity of trying to figure out what it is with us. An eternity suggests the longest time I can think of. I keep telling myself time will tell - my feelings and reality - but you know, there's only so much time tells, before I have to listen to my head, and quit following my heart. My heart brings out the person in me that I don't recognize. My head brings out the me in me that I know. And even though my heart keeps telling me to give it another shot, my head is saying it's not worth the fall again. If I ever told myself that I couldn't move on, you were the one thing I needed to prove to me that I could.
   I'm not bitter, mad, or angry. I'm just hurt, but I'm learning to live each day as it comes, knowing that nothing really lasts forever. I knew that I was wishing on a star that was not going to fall, but I wished anyway, hoping that if it was worth it, I could go get it. For so long I thought it was worth it, and chose to believe it, but hey, the best things in life are totally free, and whatever comes at a price, I definitely do without. Easy said? Certainly. Easy done? Not the slightest bit. But I've learned to accept my pain, and fight through it, because from this pain comes the will and power to move on.
    I'm not going to say that I can move on in the blink of an eye. I can't. I'm not going to say that I can think about my life without you in it. I can't. I'm not going to say that I will forget you, and everything I've been through because of you. Not happening. What I can comfortably say is, I'm slowly acquiring the ability to live without the people that I love. My first teacher was death. My second has been you.

There's one true confession that my soul bleeds to reveal.

Good-bye.... Stranger
Please remain a stranger to me... FOREVER. :-)

That's Stranger Part II... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

[Keep up with 'The Stranger Series'... Find part I in my archive!]
Photo credit: http://www.layoutsparks.com/1/196158/i-miss-you-42-1.html

ASK YOURSELF...

... are you celebrating your success, or someone else's failure?

       If you know anything about me and sports, I am literally the biggest fan of the Golden Tornado Basketball and Volleyball teams. [If you don't know who the golden tornado's are, google them.] I was at a volleyball game yesterday, and the girls were battling for the 1st position in the PAC [President's Athletic Conference] with the Bethany College Bisons. As usual, I sit there, and pray all through the game for these girls. Minus having a relationship off the court with some of them, volleyball has always been one of my favorites. We won the first game 25-19, and I was like well, expected. you know. Our girls kick ass. The second game, we lost 25-16. That was when I realised that this was actually a battle. I didn't stop praying. Third game, we won 25-19 and the fourth we won 25-15. LIKE #BAWSES.
     This was an amazing win! The Bisons had an overall record of like 24 wins and 3 losses before they played The Golden Tornadoes, and we had lost to them before. It was much more than a good feeling to win this one. Besides, when the Bison girls started to cheer, they were loud and annoying. There were certainly moments when I was totally ticked off by their loud and veryyyy annoying cheers, and wished I could somehow shut them up. I didn't really need to though. Us winning was definitely enough to quiet them down after, and that made me happy. But as I walked away from the gym yesterday evening, it somehow crossed my mind to ask myself what I was most happy about - That our girls won, or that the Bisons lost. Trsut me, they are not the same thing.
     You see, life is a very unfortunate adventure sometimes. It just happens that wherever there is a competition, there has to be a winner, and there has to be a loser. It is naturally ingrained in our human nature to want to be the best at everything and win. Therefore, everyone wants to win. Winning is the good side.Winning is what brings all the good feelings and senses of accomplishment. Winning is everythinG. [capital 'g' there is intentional]. However, do you ever take time to understand the mindset you have after winning? Yes, you won, and that is something to be happy about. But are you also happy at another man's loss? Think about it carefully. There are also times when you will lose. Losing is the bad side. No one wants to lose to anyone else. Losing brings feelings of inadequacy, and senses of failure. I won't say losing is nothing [you'll understand if you read my last post], but losing isn't half of what winning is. You lose, and that is nothing to be happy about. Think about the mindset you have after you lose. Are you sad that they won, or sad that you lost? Think about it carefully. You see how it's different?
     It's important to realise that life is a snafu. Things go up and the very next moment their right back down. You can never predict the happenings of life, and therefore, can never be all time winning or all time losing. Because of this, it is very significant that you understand what mindset you have when you're winning or when you're losing, because you never know where you're going to be next. As I walked on court to congratulate the GT's and celebrate with them, I looked over to my right, and the Bison's were in a circle, I'm guessing with their coach in the middle saying something to them. For a moment I felt a little for them. And don't get me wrong, I was anything more than happy that our girls won, but a part of me still felt that compassion for this other team. Failure is not easy for anyone, especially great people, and you only realise that when you can step into their shoes and feel it yourself.
      You by no means, have to put out someone's light to make yours shine brighter. If you're a winner, be happy that you won, and don't have the mindset of focusing on the loss of the other person. You may be the next person to maybe not even only step in the shoes of failure, but as much as walk in them. If you lose, don't  have the mindset that focuses on the negative feelings toward the winner. Focus on yourself and what you can do to get better and improve. You may be the next person to maybe not even only step in the shoes of success, but walk in them.
      I just thought somebody needed to know this.

That's all about asking yourself ...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

EVERY BROKENNESS, EVERY SCAR

You know... or not. No, you don't know. But I'll tell you.

