So I got outta class and was waiting to catch the bus, and a thought crossed my mind, so I decided to write it down in my phone. 10 minutes later, this was the product.
Let this be my testimony,
that your heart found mine,
Let me love you eternally,
Eight times out of nine.
Let me hold your hand
And be proud that I got you,
Let's build a castle in the sand,
Where our fantasies go to.
Let's make a wish on a star,
That I can hold dear and trust,
So whenever you are far,
Counting on it becomes a must.
Let's make this one exchange
Take my heart and I'll take yours,
Forever will be our range,
All our beauty, all our flaws.
Don't know how much sense it makes. I wrote it in 10 minutes. Just thought I'd share.
That's just a poem... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
JUST TO HEAR YOU SAY...
Where are you?
I call... but no answer.
I search.. but no find.
I'm here. All alone. Broken.
I'm here. All alone. Broken.
To expect otherwise would
be foolish of me.
to think that you'd be
here... with me.. right now? No way.
I hurt you. I disappointed
you. I wronged you.
I knew that I would face
you.
What I didn't know was how
hard it would be.
....and I'm still here. All
alone. Broken.
You promised to always love
me,
but right now, its the
hardest thing I'm going to have to accept.
you said you won't give me
more than I can handle,
and at this moment I'm wishing
you didn't trust me so much.
Our relationship... that's
blown.
Our love... that's been
thrown.
And all I see of me through
you right now... it's all unknown.
...and I'm still here. All
alone. Broken.
They stare at me and judge
me.
they haven't been where
I've been.
But when I reach for you to
come and save me,
The emptiness I feel from
your absence is the void my fingers find.
I feel unworthy of your
grace, undeserving of your beauty,
Your mercy is not for me,
and your embrace could never be.
...and I'm still here. All
alone. Broken.
Then at your feet you bring me... you desire a drink from my well.
How could you? Why should
you? Why DO you?
It's impure... it's
dirty... it's full of my failures and mistakes
It's all the things I wanna
keep buried,
your image on which I've
drawn a permanent stain.
So I step back... holding
tight to my bucket,
And under my breath I
remind myself: my well is not fit to quench your thirst.
...and I'm still here. Not
alone. But Broken.
Now you tell me it's not
about your thirst but about mine.
I'm hungry for forgiveness,
for peace and living water
but I'm not letting go of
this bucket that can take out the misery and pain.
You tell me you want my
burden, you tell me you want my hurt
You tell me you've seen my
desperation,
and remind me that I'm not
dirt.
Your attempts to get me to
let go of what I cling to
are convincing when you say
that's the only way to get what I seek.
...and I'm still here. Not
Alone. Still Broken.
Broken because you
shouldn't love me... but you do.
Amazed because I don't
deserve another chance, but you give it anyway.
Confused because I couldn't
be a greater disappointment...
But that's when you look in
my eyes, and say your grace is sufficient.
I'm defeated in my being...
struggling deep down within,
But you hold me and tell me
that I could be nothing, but your child.
...and I'm still here. Not
alone. And whole.
So let me run and get the
others!
That have wells just like I
do,
That hold tight to their
buckets, and bury the shame they've been.
Let them feel where you've
touched me, and see what you've shown me.
Let them have what you've
given me...
....Let them become what
you've made me!!
Cause we all need this; to
be at your feet, and receive forgiveness and peace.
To hold your hand, and feel
your heart.
To just hear you
say...
"You'll always be
here. Never Alone.
And because I'm here,
You'll always be whole."
I wrote this for those of you who've done things that you feel like God can't forgive you for. "Jesus doesn't care what you've done before..." Just remember, you have to be willing to give it all up, and forgive yourself too. :-)
That is just to hear you say... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Thursday, October 4, 2012
HEARTFELT...
I'm a happy young girl... but sometimes, I breakdown.
Some people have actually told me I have a perfect life. Glad they noticed. (A little sarcasm in there) Truthfully though, I had a wonderful childhood, went to great schools, graduated college with a first class degree, have amazing parents who will do almost anything for me... and above all, I have Jesus. Jesus makes ALL things beautiful.
I've moved steadily through the stages of my life without qualms. As is the tradition, before every stage, I ask God for guidance, and he sees me through, no matter how incredibly hard they get. However, this stage I'm in at the moment, has to be the hardest I've been through so far.
Four and a half years ago when I made the decision to school outside the country, I knew it would be tough. I knew I'd face a lot of things that I'd have to deal with. If you're an international student, you get my drift. If you've heard me talk about my experience, you'd understand this too. A couple of months ago when I made the decision to go to graduate school where I didn't know anyone, and where I had never been before, I knew it would be tough... but I didn't know it would be this tough. Yes, it's harder than undergrad - expected; yes, its a new environment and takes some getting used to - expected; and yes, I've never been so alone in my entire life. Now this? NOT expected.
On the 11th of August, I left the bosom of my father's house and the company of some of my best friends for graduate school. Since that day, my only company has been the internet. Believe it or yes. I go to school alright, but I'm alone most of the time. I ride the bus alone, go to class and sit alone, come home alone. I go shopping alone, to restaurants alone, to church alone. The only time I meet up with people is when I have a group project. I spend my weekends cuddled up in my bed reading tweets about how much fun people are having with friends and family. I spend my evenings and nights doing homework, and readings for class. I dont remember the last time I got a hug, or had someone ask if I wanted to have lunch. This has been my life for the last 8 weeks. And for the first time today,
Do you ever realize how important being around people who actually care about you is? Imagine your life like mine for just one week. Bet you're going, "no way. that's impossible." Yeah, don't envy me. It's not fun. And remember, I can't just drive home for the weekend and forget about college life for a bit. Nope! So there, If I have ever understood the value of "people", it would be right now.
Don't ever wait to be all alone to understand the value that family and friends add to your life. Trust me, that company is something nothing else in the world can replace. Not the internet. Not movies. Not food. Not shopping. Not getting your hair or nails done. Not smoking a pot of shisha or taking a shot. Simply, nothing. So today, tell someone how much their company means to you. Appreciate someone for asking you to lunch, or just saying hi and putting a smile on your face. The next time you find yourself in the company of someone you who truly gives a shit about you, be sure to let them know how much you appreciate them.
You can go an eternity without breaking, but one day will surely come, when you will feel alone. Don't let it happen.
So here's a little one to all the people who actually give a shit about me. :-)
That's about my heartfelt... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo Credit Photo credit Photo Credit Photo Credit
Some people have actually told me I have a perfect life. Glad they noticed. (A little sarcasm in there) Truthfully though, I had a wonderful childhood, went to great schools, graduated college with a first class degree, have amazing parents who will do almost anything for me... and above all, I have Jesus. Jesus makes ALL things beautiful.