Sometimes I get in the shower just because I want to cry. Not even you can tell your tears apart from water in the shower. Sometimes someone else gets the job over me. Sometimes I sit to talk to God, and I can only ask questions that I never seem to get answers to. Sometimes I stand in the rain hoping it would wash away all those memories that I want to get rid of. Sometimes I'm all alone even when I could do with the least bit of company. Sometimes I watch those sad tragic movies, and feel like I'm watching a reflection of myself. Sometimes I just need to talk but that's when everyone is busy.
        Don't be so quick to judge me though. Everyone has some of those moments. Those moments when things go terribly wrong and don't seem to ever get better, and neither crying yourself to sleep, or believing what helps you sleep at night works. It's kinda depressing that all those times that you wish you would forget are the ones that never really take the back seat in your head. They sit in front as a constant reminder to all the pain, hurt, and distressing stuff you've been through. They torment you with all the terrible memories, when you'd rather want them buried off somewhere that even you can't find them. We end up being enemies to these memories and negative times in our lives, and all we can really think about is what we were like before these situations, and what we are like right now, after them - the shift from wholeness to brokenness, and beauty to scars. No one wants to remember that they were once whole, and now are broken, or once beautiful, and now are all scarred.
        As human beings we make everything negative, negative. It's not in our human nature to make anything negative, positive. However, right in the middle of deep brokenness and the most obvious scars, there's the most beautiful story. Your story. Call me insane or naiive, or believe it. Think about those people with a former drug and alcohol addiction, or eating disorder, or depression, or someone that has had an abortion, or someone that has been sexually abused. Have you ever wondered how these people ever rise out of those positions to tell their stories to hugeee numbers of people? Think about it. Every little time that you've cried yourself to sleep, or been hurt by someone you loved, or lost a friend, a mother, a loved one, or felt like the world everyone else was living in was different, or been the victim in any form or situation; ALL those times have played a vital role in building the strength in the person that stares back at you when you look in the mirror. The book of your life, your story, and ultimately YOU, would be incomplete without all the chapters of hurt, pain and distress. The reason you are able to stand in all the strength that you do, is not because you hate what has happened to you, and don't ever want to remember it. It is because you embrace every little bit of it, and tell yourself that you want to rise above it, and become the best person that you can be.
         There is grandeur in every brokenness, and splendor in every scar - physical or emotional. And that grandeur and splendor is you taking something undesirable and destructive, and turning it into strength that cannot be explained, and a story that has to be told! It's most certainly easier said than done, but instead of liking the person that you are - one that just takes whatever comes like it comes, love the person that you have the potential to be - the person that makes greatness of brokenness, and splendor of scars. Why? Because there's a little bit of you in every brokenness and every scar, and once you make greatness and splendor out of them, you make greatness and splendor out of who you are.
        So you see, wounded and pained? Yes. Broken and shattered to pieces? Absolutely. However, instead of looking at myself and remembering how flawless I used to be, I take another look and see how far I've come. It took all the hurt and suffering to become what I've become. Now, I'm more than content because with God, I've emerged the most beautiful person from all that I have been through....Only because I realized that there's a little bit of me in every brokenness and every single scar. :-)

That's every brokenness, and every scar... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS??

...and by "this" i mean this thing that has now become a trend. Or let me not say "now become", because it may have always been a trend but has just taken me this long to figure it out. Either way, i want to understand "this" thing, but i'll first start by saying this. When you have something, you unintentionally mess with it because you have it. Because it's still there, you don't notice how bad you've messed with it. You repeat this a second time,  and when it's still there, you notice that you messed with it but it didn't go nowhere. So what happens the third time?
     "This" thing... i may not have a good command of diction, but just try to track me on this. He wants her... to just be there for him. That's basically it. If you've been through this (which i'm guessing will be a large population of girls reading this, because that's all i ever see anymore when i turn my head from one side to another), you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. He wont make an official girlfriend out of you, but he wants you to do all the things that girlfriends do, and to act like one. Then he gets mad when you do things that a single lady would do. (Fill in the blank with allllllll the things that single lady's do). I know that there are a lot of unwritten rules, and i dont know if it is just me, but i don't know the one that says that the man in a non-dating relationship is allowed to get mad at the lady when she acts like she's single.
     Yes, i say it has become a trend, because people i know, people i don't, all around the place, this circumstance has become the norm. Previously, i would have called girls that still hung around men like these pathetic, but not anymore. See, i'm a woman, and I've had only two serious relationships in my life, because when i love someone, i really do love them. Therefore, i can speak for women, and it would be at least a little accurate to say that if a woman doesn't walk out the door the very first time you take steps away, it means that she feels strongly. If she still doesnt walk out after some time of you not giving her the official go ahead to walk with her arm intertwined in yours on the streets, then she feels very strongly. This is where the foundation of "this" lies. Because these men know that their women feel so strongly, and wont walk away that easy, they want to do what they want to do, but have these women as a stable to always be there. (I may be wrong. But i'm trying to make the most accurate guess that i can.)
     There really isn't much i can do to understand this, because if i said i was going on a mission to understand boys, i'd be going on a wild goose chase. However, i may have an idea of how it works for the woman. Yes, women (with many exceptions) love, and are committed, and faithful and stuff. But there's only so much a woman, no matter what she feels, can take. She may hide tears with a smile, a depressed spirit with a song, a broken heart with words, but see, there's still strength and the will to move on; something that the whole world may never get to realize. Every woman has a breaking point, (I wasn't really quoting Keri Hilson, but whatever.) and when she gets there, she'll do what she can to get rid of whatever got her there. I cant vouch for all the women in the world, but i can say with a level of confidence that many will walk. With that being said, some boys just don't realise that they are on their way to creating some lady's breaking point, or even being it themselves (if that makes sense in your head like it does in mine).
       I'm not saying go around wifing every girl that seems to give a shit about you. That will be lame. Very lame indeed. What I'm saying is this. When you have something, you unintentionally mess with it because you have it. Because it's still there, you don't notice how bad you've messed with it. You repeat this a second time,  and when it's still there, you notice that you messed with it but it didn't go nowhere. So the third time, you mess with it intentionally because you know that no matter how far you'll walk, you'll come and find it right where you left it. This third time, you'll come back to a void, of not just no one, but nothing. it may take you 4,5,6,7, or even 8 times or more, but the moment you make it a habit of messing with something just because you know it will always be there, you'll lose it. No girl that gives you her heart and acts right deserves to be a trophy - just used for attention and pride because she's cute, decent, or just has a nice body. Also, no girl will always "just be there". Everyone has the capacity to move on in them. And any man that makes a trophy out of a lady, may just be the reason that she realises hers.


So, this is my own shot at a response to "this"... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

"YOU'RE CALLING ME TO WALK BY FAITH, SO I WILL TAKE A LEAP".

As is my usual tradition before any semester begins, I get on my knees and commit it into the hands of the Lord. From then on, I do my part to the best of my ability and leave the rest to God.

"I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens, down at your feet. And anytime I don't know what to do, I will cast all my cares upon you".

Last semester was tough for me. I started out like okay, this is going to be good. Apparently not. Some way through the semester i'm hating myself cause I couldn't get the grades that I wanted, and I just couldn't do things right. Being the annoying perfectionist that I am, it got me very worried. With every step I took, it just got worse. My mind started to tell me to settle for B's where I didn't think I could make A's. For every time that I tried, my psyche told me that I'd fail twice over. I was literally slowly giving up on my efforts, but then again, I got on my knees and prayed.

"I just can't give up now. I've come to far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy, and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me"!

You know, God really means it when he says he won't ever leave me or forsake me. He means it when he says he will be with me. He means it when he says he won't give me more than I can handle. He means it when he says if we ask, he gives. He means it when he says that in our weakness his strength is made perfect. Above all, he means it when he says his grace is sufficient for me.