I've moved steadily through the stages of my life without qualms. As is the tradition, before every stage, I ask God for guidance, and he sees me through, no matter how incredibly hard they get. However, this stage I'm in at the moment, has to be the hardest I've been through so far.
Four and a half years ago when I made the decision to school outside the country, I knew it would be tough. I knew I'd face a lot of things that I'd have to deal with. If you're an international student, you get my drift. If you've heard me talk about my experience, you'd understand this too. A couple of months ago when I made the decision to go to graduate school where I didn't know anyone, and where I had never been before, I knew it would be tough... but I didn't know it would be this tough. Yes, it's harder than undergrad - expected; yes, its a new environment and takes some getting used to - expected; and yes, I've never been so alone in my entire life. Now this? NOT expected.
On the 11th of August, I left the bosom of my father's house and the company of some of my best friends for graduate school. Since that day, my only company has been the internet. Believe it or yes. I go to school alright, but I'm alone most of the time. I ride the bus alone, go to class and sit alone, come home alone. I go shopping alone, to restaurants alone, to church alone. The only time I meet up with people is when I have a group project. I spend my weekends cuddled up in my bed reading tweets about how much fun people are having with friends and family. I spend my evenings and nights doing homework, and readings for class. I dont remember the last time I got a hug, or had someone ask if I wanted to have lunch. This has been my life for the last 8 weeks. And for the first time today,
Don't ever wait to be all alone to understand the value that family and friends add to your life. Trust me, that company is something nothing else in the world can replace. Not the internet. Not movies. Not food. Not shopping. Not getting your hair or nails done. Not smoking a pot of shisha or taking a shot. Simply, nothing. So today, tell someone how much their company means to you. Appreciate someone for asking you to lunch, or just saying hi and putting a smile on your face. The next time you find yourself in the company of someone you who truly gives a shit about you, be sure to let them know how much you appreciate them.
You can go an eternity without breaking, but one day will surely come, when you will feel alone. Don't let it happen.
So here's a little one to all the people who actually give a shit about me. :-)
That's about my heartfelt... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo Credit Photo credit Photo Credit Photo Credit
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Wha wha wha wha wha wha WHAT?!
This is a friends facebook status:
"LADIES: (Hypothetical situation) Say your man proposes to you, but the ring does not meet your expectation. What do you do? 1) Accept it because you love him, 2. Say no because you don't like the ring or 3. Compromise and change it later."
Majority of the ladies who answered leaned more towards 1 - Accept it because you love him. I leaned more towards 3 - Compromise and change it later. and my own later was like "real soon". If you're one of those that would pick number one, you're prolly repeating the title of this post in your head. Or out loud. Yeahhhh, I sound materialistic, and shallow. I don't really care. *shrug* If you want to stop reading now, feel free. If you with me till the end, leggo! (in my Trey Songz voice)
So, the reason many people gave #1 as an answer is because if he loves you, or if both of you are in love, a ring shouldnt really determine that. What matters is the intent behind the ring giving in the first place, and the fact that its "true love". "Love" was the word that just kept coming up. I understand all that, but I would agree only to a certain extent. First of all, if you don't like your engagement ring, or connect with it, PEOPLE WILL KNOW. Believe it or yes. I have seen people who get engaged, and NO ONE ever sees the ring. Why? They are engaged, and that's a happy thing, and people should celebrate with them. The ring though? They just don't completely like it. I have seen other people who have gotten engaged and when people ask them to see the ring, they act like you're trying to kiss them. aka. very awkward. And maybe they give you the "who does that" look. As in, "don't ask to see my ring. Please and thank you". I have experienced these two situations first hand, and you know what? I don't plan on being like any of those people.
So, this is where compromising and changing comes in. You love the person, the person loves you, and that whole "love"shpill. That's why you compromise and take the ring. Now why I would get it changed? This is why. For me, a ring is much more than just the formalities of a proposal to be a bride and a wife. Its more than something to wear to let others know you married. It's more than something you show to people when they want to see proof that you're engaged. You see how beautiful that love is that you both share? Well this ring signifies that. This ring is a symbol of that beautiful love. I want to be able to connect with my ring. I want to be able to look at it and smile because my I can connect the feelings I have for my partner with it. I don't ever want to look at my engagement ring and think "only because he loves me". I want to look at it and be able to say "Nothing could be more beautiful or perfect." When people ask me if I love my ring, I don't want to have to lie. I want to be able to be sad when I forget to put it on because I love it so much, and not feel okay because besides, its not really my taste. I'm not in the habit of settling for things that I don't want or like. A man on one knee and an engagement ring are not going to change that.
I know this guy that let his girlfriend build her engagement ring. At first I was like ahhh, that takes out the excitement, but think about how MUCH she'll love and connect with it, and how each thing she adds to it will mean something significant in their relationship. I also know people who have changed their wedding rings for one reason or another and kept the original one still because they connect with it, and feel something extra cause they have it. So there. If you notice as well, I said nothing about monetary value. Im sticking with how much you like and connect with it. If you like and connect with a ring worth $100 , then that's perfect for you. If you don't like or really connect with a ring that's a million bucks, well.. you know my opinion already. But then again, everyone has an opinion, and if after this youre still going wha wha wha wha WHAT?! then I think I know yours.
One last thing. Somewhere deep down, I have a feeling that even though people say #1, they'll still wanna change it if this actually happens to them. That automatically makes your choice number 3. #jussayin.
That's that... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
"LADIES: (Hypothetical situation) Say your man proposes to you, but the ring does not meet your expectation. What do you do? 1) Accept it because you love him, 2. Say no because you don't like the ring or 3. Compromise and change it later."
Majority of the ladies who answered leaned more towards 1 - Accept it because you love him. I leaned more towards 3 - Compromise and change it later. and my own later was like "real soon". If you're one of those that would pick number one, you're prolly repeating the title of this post in your head. Or out loud. Yeahhhh, I sound materialistic, and shallow. I don't really care. *shrug* If you want to stop reading now, feel free. If you with me till the end, leggo! (in my Trey Songz voice)
So, the reason many people gave #1 as an answer is because if he loves you, or if both of you are in love, a ring shouldnt really determine that. What matters is the intent behind the ring giving in the first place, and the fact that its "true love". "Love" was the word that just kept coming up. I understand all that, but I would agree only to a certain extent. First of all, if you don't like your engagement ring, or connect with it, PEOPLE WILL KNOW. Believe it or yes. I have seen people who get engaged, and NO ONE ever sees the ring. Why? They are engaged, and that's a happy thing, and people should celebrate with them. The ring though? They just don't completely like it. I have seen other people who have gotten engaged and when people ask them to see the ring, they act like you're trying to kiss them. aka. very awkward. And maybe they give you the "who does that" look. As in, "don't ask to see my ring. Please and thank you". I have experienced these two situations first hand, and you know what? I don't plan on being like any of those people.