"Your grace is enough for me".

I kept track of my scores for every class, (like i always do) just so I could now where I stood. I was sure of one B grade, and a mixture of A's and A-'s. When I used the g.p.a calculator, I came out with a 3.6 for the semester. My goal was a 3.8 at the beginning of the semester, now it was the end, done with classes and all, not time to make up anyy grades, and I try calculating and come up with a 3.6 g.p.a. Very literally, I almost started crying. I didn't understand why God would let something like this happen when he saw how hard I worked all semester, and how fervently I prayed to reach my goal.

""The Voice of Truth tells me a different story, the Voice of Truth says do not be afraid. The Voice of Truth says this is for my glory, out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth".

I didn't worry about it anymore and I told God that I was disappointed but that there was nothing else I could do, so I thanked him for how much he helped me through the semester and at least what my grades came out to be. A couple of days later my friend posts a status on facebook about how she got a 3.9 something g.p.a, and how that was the best one she'd ever gotten, and it suddenly reminded me to check mine. I was very scared to even open it, cause sometimes you expect more than you actually got, but since I already knew my fate, I went and opened it. When I looked at my grades the first time, I had to log out and log back in to make sure they were right. Logging back in confirmed it - All A's and a 3.94 g.p.a. I was literally speechless.

"With you, all things are possible, like an eagle I can soar. With you, the giants fall, they rise no more. With you, I overcome, when fear and faith collide. There's nothing I can't do, anything is possible with you".

Again, I was literally speechless. If you ask me how to tell you how that happened, till today I swear I can't, cause I have not the slightest idea. God walked with me. He kept all his promises to never leave me. He held my hand when it was rough, and carried me when I needed rest. This God I serve.. the same one I prayed to at the beginning of the semester asking for help, at the middle of the semester asking for strength, and at the end, both complaining 'bout where I was, but at the same time thanking him for how far he brought me. Once again, I got on my knees.

"I get on my knees, I get on my knees. There I am before the Lamb that changes me. See I don't know how but there's power, when I'm on my knees".

I really do't know how, but there's power when you're on your knees. Another semester awaits me. Another semester awaits you. I got on my knees and said this same prayer yesterday before my semester started today. I told God what I want. He knows that I am nervous about Political Science 352 - (a core that everyone at my school has to take, and quite simply, it's a beast). He knows that my other classes may be a little overwhelming for me. But he also knows, that I'm looking up to him like I did before. 

"I dance..like the rain on the roof, tell my soul that my spirit's on the loose, don't know if anyone will understand, it feels like an angel's got a hold of my hand. So I dance".

I guess this is a challenge to you. Get on your knees and tell God what you want. The Bible says that God never forsakes the righteous. If you tell him what you want, AND DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER BY WORKING THE HARDEST YOU CAN to make it, he'll honour your request. If he doesn't, we don't serve the same God. 

Its better to walk in the dark with God by faith, than to walk in the light, alone by sight. 

That's my little challenge to you.. as i do it.

~**shanpepe***~

SO, LET'S JUST SAY...

...that a lot of times you say how pathetic a situation is until you get to be in it yourself. Am I guilty? Yes, yes, I am; and if you're asking what the pathetic situation is, let's just say that "I'm still in love with Judas baby". If you get it, good for you, and if you don't, well, try harder next time.

It's been a long summer... long enough for me to learn a lot of things about myself... good, bad, and in between. I realised that I really like coconut and pineapple juice mixed; that I cannot stand things that sit awkwardly on a surface; that I'm a sucker for good looking hair (lie..i've kinda always known that); that sometimes I actually like short nails better than long ones; that you dont just walk into any salon in Abuja cause you might end up paying through your nose; that I may still have feelings for my ex; that I have tendencies of being arthritic in the future; that I really missed the studio more than I thought I did... many many things. Meaningless and meaningful alike. But there are two things that stood out.
              First off, I can never be perfect. Every perfectionist reading this will understand the struggle we face coming to terms with the fact that no matter how good we are, we cannot be perfect. I make mistakes and forget important stuff. I tell myself I won't do something, and I end up not only doing it, but doing it with excess. I take days, weeks, months, to make up my mind about something, and then it takes me just one second to completely change my mind again. It's not easy dealing with the fact that I cannot be perfect, but it's a lot more than just my imperfection. Sometimes I put soo much pressure on myself to be perfect, that I forget to be me. I forget that I don't chose what happens to me. I forget that I don't get to chose what I can and cannot feel. I forget that I can't always plan perfectly, because I don't know tomorrow. I've had to learn to let myself live life, and not try to make it all perfect, because perfection? That's just not me. When I trip on a stone and fall? Now that's me. When I let myself believe, trust, and love again after I've said I wouldn't? That's me. When I plan my day and forget to do something important? That's me. My imperfection is what makes me who I am, and instead of detesting that imperfect part of me, I'm learning to embrace it.
              Secondly, I know what I'm worth. It's not like I haven't known all long, but sometimes you just need a little incident to remind you of just how much. Now I'm not going to say my reminder came from a little incident, but hey, we all walk this same road of life, and yet none has an indentical story. But yeah, some bumps, n roller coasters along this path of summer have made me realise that I am worth something that no one can ever take away from me. I don't need an angel to drop from heaven to upgrade my self esteem. Someone told me this summer, "You've transitioned from fitting in to standing out, and I see you!". Belee dat! There are some things I won't do, some behaviours I won't engage in, some games I won't play, because I know that I'm worth much more than they can offer. This is real life, and there comes a time when you have to stop trusting your heart and trust your head, because your head puts things in logical perspective, and helps you make the decisions of which balls to throw and which to keep.
             But you see, I only figured out these things because I ended up in those same situations that I once sat in my chair and called pathetic. So what I'm just saying is. Before you sit down next time to judge some situation that someone ended up in, remember to tell yourself that they are learning lessons that you may never be able to learn until to get to where they've been... PATHETIC PLACES. *wideeee smile*

Replace the word pathetic if you like. Only with a synonym though. *shrug*

That's all about uhhh, what is it? ...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

IT'S CONFUSING SOMETIMES...

“Let go! You’re hurting my wrist!”, Diane screamed, as Carter pulled her out of the house.

It wasn’t much of a problem to Carter because the loud music overshadowed every bit of the scream. He pulled her out until they got to where all the cars were parked and it was fairly quiet.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Carter asked with anger in his voice.

Diane just stared at him with a blank facial expression. She pulled her wrist free from his grip and used her left palm to rub and sooth her now hurting wrist. “Uhhhh, it’s a party. I was having fun until you rudely interrupted me by pulling me out like a dog on a leash”.

“That’s what you call it?” Carter asked with surprise in his voice. “Rudely interrupting?”

“I was having a serious conversation Carter. Yes, you rudely interrupted me.”

Carter made a fist with right hand and lightly pushed down on the trunk of the car the stood against. “Diane, serious conversations haven’t been the only thing you’ve been doing tonight. I’ve been watching”.

Diane stared at him in utter dismay. “why exactly are we having this conversation?” she lifted her right hand and put on her waist before she realized that her wrist still hurt wayyy too much to do that. “I don’t owe you any answers. It’s a party and I will do what I want to have fun. Is there a part of that you do not understand Carter?”

“Actually, yes.” Carter answered with a sense of sarcasm in his voice. “Are you doing this to make me jealous? Or make me angry, or to just simply provoke me?” he asked.

She smirked. “Really? Make you jealous? Sheesh. You sure do have a lot of time to think this over. We’re not a couple. Remember? If u didn’t hear me the first time, hear me again.” She turned and faced him. “I will do whatever I want.”

“No you won’t” Carter quickly answered with severe anger in his voice.

“Excuse me?” 

“Because now we are a couple.” He answered. “And you will respect that”.

“Woooooowwww”, remarked Diane. “Now we are a couple? I succeed in making you jealous without the intention to, and all of a sudden we’re a couple?” She lifted her left palm to her forehead and turned away to look back at the house for a brief second. “You know, all I have ever wanted is to be your girl, but that I love you doesn’t mean I don’t have my head in the right place.” She took a deep breath.

“If you really wanted to be with me, you’d be with me now. You won’t have had to wait till you realized how hurt you were seeing me with other people. If you’re ever going to be with me, be with me for the right reasons”.

Carter lifted his face and looked into her eyes.

“So no Carter,” she said. “We’re not a couple”.

“why are you being like this Diane?” He softened up a bit since he realized this conversation was not going like he expected.

“Being like this?” She released a little frustrated laugh. “Seriously Carter? I’ve lived the last few months asking myself why you’re ‘being like this’”.

“Okay. Slow down cause you’re losing me”.

“I’ve had to deal with you acting like other girls are more important than me; which may actually be true. I got jealous but I didn’t drag you out of a party hurting you by the wrist. I’m always the one texting you or calling you to meet up somewhere, or something just so I cud see you. I almost always have to text you first cause it seems like you forget me once we’re not together. I’ve had to wonder if I was ever being a pest, or disturbing you. All this about the man that claims to love me. So I’ll answer the question after you. Why are you being like this Carter?”

Carter lowered his head and stared at his feet, making the realization that Diane was nowhere near wrong. “I’m sorry Diane. There’s just been a lot to deal with”.

“A lot to deal with? You think I’m not dealing with a lot? You think all this is easy for me? It just seems like you say all the sweet stuff to me but don’t even care about me being happy.”

“How could you say that?” Carter seemed more hurt now than angry.

“Well that’s how it has seemed all along. At least to me.” She answered.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You acted like everything was okay and all of a sudden you come out with all this stuff? How was I supposed to know any of this? How?” Carter wasn’t pleased with any of this information he was getting.

“I still don’t know why we’re having this conversation”. Diane interjected.

Carter looked into her eyes “I want to make things right.”

“Now? Like this? I don’t think so Carter. If u want to make things right, do it for the right reasons, and do it at the right time.” Diane replied. “Right now, I am getting back to my ‘serious conversation’ and other things”.

She turned around and walked back towards the house, and in that moment, Carter realized that he had something extraordinary that if he didn’t fight for, he was about to lose.

That's whatever it is... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

THIS PLACE I SPEAK OF...

I step off the plane and this very hot humid air hits my face, and instantly I’m reminded that it’s no longer 65 degrees. It’s now like 90. As I walk towards the entrance, I’m handed an immigration form that looks like it has been copied seven times over to fill. *smile* I walk hurriedly towards immigration hoping that the air conditioner would be on and I’d once again be blessed with some cool weather. I was very much disappointed. It was still hot and humid. Either the air conditioners were spoiled, or they just weren’t on. I was 99% sure that the latter was NOT the case. Lol. I heard a woman shouting “citizens left, non citizens, right”! I found my line, or rather my place, because it didn’t look much like a line with people trying to cut in other people’s places. As I filled my form, some man behind me asked for my pen when I was done. This happened every single year – except I didn’t have a pen at all. (which was never the case.)

I finally got through immigrations, and headed to recover my luggage at a baggage claim point which was a tad bit larger than half the size of the one where I was coming from. I couldn’t even see the bags going round because of the number of people that surrounded it so I leaned against a pole hoping someone people would find their own real quick and step out to give me room to wait for mine. It seemed like I had forgotten that where I was, I needed to hustle. As soon as I remembered, I dropped my bags at the feet of that pole, and tried to sneak my way to the front to find my bags. The lady beside me finally got all hers and gave me room to breathe a little. (phew). After a while mine came and I started to make my way towards further immigration checks. When I got there, my form – the one that looked like it had been copied seven times over – was collected, and I was asked to proceed to the exit. A wide smile crossed my face, but not until I had found my baggage tags, because I would not be let out of there without them. Surprisingly, no one was checking baggage tags! I quickly saw someone wearing a long black dress I recognized and as the person came towards me, I figured my ride was here. Thank goodness I didn’t have to wait for anything.

I hugged her, and she took two of my bags from me. We rode to the car, and native music began to play. Now this was something I loved – the native music! It was a long ride to our destination and when taxi drivers drove craaaazzzzzzzyyyyyyy, I remembered that this was nothing like where I was coming from – no stop signs to control traffic and no speed limits. Yup! We made our way into the city and to our destination. As I stepped into the house and turned on the switch, no power came on. There wasn’t any power. I sighed because I wished that there would be some at least to welcome me. Again, I was wrong. I began to take my luggage into the room that I had been shown, and then power returned! Yes!!! Excited, I quickly took my stuff to the room and fell on the big, bed. The air conditioners were put on, and I was offered something to eat by my host. First plate, then second, then third. I hadn’t this kind of good food in a while! We watched t.v and talked and laughed until it was time for bed. I took a very hot shower, changed my clothes and jumped under the covers. The cool air from the air conditioner beat my feet, and I slept more comfortably than I had since last august for about three hours until I woke up again. Why? There was no power, and I had to open to the windows to get some air. It wasn’t until I could not go back to sleep that I realized that I was jetlagged. Oh my good friend was back again. It wasn’t a bother, I picked up my laptop and played solitaire from 3 am until about 7 am before I was able to go back to sleep – sweet sleep.