So, this is where compromising and changing comes in. You love the person, the person loves you, and that whole "love"shpill. That's why you compromise and take the ring. Now why I would get it changed? This is why. For me, a ring is much more than just the formalities of a proposal to be a bride and a wife. Its more than something to wear to let others know you married. It's more than something you show to people when they want to see proof that you're engaged. You see how beautiful that love is that you both share? Well this ring signifies that. This ring is a symbol of that beautiful love. I want to be able to connect with my ring. I want to be able to look at it and smile because my I can connect the feelings I have for my partner with it. I don't ever want to look at my engagement ring and think "only because he loves me". I want to look at it and be able to say "Nothing could be more beautiful or perfect." When people ask me if I love my ring, I don't want to have to lie. I want to be able to be sad when I forget to put it on because I love it so much, and not feel okay because besides, its not really my taste. I'm not in the habit of settling for things that I don't want or like. A man on one knee and an engagement ring are not going to change that.
I know this guy that let his girlfriend build her engagement ring. At first I was like ahhh, that takes out the excitement, but think about how MUCH she'll love and connect with it, and how each thing she adds to it will mean something significant in their relationship. I also know people who have changed their wedding rings for one reason or another and kept the original one still because they connect with it, and feel something extra cause they have it. So there. If you notice as well, I said nothing about monetary value. Im sticking with how much you like and connect with it. If you like and connect with a ring worth $100 , then that's perfect for you. If you don't like or really connect with a ring that's a million bucks, well.. you know my opinion already. But then again, everyone has an opinion, and if after this youre still going wha wha wha wha WHAT?! then I think I know yours.
One last thing. Somewhere deep down, I have a feeling that even though people say #1, they'll still wanna change it if this actually happens to them. That automatically makes your choice number 3. #jussayin.
That's that... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Thursday, August 16, 2012
SOCIETY, OR YOU?
I have a question.
Scenario: I went out and came back home. The following conversation ensues with the parents.
"good evening mom!"
"Hey, welcome back. How are ya?"
"Very well thank you!"
"good evening daddy!"
"sebaba! Welcome back! where did you go?"
"To see Derek." ***Not his real name.
One of the parents: "Shouldn't he be the one coming to see you?"
Fast forward to another scenario.
I was at a gallery show earlier this year, and the audience was critiquing a painting called "Orgao", greek word for "Orgasm". Lovely painting, very elaborate, intriguing and thought provoking. The only colours were white - which was the background, black and red. This one guy raised his hand and said "I don't like that the colours are black and red. Those colours are used to depict evil things.
Ok. Done with scenarios now.
It's a mans world. Guys ask girls out. The man is the bread winner and the woman is domestic. Fuck, shit, damn, are all swear words. Christianity is the right religion. No wait. Its actually Islam. Or hold up. Make it Buddhism. If you invite me out, you pay the bill. Or better still, let's split it. Men are presidents, women are anything but that. Its okay for girls to say "I love you" to each other, but guys better not be gay with that shit. Guys shouldn't cry. That's not very manly. Its rap music or hard rock. If you listen to RnB or soul music, you're some sort of sissy. You're still a virgin? at 23? Awwwww, poor thing!
Who says though? Society, or you? - That is my question.
We are born into a very demanding world; one that comes with its own principles. Everyone should know that. However, I think one part we constantly fail to remember is that as much as this world has its own principles, we are born with choices. Our own, personal choices. Society has definitely informed our various cultures and lifestyles, and that's okay, but is it okay to let it inform every aspect of our lives? I'm not trying to make you agree with me. I'm just trying to make you think.
Half of the time people do stuff, its because of the people around them, or because that's the norm. Everyone has a sense of independence and discernment, and there is nothing wrong with exercising that. Society makes it look like you go with it, or you suck. Is this true? Absolutely, but only for those who believe it. You are allowed to inform who you are. You CAN inform who you are. But the only way to do it is to separate your principles and values from that of the society. If your beliefs line up with the society's, great! But if the society informs your idea of wrong and right, what to do and what not to do, then take a moment to evaluate things.
I don't think I should wait for someone to come and see me cause he's male. If we are great friends, what really does gender matter? If red and black are in a painting, why does it have to be evil? Why can't it just be the artists choice of colour? Look at it this way. If everyone started living by themselves apart from society, do you realise that you wont have to care what someone thinks about your actions? Cause basically, no one would give a shit. (If you somewhere in your head, thought I just swore, you're the kind of person I'm addressing). People wont be as judgmental as they are now, and you wont be afraid to look less than someone else. This independence and individuality when it comes to principles and values will greatly weaken the holds of peer pressure, and the need to fit in.
Easier said than done, I know. But its easier done than thought when you actually start from somewhere. They say diamonds are a girls best friend. I say it could be tanzanite or pearls. They say its polite to hold the door for a woman. I say if you get to the door first, hold it. They say men ask girls out. I say if you want it, go get it. They say a respectful man doesn't hit a girl. I say any respectful person keeps their hands to themselves.
I could go on and on, and honestly, you don't have to agree with what "I say". What I'm saying in essence is this. Society dictates nothing to me. I make my own rules. Think about it.
That's all about society, or you...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Scenario: I went out and came back home. The following conversation ensues with the parents.
"good evening mom!"
"Hey, welcome back. How are ya?"
"Very well thank you!"
"good evening daddy!"
"sebaba! Welcome back! where did you go?"
"To see Derek." ***Not his real name.
One of the parents: "Shouldn't he be the one coming to see you?"
Fast forward to another scenario.
I was at a gallery show earlier this year, and the audience was critiquing a painting called "Orgao", greek word for "Orgasm". Lovely painting, very elaborate, intriguing and thought provoking. The only colours were white - which was the background, black and red. This one guy raised his hand and said "I don't like that the colours are black and red. Those colours are used to depict evil things.
Ok. Done with scenarios now.
It's a mans world. Guys ask girls out. The man is the bread winner and the woman is domestic. Fuck, shit, damn, are all swear words. Christianity is the right religion. No wait. Its actually Islam. Or hold up. Make it Buddhism. If you invite me out, you pay the bill. Or better still, let's split it. Men are presidents, women are anything but that. Its okay for girls to say "I love you" to each other, but guys better not be gay with that shit. Guys shouldn't cry. That's not very manly. Its rap music or hard rock. If you listen to RnB or soul music, you're some sort of sissy. You're still a virgin? at 23? Awwwww, poor thing!
Who says though? Society, or you? - That is my question.
We are born into a very demanding world; one that comes with its own principles. Everyone should know that. However, I think one part we constantly fail to remember is that as much as this world has its own principles, we are born with choices. Our own, personal choices. Society has definitely informed our various cultures and lifestyles, and that's okay, but is it okay to let it inform every aspect of our lives? I'm not trying to make you agree with me. I'm just trying to make you think.
Half of the time people do stuff, its because of the people around them, or because that's the norm. Everyone has a sense of independence and discernment, and there is nothing wrong with exercising that. Society makes it look like you go with it, or you suck. Is this true? Absolutely, but only for those who believe it. You are allowed to inform who you are. You CAN inform who you are. But the only way to do it is to separate your principles and values from that of the society. If your beliefs line up with the society's, great! But if the society informs your idea of wrong and right, what to do and what not to do, then take a moment to evaluate things.
I don't think I should wait for someone to come and see me cause he's male. If we are great friends, what really does gender matter? If red and black are in a painting, why does it have to be evil? Why can't it just be the artists choice of colour? Look at it this way. If everyone started living by themselves apart from society, do you realise that you wont have to care what someone thinks about your actions? Cause basically, no one would give a shit. (If you somewhere in your head, thought I just swore, you're the kind of person I'm addressing). People wont be as judgmental as they are now, and you wont be afraid to look less than someone else. This independence and individuality when it comes to principles and values will greatly weaken the holds of peer pressure, and the need to fit in.
Easier said than done, I know. But its easier done than thought when you actually start from somewhere. They say diamonds are a girls best friend. I say it could be tanzanite or pearls. They say its polite to hold the door for a woman. I say if you get to the door first, hold it. They say men ask girls out. I say if you want it, go get it. They say a respectful man doesn't hit a girl. I say any respectful person keeps their hands to themselves.
I could go on and on, and honestly, you don't have to agree with what "I say". What I'm saying in essence is this. Society dictates nothing to me. I make my own rules. Think about it.
That's all about society, or you...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
TO MY UNBORN...
Little one,
I can't promise to be a perfect mother, but I promise to try to be perfect for you.
I want to be able to give you the two most important things in life - Jesus, and good education. With those you can go wherever you want to go in life, and achieve anything. I want to be able to provide for you; give you the best of everything you'll ever need. That will be my sole responsibility. I want to be able to give you better opportunities than i have gotten, because i want you to excel far above my own accomplishments.
I want to walk you through all the stages of your life, and teach what you need to know to survive each one. I want to be there when you say your first word and when your first tooth falls off. I want to be there to nurse every bruise and to tuck you in every night with a kiss. I never want to miss any key events in your life, so you can be convinced that no matter what happens, you'll always have a strong support system. I want to be there for every sports game, theater show, concert. I want to be able to sit in the audience and scream your name till I run out of breath or lose my voice. I want to be able to tap the lady next to me and say "hey, that's my child!" I want to drive you to your first day of school, and watch you walk down the aisle at graduation. I want to support your dreams and aspirations - financially, emotionally, and otherwise. I want to be the one to lay you a strong foundation, one on which you can keep building your life and withstand any form of adversity.
I want us to be able to talk to each other...about anything and everything. I want to be the one you talk to about life. About morality and religion, about sex and puberty, about love and feelings, about peer pressure, about failure and imperfection, about dignity and self respect...about everything that makes you human. I want to be the source of your greatest and most commendable advice. I want to be there when you make friends and learn to share your life with others so I can help you see the beauty in living for more than just yourself. I want to be there when you get hurt or disappointed so that you're reminded that you're never alone. I want to be there when you fall in love and when you get your heart broken so I can help you through the pain. I wanna be just a phone call away when you need to talk, and just one step away when you need some encouragement or prayer.
I want to be the one to discipline you. To tell you when you're wrong and correct you in fauthfulness and love. I want to be able to beat the shit out of you when you deserve it. I want to be able to stay out of your life when I need to, and let you make the mistakes you need to make to learn. Still, I want to be there when you make those mistakes so I can tell you what you could have done better. I want your inadequacies to be absent in my presence, and teach you that its perfecty okay to be flawed. I want to be able to say I'm sorry when I'm wrong, and apologse when I've hurt you. I want to be there to hold your hand when you need to make a tough decision, or to just hold you tight when you've made a wrong one. I want to be a model of the person you'd want to become.
I want us to have fun together! I want you to love Trey Songz as much as i do so we can go poster shopping together and buy meet and greet packages to concerts. I want us to go get ice cream and chocolates and just lay in bed all day talking and eating just because we can. I want us to take vacations to your favourite places and walk the beach from sunset till dark at mine. i want us to experiment togeteher, try different things, and do new things.
Most of all, little one, i just want to be your mother. To love you in the most honest and sincere way possible, and with the biggest and purest heart. To stand up for you in the face of others. To fight for your right any day, any time. To give you everything I can within my capacity. To be faithful in all my responsibilitites to you... Till death do us part.
...and one day, when I've lived and am aged, I want you to read this back to me, and tell me how well I succeeded.
Patiently waiting till you arrive,
Mommy.
xoxo
That is a letter to my unborn...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
I can't promise to be a perfect mother, but I promise to try to be perfect for you.
I want to be able to give you the two most important things in life - Jesus, and good education. With those you can go wherever you want to go in life, and achieve anything. I want to be able to provide for you; give you the best of everything you'll ever need. That will be my sole responsibility. I want to be able to give you better opportunities than i have gotten, because i want you to excel far above my own accomplishments.
I want to walk you through all the stages of your life, and teach what you need to know to survive each one. I want to be there when you say your first word and when your first tooth falls off. I want to be there to nurse every bruise and to tuck you in every night with a kiss. I never want to miss any key events in your life, so you can be convinced that no matter what happens, you'll always have a strong support system. I want to be there for every sports game, theater show, concert. I want to be able to sit in the audience and scream your name till I run out of breath or lose my voice. I want to be able to tap the lady next to me and say "hey, that's my child!" I want to drive you to your first day of school, and watch you walk down the aisle at graduation. I want to support your dreams and aspirations - financially, emotionally, and otherwise. I want to be the one to lay you a strong foundation, one on which you can keep building your life and withstand any form of adversity.
I want us to be able to talk to each other...about anything and everything. I want to be the one you talk to about life. About morality and religion, about sex and puberty, about love and feelings, about peer pressure, about failure and imperfection, about dignity and self respect...about everything that makes you human. I want to be the source of your greatest and most commendable advice. I want to be there when you make friends and learn to share your life with others so I can help you see the beauty in living for more than just yourself. I want to be there when you get hurt or disappointed so that you're reminded that you're never alone. I want to be there when you fall in love and when you get your heart broken so I can help you through the pain. I wanna be just a phone call away when you need to talk, and just one step away when you need some encouragement or prayer.