Some of you have been itching to know where I was. This place I speak of. This Nigeria. This Home.

That's about my first day of home...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

GET THAT BOOTY? SURE?

If you follow me on twitter, you probably know that I'm taking summer class, and very simply, I describe it as my worst decision in college. However, I'm taking it with a totally awesome professor [Keith Martel] so that straightens some of the rods. Today in class, I laughed till I cried, and I am just about to tell you why.

    So Keith Martel, my professor is the director of the Center for Faith and Practice at my school, and therefore attends this conference called  'Jubilee' every February in Pittsburgh. It's a christian conference that brings about 2000 college students together for worship and fellowship for one weekend.
    Mr. Martel [yes, I refuse to call him Keith] was at one of these conferences, and there was a speaker which he described as a very beautiful woman. She wrote on everything from being a christian to renewal, restoration, community, and all that. Now she had aged, and as Mr. Martel [soon to be doctor btw.] guessed, she would've been in her 70's. I guess aging caught up with her and she was beginning to go blind as well.
    So this beautiful woman was scheduled to speak at this conference. The time approaches and as she sits before 2000 college students to speak, she's so motivating and inspiring that no one had the urge "to pick up thier phones and text." She goes on and on, and then she says, "as Christians, we need to go into the world, and get that booty." [revised quote]. And no I didnt make a mistake. She said 'booty'. According to Mr. Martel, everyone is sitting there on the verge of laughter but trying not to. Not knowing what was going on, she said it again. This time, everyone started dying with laughter cause no one could hold it in. This poor lady has no idea why people are laughing so hard, and then she says it... a third time.
   Apparently, 'booty' in her sentence meant treasure.So in other words, we as christians are supposed to go out and get that treasure. Now, this is the 21st century and I'm pretty sure 'booty' means only one thing to people of this century. I'm also sure, that people of this beautiful womans age know the word 'booty' to mean only one thing as well. The problem however, is that the meanings of these two different audiences do not correspond.
   Quite literally, when Mr. Martel told this story, me and some other people in the class laughed.  A LOT.
However, this is what got me dying with laughter. After Mr. Martel had explained how bad he felt for this lady because of her lack of knowledge of the definition of the term 'booty' to this present generation, one of my classmates said "Well, that can also be a treasure"! In other words, 'booty' as we know it, 'we' being you and me, can also be a treasure. Very very literally, I laughed so hard that I cried.
   So beautiful ladies, and handsome gentlemen, the very next time you are going to give a speech to even as little as 10 or 20 people, make proper use of your dictionary, or research your audience to know what kind of diction they use. You don't want to say get that booty, and mean treasure, when everybody youre talking to knows booty to mean, quite simply, booty.

That's umm, getting that booty.. oh wait. I mean treasure.. as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

...MAYBE BEFORE. BUT NOT ANYMORE.

      I'm standing staring out my window. What am I staring at? A storm. A legit storm - like branches are breaking off trees, trash cans are being carried with the wind, and I can literally see the water running across the surface of the sidewalks. yes. That kind of storm.
      Knowing me, I should be somewhere under my covers sipping on French vanilla cappuccino and watching a movie. But I'm standing here, looking at this storm, and I can't leave. Not because I don't want to, but because as I stare in the face of that storm, I see me. I see my life. I see you.
      I watch as those branches break off the trees and all I see is the perfect chemistry we once had breaking off and falling away. My eyes follow the trash cans being carried with the wind, but all I see is how far away you're drifting from me everyday. I look for the meaning in the water running across the surface of the sidewalks, but I don't need an angel to remind me of how many directions my emotions have been running in for the past few days, or even more accurately, weeks. I take just one step back to view the whole storm, and very plainly, I see you and me.
     I haven't always been the one to step out of a storm, but they say there's always a first time. For every time that I tried to be there for you, you were off attending to someone else. For every time that I tried to make you comfortable, you resided in your comfort and never cared about mine. For every time that I turned down an approach, you made out with someone that I may never get to know. For every time that I took the extra mile, you lifted the weight off your back, and put it on mine. For every time that I thought I could make things work, you never failed to remind me that it was only just a thought. If I had never been able to walk out of a storm before, you have just taught me to. Here it goes ...my first time.
     The only way I can actually see what's going on in a storm is to step out of it... to step out of this... to step out of me.. and you. I don't expect to stand in a storm and not get wet, and there's only so much water I can take before I drown. I want to be able to experience sunshine... real beauty... true happiness, and I can't do that in a storm.
     You've hurt me. So much that words alone cannot describe the sensations and feelings that have run through this heart and mind of mine. You've gotten me soaked so much in this storm that I didn't even realise it until I began to drown. Then again, maybe that is what I need to step out of it. Maybe that was the awakening I needed to recognize that I could have better. Maybe that was the battle I had to fight to still have some sense of emotion to accept someone else, because they say it is true that you don't know what you have until it's gone, but even more true, that you have no idea what you have been missing till it arrives.
    I'm out of this with you, and on a new search for what my heart deserves. And I don't regret the time I spent in that storm - with or without you, because it has only served to teach me my value, and my worth. I'm sorry it took me this long to figure out that "us" is not what you want, and most importantly, not what I want either. I'm sorry that my happiness doesn't lie in you. I'm sorry, but I can't be with you.
    I'm still standing at my window.. staring at the storm. Ordinarily, I would have gone out to pick the broken branches and hope they grow again, to put the trash cans right back where they belong, or to make the water move smoothly across the surface of the sidewalk.
                   ***Maybe before, but not anymore*** I just turned my back to the window. I'm walking towards the warmth of my bed, and a hot cup of French vanilla cappuccino. I'll be watching a movie... and waiting for the sun to shine.

That's heartbreak... as I do it.

[Shout Out to Philip Dakum for the inspiration. The love never dies homie.]

~***shanpepe***~

BIRD POOP... YES?

The title of this post is in no way figurative, metaphorical, or symbolic. It is in fact, very literal. Bird poop. Bird as in that warm blooded vertebrate of the Aves class that is covered in feathers and flies; and poop as in defecating.  We clear? Okay. Good. Now we can proceed.