I want to be the one to discipline you. To tell you when you're wrong and correct you in fauthfulness and love. I want to be able to beat the shit out of you when you deserve it. I want to be able to stay out of your life when I need to, and let you make the mistakes you need to make to learn. Still, I want to be there when you make those mistakes so I can tell you what you could have done better. I want your inadequacies to be absent in my presence, and teach you that its perfecty okay to be flawed. I want to be able to say I'm sorry when I'm wrong, and apologse when I've hurt you. I want to be there to hold your hand when you need to make a tough decision, or to just hold you tight when you've made a wrong one. I want to be a model of the person you'd want to become.
I want us to have fun together! I want you to love Trey Songz as much as i do so we can go poster shopping together and buy meet and greet packages to concerts. I want us to go get ice cream and chocolates and just lay in bed all day talking and eating just because we can. I want us to take vacations to your favourite places and walk the beach from sunset till dark at mine. i want us to experiment togeteher, try different things, and do new things.
Most of all, little one, i just want to be your mother. To love you in the most honest and sincere way possible, and with the biggest and purest heart. To stand up for you in the face of others. To fight for your right any day, any time. To give you everything I can within my capacity. To be faithful in all my responsibilitites to you... Till death do us part.
...and one day, when I've lived and am aged, I want you to read this back to me, and tell me how well I succeeded.
Patiently waiting till you arrive,
Mommy.
xoxo
That is a letter to my unborn...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A PIECE OF ECLIPSE... I
She's tried to find it.
But if pain a teardrop, she's cried the pacific already;
If hurt a flower, she's been in the most beautiful gardens.
If that perfect end...if love... a book,
she's remained in the contents.
...and it's pain of the brokenness a delicate heart feels
watching the one she loves find happiness in another one's embrace.
the sad torture of the realization that what she always wanted so bad, was no longer an option.
the complications of holding on...not because she wants to,
but because there's no means of letting go.
the uncertainties of not being able to give up what she never had;
not being able to move past what was once a wish... a hope... a fantasy.
all over again she's searching...
searching for lost hope.
memories... nostalgia... she relives.
it was all with him one minute, and the next only without him -
pained from the knowledge that it was just about what she could give,
not what she could get;
how it made her feel, not what was real.
but she hadn't known. She'd wished...
and trusted...
and believed.
Now with every moment comes anxiety,
every memory brings a chill.
She'd laid her all, and behind him, he'd shut the door.
...she'd made a mistake just thinking 'forever'.
She is what she is. She'll never change.
what will the next be? Another mistake?
another walk?
another shut door?
Questions in her head...yearning in her heart.
So much love to give and no one to receive.
But what's emotion anyway?
she's lost it to tears... her senses, to fears.
believe it or not, she's broken. She's bled.
and the smile she wears is only a bit of her story.
She'll give others her words, and refrain from using them.
cause since they quit writing her fairytale,
they'd turned another's tragedy to one.
Everyday, every moment,
she feels the hurt, and pain, and loneliness.
she's letting go of the past, but the difficulty of walking away
when there's no visible path to future, burns.
Time is done telling, it's her head now.
Not her heart anymore.
Where her heart leads, her head won't go.
Done with emotion; just started on nous.
Cry all night.
Drink all summer.
Take a shot... for her.
###
That's a piece of eclipse... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
But if pain a teardrop, she's cried the pacific already;
If hurt a flower, she's been in the most beautiful gardens.
If that perfect end...if love... a book,
she's remained in the contents.
...and it's pain of the brokenness a delicate heart feels
watching the one she loves find happiness in another one's embrace.
the sad torture of the realization that what she always wanted so bad, was no longer an option.
the complications of holding on...not because she wants to,
but because there's no means of letting go.
the uncertainties of not being able to give up what she never had;
not being able to move past what was once a wish... a hope... a fantasy.
all over again she's searching...
searching for lost hope.
memories... nostalgia... she relives.
it was all with him one minute, and the next only without him -
pained from the knowledge that it was just about what she could give,
not what she could get;
how it made her feel, not what was real.
but she hadn't known. She'd wished...
and trusted...
and believed.
Now with every moment comes anxiety,
every memory brings a chill.
She'd laid her all, and behind him, he'd shut the door.
...she'd made a mistake just thinking 'forever'.
She is what she is. She'll never change.
what will the next be? Another mistake?
another walk?
another shut door?
Questions in her head...yearning in her heart.
So much love to give and no one to receive.
But what's emotion anyway?
she's lost it to tears... her senses, to fears.
believe it or not, she's broken. She's bled.
and the smile she wears is only a bit of her story.
She'll give others her words, and refrain from using them.
cause since they quit writing her fairytale,
they'd turned another's tragedy to one.
Everyday, every moment,
she feels the hurt, and pain, and loneliness.
she's letting go of the past, but the difficulty of walking away
when there's no visible path to future, burns.
Time is done telling, it's her head now.
Not her heart anymore.
Where her heart leads, her head won't go.
Done with emotion; just started on nous.
Cry all night.
Drink all summer.
Take a shot... for her.
###
That's a piece of eclipse... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Saturday, April 7, 2012
WHAT HIS BLOOD MEANS... TO ME.
So, you know how they say the first step to overcoming something is to admit it? If you answered no, well there it is. "They" say something like that. Moving on. I have many issues I have to overcome but admitting them is the hardest part. I hate the fact that I cannot be perfect. I have to admit that to be fine with making mistakes. I hate the fact that I cannot get all A's. I have to admit that to be okay with getting B's. Those are mediocre compared to one of the hardest things I'll ever have to admit, and this is it: I let my fear keep me from living and achieving. You're probably saying "Oh? That's it?" The answer is no. You see, fear comes in different shapes and forms - the fear of failure, the fear of imperfection, the fear of limitation, the fear of....cancer. I'm random with that last fear, and I know, but don't lose me just yet.
Take one moment to think about the people that cancer has taken away - those you know personally, and those you've heard of. Uncountable huh? I know. As I write, one of my favourite people in this world is on a bed suffering at the hands of this terrible disease. I'm on my knees daily for a miracle for him, and when I get up, I get that slight chill of fear. Never fails. Why? Cause that could be me. Now you're wondering why I would fear when it could be anyone at all, and I will tell you why. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a recurring condition of fibro adenoma. For those of you who don't feel like opening an extra tab to google what that means, I'll tell you. I have benign breast lumps...that are reoccurring. Meaning, if I take them out, they'll only just come back. I have 4 scars from surgery, and still have more than 9 lumps currently. Wow right? I know. My surgeon suggested I stop taking them out, but made it clear that I need to watch them closely and have regular check-ups because some cancerous ones come shielded in the looks of fibro adenomas. NOT what I wanted to hear.
Maybe some of you still don't understand. I wake-up everyday, and I get a slight chill when I think about this. I get on my knees for cancer patients I know, and in the back of my head, I can't help but think that could be me some day. Every time I go for a check-up, I sit in that chair waiting for the radiologist to determine my results and the doctor to walk in with something to tell me. Believe it or not, it crosses my mind sometimes that it may be something I do not want to hear. Do you understand now? This is a fear that I LIVE with, and one that will never go away. This, might be
You may have fears, and one of them may be of getting cancer, but you may not live with it like I do, and let me tell you now - both fears are not the same. Every time I talk to my mom, she always encourages me and reminds me that God is with me. When I say I am afraid, he asks me to cast ALL my fears on him for he cares for me. It is easy to hear this, but hard to obey. For many years I was stuck on why it had to be me. I am a young girl with a long life ahead of me, and this fear is not my idea of blissful maturity. If you don't get anything else from reading this, I want you to get this one thing: Jesus does something for us, that NO FEAR can take away. Let me explain. Jesus died. He shed his blood. For us. For you... For me. And his word says by his stripes, we are healed. Why did he die for us? Because he loved us, and not just loved us, but loved us perfectly. What does the bible say about perfect love?
It casts out fear. If Easter means nothing to you, let it mean this one thing on my behalf... What his blood means to me.
This past Wednesday, as I sat in that room after my ultrasound waiting for the radiologists results, and the doctor to come and tell me what he had to say, I was nervous as always. It is nerve wrecking. The doctor walked in and told me that everything looked about the same as last time, and that I didn't have anything to worry about, but reminded me to keep an eye on everything. After I breathed my sigh of relief, he looked at me and said, "Do you ever wonder, why you?" I smiled for a couple seconds and looked back at him and replied, "You know, maybe before, but not anymore. At this point, I'm more grateful than anything." The reason why I am more grateful than anything is because I know God never leaves me. I know what his blood has done for me, and what it means to me. I'm human, and I will fear, but God's perfect love overcomes my fear. That is why in 24 hours I may have just 5 seconds of fear. I spend the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds being aware of God's presence with me, and his perfect love for me.
So if you see me on twitter ranting off about my "twins" and encouraging girls to get checked because breast cancer is real, there it is. Now you know why. I don't know what it is in your life people, but Jesus died for you and for me. His blood covers everything that could possibly bother you. It is true that people die, and things go wrong, but when you have Jesus, everything will be okay.. in life... or in death.
Happy Easter.
This is what His blood means to me... as I do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo Credit 1 Photo Credit II Photo Credit III Photo Credit IV
Take one moment to think about the people that cancer has taken away - those you know personally, and those you've heard of. Uncountable huh? I know. As I write, one of my favourite people in this world is on a bed suffering at the hands of this terrible disease. I'm on my knees daily for a miracle for him, and when I get up, I get that slight chill of fear. Never fails. Why? Cause that could be me. Now you're wondering why I would fear when it could be anyone at all, and I will tell you why. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a recurring condition of fibro adenoma. For those of you who don't feel like opening an extra tab to google what that means, I'll tell you. I have benign breast lumps...that are reoccurring. Meaning, if I take them out, they'll only just come back. I have 4 scars from surgery, and still have more than 9 lumps currently. Wow right? I know. My surgeon suggested I stop taking them out, but made it clear that I need to watch them closely and have regular check-ups because some cancerous ones come shielded in the looks of fibro adenomas. NOT what I wanted to hear.
Maybe some of you still don't understand. I wake-up everyday, and I get a slight chill when I think about this. I get on my knees for cancer patients I know, and in the back of my head, I can't help but think that could be me some day. Every time I go for a check-up, I sit in that chair waiting for the radiologist to determine my results and the doctor to walk in with something to tell me. Believe it or not, it crosses my mind sometimes that it may be something I do not want to hear. Do you understand now? This is a fear that I LIVE with, and one that will never go away. This, might be
You may have fears, and one of them may be of getting cancer, but you may not live with it like I do, and let me tell you now - both fears are not the same. Every time I talk to my mom, she always encourages me and reminds me that God is with me. When I say I am afraid, he asks me to cast ALL my fears on him for he cares for me. It is easy to hear this, but hard to obey. For many years I was stuck on why it had to be me. I am a young girl with a long life ahead of me, and this fear is not my idea of blissful maturity. If you don't get anything else from reading this, I want you to get this one thing: Jesus does something for us, that NO FEAR can take away. Let me explain. Jesus died. He shed his blood. For us. For you... For me. And his word says by his stripes, we are healed. Why did he die for us? Because he loved us, and not just loved us, but loved us perfectly. What does the bible say about perfect love?
It casts out fear. If Easter means nothing to you, let it mean this one thing on my behalf... What his blood means to me.
This past Wednesday, as I sat in that room after my ultrasound waiting for the radiologists results, and the doctor to come and tell me what he had to say, I was nervous as always. It is nerve wrecking. The doctor walked in and told me that everything looked about the same as last time, and that I didn't have anything to worry about, but reminded me to keep an eye on everything. After I breathed my sigh of relief, he looked at me and said, "Do you ever wonder, why you?" I smiled for a couple seconds and looked back at him and replied, "You know, maybe before, but not anymore. At this point, I'm more grateful than anything." The reason why I am more grateful than anything is because I know God never leaves me. I know what his blood has done for me, and what it means to me. I'm human, and I will fear, but God's perfect love overcomes my fear. That is why in 24 hours I may have just 5 seconds of fear. I spend the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds being aware of God's presence with me, and his perfect love for me.
So if you see me on twitter ranting off about my "twins" and encouraging girls to get checked because breast cancer is real, there it is. Now you know why. I don't know what it is in your life people, but Jesus died for you and for me. His blood covers everything that could possibly bother you. It is true that people die, and things go wrong, but when you have Jesus, everything will be okay.. in life... or in death.
Happy Easter.
This is what His blood means to me... as I do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo Credit 1 Photo Credit II Photo Credit III Photo Credit IV
Monday, March 19, 2012
TO BE BEAUTIFUL? OR TO BE YOUR OWN BEAUTIFUL?
So, it's college right? (I really don't care how you answer)
Everyone comes into college with their own thing. For some people its craziness. For others its weirdness. For some people its just total boredom. Well, for me and my roommate, it was just basically whatever we made it with whatever we had. So it was a mix of all three, and possibly more. (That's debatable) Anyway, we had fun ways of doing things, and one of those ways was giving people names. Like if we saw someone and didn't know their name, but wanted to talk about them, we'd just call them something that would make us know who they are. Many names came out of this - Hyperactive, Hyperactive boo, Stunnaz, Proactive, Proud Family, LBC, Eww, The good boy, and many more. Some of them were full sentences too. Amidst all these unique names that we gave to people based on what they did or said, there is one name that reoccurred several times. Make-up. So, a conversation would go like this. "Hey, I saw make-up today. She looked really nice. Her hair was curled and everything, and her blazer was a real nice shade of yellow". "Oh, which make-up"? "The one with the longer darker hair". "Oooohhhh, that one. Yeah, she's always so nicely dressed."