I have had several encounters with bird poop. Be reminded again, that no part of this is figurative. It gets as literal as can be, and I know this might sound gross, but if you've had two encounters of a bird pooping on you, one encounter of a bird pooping on your food, and one last encounter of a bird pooping right in front of you and you narrowly missing being pooped on for the third time, then you'll agree that this just might not be a coincidence. And just in case you're wondering, yes. I have had two encounters of a bird pooping on me, one encounter of a bird pooping on my food, and one encounter, just yesterday actually, of a bird pooping right in front of me and me narrowly missing it.
     Picture this. I am in a huge compound playing with my older sister and our friends. It's a warm sunny day outside and we're like all less than 12 so we're running all around and having fun. All of a sudden I feel this thing drop on my hand, and it was warm. I turn to look and its a thick liquid coloured white and dark green. My jaw dropped and I called my sister just so I could hear her say that it was a funny coloured rain drop and not confirm that it was bird poop. Rather unfortunately, she said "eeewwwww, thats bird poop." Of all places in the huge compound, of all the children's arms, of all the ground space and trees and roofs, the bird poop fell ON MY HAND. 1st time.
    As an elementary school kid, I loved to eat my lunch at the picnic table near the teather ball because we all tried to become teather ball champs.. [oh, the memories.] This one beautiful day, I bought some fries and puff puff, and went to eat at the picnic table while we watched and played teather ball. I looked away for one second, and when I looked back, right next to my puff puff was this thick coloured white and black liquid. I didn't need an angel to tell me it was bird poop. Everyone around me started screaming ewwwww and packing up their own food. Of all the places under the blue sky, other plates of food, of all the other ground space, trees, roofs, the bird poop fell ON MY PLATE OF OF FOOD. 2nd time
   Puerto Rico was very fun. Amazing to say the least. As we finished shopping that relatively cloudy day, we decided we were hungry and should get food. So we did. That was my first time ever having Church's chicken, and we all decided to sit outside. Under this tree was a little roundabout thing that we decided to sit on. On approaching it, I realised that it had bird poop all over it, but there was nowhere else to sit. I emptied one of my bags, and placed it on the surface of that thing so I could sit and other people did the same. After eating, I was just relaxing, and all of a sudden heard this tiny thud on my shoulder. Okayyyy what could that be? I turned to look, and there it was. The thick white, black, and green liquid. Of all the earth space, the trees, the number of shoulders, the roofs and the everything, the bird poop fell ON MY SHOULDER. 3rd time.
   I would say never take summer class. It's boring and dum. And as I have to wake up at 8 every morning, it's definitely not my favourite thing. As I hurried to class yesterday hoping to make it in time, I checked my watch, and I had 6 minutes. Okay, I was almost there so I could take a breather and slow down just a tad bit.  As soon as that happened, I took a step and right in front of my foot, there it dropped. Freshhhh wet all white liquid. Of all places under the blue sky, of all trees and roofs, and sidewalks, the bird poop fell RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FOOT. 4th time.
   So there you go. 4 freaking experiences with bird poop. It made me think for real. 4?! Do I look appealing to be pooped on? With all these questions running through my mind [and this is a serious issue, do not laugh], I visited the all knowing - google. What, dear google, is the significance of being pooped on by a bird?
   Google told me that some people say its good luck. Others agree, but say you have to eat it first. #pause. WHAT?! No comments. On to the next. Google said that other people say its totally bad luck. So I was at a loss here. What do I believe? I need to get to the bottom of this. So I asked google, what is it with bird poop and luck?
    Google said according to someone, it is good luck because not only does it happen by random chance, but it is so disgusting that there has to be something good about it. Everybody that had an explanation for bird poop and luck on google said it was good luck. This leaves me even more at a loss. Whyyy then hasn't good luck been my friend!?
    As is pretty obvious, I still haven't gotten to the bottom of this, but I want to believe that no one gets pooped on 4 times by a bird and calls it a coincidence. This BETTER be some sort of good luck thats taking a while to manifest, because it needs to be done already. I do not appreciate being pooped on by birds. At all.

That's being pooped on by birds... as i do it.

WHY I LIKE LANRE DABIRI AKA ELDEE?

...Simply because he hasn't given me or you a reason not to; except of course you're one of those people that get's mad at another man's success. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying he is perfect. We are all far from perfect, but understand that "sometimes, our only perfection is the fact that we are imperfect." [That's my quote by the way. :-)] So, what I am saying is, he's perfect in his imperfection; a model man I'd like to think and believe. I'm not going to ask you to change your opinion about eLDee, but I will back up my words. Sooooo, let's get it started.

           First of all, He is a muslim man, and he's not afraid to hide that, even in a world that sometimes frowns upon people with strong moral or religious views. How do I know? Just don't ask too many questions. Maybe try following him on twitter, @eLDeethedon , or join his facebook page, eLDee. And in case you're wondering, no, I've never met him face to face.
           Secondly, ya'll know this girl is all about the looks. [If you didn't know that, read my previous post.] I remember the first time I saw Eldee's picture a couple of years ago. I was like Hoooollyyyy Shiiiiit. Whhyyyy am I just knowing this is what he looks like?! To say the least, the bratha is on poinT. Yeah, he's naturally good looking, but I respect a man that makes an effort to always look presentable. Eldee is that man. He always has the neatest haircuts [proof] and the best tailored suits [proof]. You know how I feel about shoes and wrist watches? [refer to previous post] He prolly hits home on that too.I watched him on U-stream once, and minus laughing my way through it cause of how funny he was, he made an impression of 100% on the looks. Give it to him please. The man always looks amazing.

 If you have any cause to disagree with me, abeg find a transformer, be my guest, and hug it.
         Thirdly, he's an entrepreneur. A young and very successful man with a large heart. [yes, I said young. Don't hate.] For those of you who really don't know, Trybe Records? Yes, that's his. Plus you see, this is a young man making efforts to improve the quality of life of some people without raising the cost, and he does it through music, since that is what he does best. Recently, Trybe Records in the effort to showcase some of the  best unsigned artists in Nigeria, put out this thing they called Top Talent, where people could send in songs and have the public vote on who the 'top talent' was. The winner is getting to work with him on his album, and gets a record deal from Trybe Records. He has crossed the finish line and has turned back to help people run the race.
           Furthermore, he's a family man, married since 2008 and with a beautiful daughter. He's all about his family, and is still able to work and keep his fans on board. That's a lot of work. I mean, I'm one of those eLDee fans that has managed to get a little piece of every cake. He follows me on twitter [and replies almost all my tweets], and is my facebook friend. I remember once when a fan tweeted something about him being  sweeeeet, and he said "Thanx, but please use the word sweet sparingly." That made me crack up. Dont even ask why, but I'm going to have to agree with that fan. He is a very sweet man. Very open about his family, and very evidently loves them very much, but he's also there for fans, talking to them and appreciating them.
           In addition, eLDee is passionate about what he does. He loves music. He's not one of those people that is into music for the money and the fame. I say that because he could have done anything else with his life. Become an engineer, go to medical school, be in a court room everyday, drill oil, andd... what else brings good money? Name it. He could have done anything else, or chosen to draw houses. He's a qualified architect. He was a smart cookie and made the A's since high school. [proof]. So see, he's into music because that's what he loves. He's not in it to be better than anyone else in the game. He's not in it to to bring other people down. He's not in it to get involved in useless and childish politics in the music world - Big boy status. #score. He's in it for you, and me - people who love good music.
          If you asked me to name as many of his songs as I could, I probably couldn't even name 5, (hyperbole...lol) because maybe I don't even know most of his songs. If you want to question my being a huge fan, twist your tongue and swallow your words. I'm a huge fan of more than just his music. Yes he's a good musician, but he is also an entirely good man. I'm a fan of the entirely good man.
          So yeah, if you're a hater getting mad at people's success, eLDee will frustrate you very much, and kindly permit me to say that's a good thing. However, if you admire positively driven people that seek holistic transformation for the betterment of not only themselves but for other people around them and the society at large, then you'll admire eLDee. I'm pretty sure you know already which one of the two categories I fall in. One of my twitter followers said "You dont have to love eLDee, but you must respect him." #truthhhhh.

         I know I must've wet some people's curiosity. lol.. Here's his Official Website. Plus, Vote for him as the twitter personality of the month for April. I'd LOVE to see him win. :-)

       Very simply put, Lanre Dabiri Rocks. My. World. <3

P.S. One thing that you should know - One of his big pet peeves is people calling him Oladele. That's not his name. His name is Lanre, which is a dimunitive of Olanrewaju, and Dabiri is his surname.

Well, that's about liking Lanre Dabiri...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

LOOKS ARE DECEIVING? TAH! I WANT THEM ANYWAY :-)

You're amazingly cute. Hot. Sexy. You look like my NEXT boyfriend.

That was my facebook status. or wait. IS my facebook status as I write this post. The reason why I'm writing about my facebook status? Because as always, there has to be one person who tells you to look on the inside cause looks could be deceiving.
Now for starters, take life as a joke sometimes...its kinda fun.
     Ok. onto more serious talk. I understand that you should look on the inside because that is what matters most. My dad always told me that to find the right man, you have to KNOW what you're looking for. He always encouraged me to write it down, and keep track of it too, so if I thought there was one more quality I needed or wanted, I could add it to the list without forgetting stuff. I obeyed, and trust me it works. So, I think a great point to start will be that I already know, and an well aware of what I want in a man.
     Now you may be skeptical about the things I have on my list. Besides, that status is all physical right? Ok. Listen. I have A LOT of things on my list. Agreed----> some of them are really physical and superficial - You gotta look amazing in a three piece suit. You have to have neat haircuts and clean, cut fingernails. You have to wear nice wristwatches and shoes.  I do have a lot of superficial and touching-the-surface stuff. But you know what? I am okay with admitting that, and I am not changing any of it. That's who I am, and that's what I want.
         I'm not going to introduce a man to my parents and have to explain the reason why he's wearing a shirt that looks like its been chewed by a cow. I'm not going to walk into a dinner hall with a man who's hands look like he just shoveled dirt off his sidewalk. He's going to be shaking people and trust me, they'll notice the black underneath his fingernails. I'm not going to deal with going to see him at work and having half his shirt out of his belted pants, or his suit a tad too big. Quite simply put, a man is reflected by the shoes and wristwatches he wears -  you got it, or you don't. I'm not going to deal with my people wondering if my man can't afford a comb because of his messy hair. I am not going to have to make excuses every time my friends want to meet my man because I don't think he's hot or sexy. I'm not trying to have a man that is the most attractive thing on the inside, but the least bit attractive thing on the outside. I'm NOT dealing with any of these.. and without an apology too.
       I want to be able to take him home and my parents have a dropped jaw and say I did a good job. I want to stare at him from across the room and get a crush on him all over again because of how adorable he is. I want to be able to proudly hold his hand and introduce him to ANYONE as my man. Simply put, I want him to look like a MAN, not a BOY.
      So, go ahead. Judge me all you want. Say I'm dum and naiive. Just remember, it doesn't hurt anyone that I want a well rounded man. I never said I don't want anything on the inside. As much as my "superficial and physical" list may seem really long, my "inside list" is even longer. Besides, there really is nothing anyone can do about it. I have my standards, and by the grace of God, I'll meet them. I tell him everyday what I want, and what I don't  want. He's giving me the man, so He's who matters.
     Let's just say that I am a girl who knows what she wants [thanks to my dad], and will not settle, because there is one man that has EVERYTHING that I want. " I just haven't met [him] yet." My dad has modeled the ideal physical man. I would not want anything less. Plus, if you're okay with having a man that is not physically attractive but has a wonderful personality and all that, go for it. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying that I want one that is attractive both on the inside, and on the outside. and, I WILL make that known. :-)

That's about wanting the looks too... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

...AND WHILE I WAS SOMEWHERE SMILING, A YOUNG MAN WAS DYING.

As I rejoiced some months ago at the approaching weekend, a young man was making his way out.. from here.. to somewhere that only God knows.

As I spoke to my family almost every other day, or week after that, a family somewhere wondered hard at the disappearance of their young man, and wished on a star just to hear his voice.

As I sat around the last couple of days with perfect knowledge about where my family was even across oceans, a family lived with the uncertainty about where their young man could be, only a couple of miles away.

As we as a school and community prayed fervently for his safe return, God was right beside us... saying NO.

Between looking forward to that weekend in January, and 7 30 a.m this morning in May, I was probably somewhere smiling, while this young man was dying.

As I basked in the glory of the feeling of being able to become and be called a seniour, the body of this young freshman boy was being pulled out the Beaver River.

As I sit on this bed and look forward to going home to see my family, a family sits somewhere and mourns because their young man will never return.

As I sit here and long to call my mom just to say how much I love her, a mother sits somewhere with swollen eyes, cause she never again, will get to hear her son speak.

...and as I sit here and wonder why God would let somethings happen, I get only one answer... "Because I am He."