As you can probably already tell, the reason why these girls were called make-up is because they wore an outrageous amount of make-up...everyday. You never saw them without make-up, so we just called them "make-up". Quite fitting I know, but that's not my point. Behind all this name giving, my roommate and I always wondered why these girls had to paint their faces so much. They are very pretty girls, and you'd think they'd be proud and embrace their natural beauty. Unfortunately, it's the opposite.
Make-up is an amazing thing, and you know, its nice to be able to change up the colour of your eyes, and lips, and wear longer eyelashes. I looked up the top 10 reasons why women wear make-up, and according to The Sundance Channel, the number one reason is to "be your own beautiful". Women, and maybe even men like to be beautiful, and they express it in make-up. It is an amazing thing to be able to do that! However, this same amazing thing, I think, is the root of this issue why people will never go without make-up - They want to be beautiful. I'm not going to sit here and say make-up doesn't enhance beauty, because oh my, would that be a lie! But if the reason that we wear make-up is to be beautiful though, then there is a problem.
As a child, I loved watching my mom put on make-up and it was fascinating to me. Because of that, I wanted to start wearing it too. I wanted to be able to be pretty! To cut the long story short, my mom never let me wear make-up at a young age. Why? I complained and cried, and I wanted to do it soooo badly. I mean, why would you be telling me not to do something you let me watch you do? Whenever she wasn't home I'd go and get some and wear it, and when I heard her horn, I'd go wash it off, and act like it was all cool.
Well I decided to ask her about it one day when she once again denied me the privilege to wear it. She nicely told me that I was already beautiful and didn't need make-up to make me beautiful. She told me that God still loved me, and she loved me, and that anyone that truly loved me would love me with or without make-up on. Best believe this - until I fully understood that, she didn't let me wear make-up.
This is where I'm going with this. Where do we draw the line between wearing make-up to be our own beautiful, and wearing make-up to feel beautiful? Where does our identity lie? In mascara, foundation and concealer... or in Jesus, family and love? Think about it. Many of these girls that wear make-up to enhance their beauty have made it so much of a habit that their identity unknowingly starts to get defined by make-up. Keyword - unknowingly. The moment someone begins to feel as though make-up completes them, and that they look terrible without it, then identity crisis sets in. There is that belief that make-up just makes them better, and after all, looks are everything right? It just takes one day, and then the next day, and then.... "this makes me look amazing!".... and then the next day, and the next. and the next.... and all those that follow. And slowly but surely, make-up begins to define you, and who you think you are.
I'm the one to fall for an absolutely gorgeous man, and am definitely the one to say good looks are a maximum plus, but listen. This may just be my opinion, but if you're reading it, there's a reason why. Wearing make-up everyday does not make you beautiful. It gradually makes you insecure, slowly takes away your self-worth, and rapidly chips away at your sense of identity. Im not a psychologist or anything, but if you doubt me, think of someone you know that wears make-up everyday without fail. Just tell them to go a day without it, and listen to allllllll the excuses they come up with to NOT do that. You'll be surprised at what you'll hear. It's as little as some foundation to even out your skin tone or some concealer to cover up those black heads. But what is important is recognizing the people that appreciate you without that concealer or foundation on. Find the one that tells you "You're amazingly beautiful" when you don't have make-up on. Remember that no matter what, your identity lies in Christ, and being made in God's image, you are beautiful! - With or without any facial enhancers.
That little girl in me is still alive! If you know me, you know I LOVEEE make-up. Have I gone a week without it? Yup! As a matter of fact, the last couple of days I haven't worn ANY make-up at all. When it's time to go out for some drinks, our when i get any opportunity to get dolled up, will I wear it? Sure thaing! Because I love to express myself in colour and improve my expertise with facial creativity. I don't wear make-up because I think it makes me beautiful. I wear it because I think it lets me express my own beautiful, and be it too!
Make-up is an absolutely beautiful blessing to women, but never forget, any blessing turned upside down, is a curse. Society makes us believe that to be beautiful you have to use Loreal, Mac, Maybelline, Almay, Estee Lauder, etc. They get the most beautiful celebrities to endorse their products, and tell me, isn't Beyonce, or Eva Longoria, or Queen Latifah, or Halle Berry beautiful? And it's just some make-up! Don't try to believe that it's just make-up. The moment you take it for granted, it begins to define key aspects of your life, and makes very significant changes to the person you think you really are. Real beauty is not something you want make-up to take away. It's something you want people to see through make-up.
That's all about make-up and identity...as i do it.
Inspired by : Kristie Martel
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit Photo credit Photo credit
Everyone comes into college with their own thing. For some people its craziness. For others its weirdness. For some people its just total boredom. Well, for me and my roommate, it was just basically whatever we made it with whatever we had. So it was a mix of all three, and possibly more. (That's debatable) Anyway, we had fun ways of doing things, and one of those ways was giving people names. Like if we saw someone and didn't know their name, but wanted to talk about them, we'd just call them something that would make us know who they are. Many names came out of this - Hyperactive, Hyperactive boo, Stunnaz, Proactive, Proud Family, LBC, Eww, The good boy, and many more. Some of them were full sentences too. Amidst all these unique names that we gave to people based on what they did or said, there is one name that reoccurred several times. Make-up. So, a conversation would go like this. "Hey, I saw make-up today. She looked really nice. Her hair was curled and everything, and her blazer was a real nice shade of yellow". "Oh, which make-up"? "The one with the longer darker hair". "Oooohhhh, that one. Yeah, she's always so nicely dressed."
As you can probably already tell, the reason why these girls were called make-up is because they wore an outrageous amount of make-up...everyday. You never saw them without make-up, so we just called them "make-up". Quite fitting I know, but that's not my point. Behind all this name giving, my roommate and I always wondered why these girls had to paint their faces so much. They are very pretty girls, and you'd think they'd be proud and embrace their natural beauty. Unfortunately, it's the opposite.
Make-up is an amazing thing, and you know, its nice to be able to change up the colour of your eyes, and lips, and wear longer eyelashes. I looked up the top 10 reasons why women wear make-up, and according to The Sundance Channel, the number one reason is to "be your own beautiful". Women, and maybe even men like to be beautiful, and they express it in make-up. It is an amazing thing to be able to do that! However, this same amazing thing, I think, is the root of this issue why people will never go without make-up - They want to be beautiful. I'm not going to sit here and say make-up doesn't enhance beauty, because oh my, would that be a lie! But if the reason that we wear make-up is to be beautiful though, then there is a problem.