We can scream and yell, and cry and wail, because after this long, hard period of uncertainty, the battle seems a loss. From a bright sunny day...to raindrops...to thunderstorms...to a setting sun...and now, total darkness.

...and through that piercing darkness, God lights the torch, places in it our hands, and says "I know it hurts. I love you." No explanations. No reasons. No meaning. Nothing.

We can ask why and seek answers, because after keeping the faith, he seems to have walked out on us. From being right beside us, holding our hands, and saying it will be okay... to loneliness, sadness, and excruciating pain.

...and through this pain that eats at the hems that hold our hearts together, God gives us a needle and says "I know you grieve. I am comforter; and though you feel alone, I never leave you...or forsake you." No explanations. No reasons. No meaning. Nothing.

Because no matter how hard we try to understand, we are incapable of it. And all God says is "Take my hand. I'll walk with you... through the darkness and the pain."

Rest In Peace Devon Minor.


~***shanpepe***~

For detailed news, click here.
**Photo credit here.

REALITY... SOMETIMES, I REALLY HATE IT.

Close your eyes...

                        ... remain in the solace of the moment - the clock is ticking, the window is cracked open so there's cold air blowing in soothing the sweat on your skin in the room steamy with damp ventilation. you hear the leaves rustle through the teeth of the passing breeze, and you tilt your head back a tad bit so it soothes your neck like cold in summer. there's guitar music playing very faintly in the background. It begins to rain slightly, and the drops of water beat your window slowly creating mist, making it impossible for you to see through. the little drops make their way through the crack in the window, leaving water on your window pane that glistens like precious stone from the light shining through the window. It's been that perfect moment.. until...

                        ...something kicks your foot.

Open your eyes...

Reality is a bitch. Take it. or leave it. 

       Can I just say that I honestly hate how reality hits you hard in the face? Well, I don't care and I'm going to say it anyway. I hate it - not because I want to live a fantasy, but because sometimes you're in a fantasy you want to finish living before you return to reality. You KNOW its there, but you choose a fantasy to get a break from the world. Reality disturbs that. Sometimes, it lets you enjoy things in the moment ONLY, and right after that, its comes back to stare you in the face. 

       Why is it so hard dealing with the fact that you cannot get what you want all the time? You love someone who doesn't love you back. You have to deal with that reality. You work your ass off but you can't get all the A's. Deal with that reality. You want to be perfect and do things right all the time, but you're imperfect as oil water. Deal with that. You want to be the perfect Christian but you've sinned your whole freaking life. Deal with that. And now the one that keeps playing chords that are not fit for the tune of my heart - You ALWAYS lose those you love... and reality, being the bitch that it is, just says what is always says - Deal with it. You know what? S-c-r-e-w that. 

      Can I for once live in the fantasy of not losing someone I love? to death? to distance? to circumstance? to flimsy stuff? Cause that is me reality just kicked in the foot. It's been kicking me in the foot since I was born. That is me that reality keeps telling to deal with the fact that I may not be loved back by someone I love; that I can only get some A's; that I can't be perfect; that I am a sinner; that I WILL lose people that I love... and finally, that I have to deal with everything... ALL of it. I don't even have a choice. Wow. Thanks.

      I know people play the tape about life giving you what you want, and you making the best out of it. I know that. I know that it doesn't matter what happens to me, but what I make out of what happens to me. I KNOW THAT TOO. But honestly, there are some times when you don't want to hear that. You feel me? There are times when all you want to do is whisper in God's ear "I think I need a change of reality right now." There are times when your heart can only take so much, and then breaks down. There are times when you try to put life together, and reality takes away many, many, many, many, pieces. It just leaves you a mess. Those times.. that I'm living in right now.

     God refines me in those times. When i whisper in his ear that i need a change of reality, he just tells me that It's the most beautiful one already. When my heart can only take so much, he holds it in his hands, and mends all the wear and tear. When reality takes away many, many, many, puzzle pieces of my life, he replaces them with strength, forte, and power. 

     Before that however, he lets me walk through that fire. it burns, and it hurts. it scorches. it stings. It leaves me in helpless pain. It's one step at a time... one phase at a time. Then again, it starts alll overrr. only because reality never stops, and more unfortunately, it never ends. 

that's reality.. as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

...THIS LOVE THING.

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”


......and i would rather regret more what I didn't say, cause they talk about how much it hurts sitting beside you and keeping it inside how much I want you to be mine, knowing that i may never mean anything to you. They forget about how much it'll hurt to tell you I love you, and not get it back in return.
                             "am I crazy or falling in love, or is this really just another crush".
Maybe it's just a thing of the moment. Maybe i don't really feel the way i do. Maybe I'll be satisfied by just being in your life. Maybe I'll be fine just knowing that you noticed me for one day; that i walked by you, and you thought I was pretty; that you turned around and saw me and had to take a second look. Maybe I'll be satisfied if you only just knew my name. 
                              "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. 
Maybe I really feel the way I do. Maybe I'm just in denial trying to convince myself that I don't feel this when I do, or that I don't want you when I do. It could be that I am just trying to find an excuse not to tell you how i feel. It could also be that I'm trying to change things cause of my own insecurities. Is it safe to say that I am not sure how or what it is that i feel?
                             "Last night i tried but i couldn't sleep. Thoughts of you were in my head".
I guess at a certain point i try not to love you cause of the fear of not being loved in return, but you know, my heart does what it wants to do, and that i can't control. I just can't come to telling you how i feel - whether i truly feel it or not. I don't know how to recover from being turned down if that happens. My fragile heart, my self worth, my esteem, my confidence, my everything.
                             "If this is't love, tell me what it is, cause i could be dreaming or just plain crazy".
yeah. pretty much. everything is giving me signals that i could really love you, but then again, i may just be crazy.. maybe about you. i could just be obsessed with you. or, i could just want you to be crazy about me, or obsessed with me. 
                             "I try to go on like i never knew you".
And that's the truth. Because I walk right by you, and i say hi like the next person behind me probably would. I stare at you like every other girl with a good taste in a man would. You'll never have the slightest idea that all this shit goes through my head. You'll prolly never figure it out too. 
          Bottom line is, I have all these feelings..bottled up in this fragile heart of mine. and for as long as I am sane, which looks like forever, that's where they will remain. Cause I won't, not for one minute, take the risk of letting you know how I feel.. Only because of the fear that you will not love me in return. 

...somehow, its hard for me dealing with this love thing. 




that's how many girls feel right now... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~