As a child, I loved watching my mom put on make-up and it was fascinating to me. Because of that, I wanted to start wearing it too. I wanted to be able to be pretty! To cut the long story short, my mom never let me wear make-up at a young age. Why? I complained and cried, and I wanted to do it soooo badly. I mean, why would you be telling me not to do something you let me watch you do? Whenever she wasn't home I'd go and get some and wear it, and when I heard her horn, I'd go wash it off, and act like it was all cool.
Well I decided to ask her about it one day when she once again denied me the privilege to wear it. She nicely told me that I was already beautiful and didn't need make-up to make me beautiful. She told me that God still loved me, and she loved me, and that anyone that truly loved me would love me with or without make-up on. Best believe this - until I fully understood that, she didn't let me wear make-up.
This is where I'm going with this. Where do we draw the line between wearing make-up to be our own beautiful, and wearing make-up to feel beautiful? Where does our identity lie? In mascara, foundation and concealer... or in Jesus, family and love? Think about it. Many of these girls that wear make-up to enhance their beauty have made it so much of a habit that their identity unknowingly starts to get defined by make-up. Keyword - unknowingly. The moment someone begins to feel as though make-up completes them, and that they look terrible without it, then identity crisis sets in. There is that belief that make-up just makes them better, and after all, looks are everything right? It just takes one day, and then the next day, and then.... "this makes me look amazing!".... and then the next day, and the next. and the next.... and all those that follow. And slowly but surely, make-up begins to define you, and who you think you are.
I'm the one to fall for an absolutely gorgeous man, and am definitely the one to say good looks are a maximum plus, but listen. This may just be my opinion, but if you're reading it, there's a reason why. Wearing make-up everyday does not make you beautiful. It gradually makes you insecure, slowly takes away your self-worth, and rapidly chips away at your sense of identity. Im not a psychologist or anything, but if you doubt me, think of someone you know that wears make-up everyday without fail. Just tell them to go a day without it, and listen to allllllll the excuses they come up with to NOT do that. You'll be surprised at what you'll hear. It's as little as some foundation to even out your skin tone or some concealer to cover up those black heads. But what is important is recognizing the people that appreciate you without that concealer or foundation on. Find the one that tells you "You're amazingly beautiful" when you don't have make-up on. Remember that no matter what, your identity lies in Christ, and being made in God's image, you are beautiful! - With or without any facial enhancers.
That little girl in me is still alive! If you know me, you know I LOVEEE make-up. Have I gone a week without it? Yup! As a matter of fact, the last couple of days I haven't worn ANY make-up at all. When it's time to go out for some drinks, our when i get any opportunity to get dolled up, will I wear it? Sure thaing! Because I love to express myself in colour and improve my expertise with facial creativity. I don't wear make-up because I think it makes me beautiful. I wear it because I think it lets me express my own beautiful, and be it too!
Make-up is an absolutely beautiful blessing to women, but never forget, any blessing turned upside down, is a curse. Society makes us believe that to be beautiful you have to use Loreal, Mac, Maybelline, Almay, Estee Lauder, etc. They get the most beautiful celebrities to endorse their products, and tell me, isn't Beyonce, or Eva Longoria, or Queen Latifah, or Halle Berry beautiful? And it's just some make-up! Don't try to believe that it's just make-up. The moment you take it for granted, it begins to define key aspects of your life, and makes very significant changes to the person you think you really are. Real beauty is not something you want make-up to take away. It's something you want people to see through make-up.
That's all about make-up and identity...as i do it.
Inspired by : Kristie Martel
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit Photo credit Photo credit
Monday, February 6, 2012
PERCEPTIONS...LIVING DOWN TO THE NEGATIVE ONES?
If you've ever taken time to read my bio on this blog at all, you'll see what I say about people's perceptions about me. Those that like me call me amazing. Those that don't call me pathetic. I have no idea about those that are in the middle, but that's just some of the stuff I've heard. Ohhhhhhh wait. The last one I heard was "Selfish bitch". [Lmao!!] So yeah, you see, people have some reeeaaaaallllly diverse opinions of me. But you see, people's opinions of you can only be as much as you show them.
People's perceptions about you are built in several different ways. I'm a communications major, and I'm pretty sure you will fall asleep if I begin to rant about different perception theories and shit, so I'm not going to do that. However, I will say that perceptions are always built off of something. There has to be something that you do or say that makes someone perceive you the way they do. Unfortunately, these perceptions might not always be the greatest ones. That someone perceives me as a selfish bitch is not a great thing. [I just could honestly care less, cause I mean, if you want to pull out the speck in my eye before the log in yours, I think we gon have a problem. *evil grin* Anyway..] So yeah, perceptions are not always that great, but doesn't mean that they can't be. Some perceptions that people have of you are positive ones. To make my point though, I'm going to stick with negative perceptions.
I'm going to make the assumption, and I want to think that it is a safe one too, that no one really likes it when there is this negative perception that people have about them, especially when these people have never really met them. Everyone wants a chance to be able to prove themselves before they get judged, or before conclusions are made about them. It's only in our human nature to want others to see the good in us, and call us out for the good only. Because of this innate attribute of humans, we get frustrated when we hear all these negative stuff about us. And it's okay for us to not want to hear those things, but do we ever take time to understand that there is a difference between someones perceptions and what we really are? A lot of the time we fail to realize that what is more important is who we are and how we respond to the negative perceptions of us.
It bothers me when I see people who get so upset about the negative perceptions others have about them, but go on by all means to prove them right. I say it bothers me because I have come in contact with people who give me this whole speech about how badly others misread their actions or just even judge them based off of common stereotypes, but as soon as the speech is over, I turn around and the next time I see them, they are walking right into the words that they were mad at. Here's my point - You cannot be mad at people for giving you a reputation when you willingly choose to live it out. You can't be mad at someone that says your mean if you are actually mean. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a whore if you're actually a whore. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a bully if you're actually a bully. Honestly though, what are you even thinking!?
Perceptions are nothing permanent at all. They change in a split second. Nevertheless, they last a long ass time as well. People may have perceptions about you, but how you respond to those perceptions is what becomes a reality. If people have a false perception about you that makes you unhappy, you should be able to prove that it is false. If you cannot do that, isn't there some truth in it? Afterall, "perception IS reality" right?If you cannot prove a perception or reputation about yourself wrong, then you need to take some time and think about it, especially if it tempers with your comfort levels. I am in no way saying listen to all the shit that people are saying about you and take it all in and try to show them at all costs that they are mistaken. No. You don't live for other people. What I am saying is, if you truly are what you say you are, people will see it. Granted there are some perceptions about yourself you will not ever be able to change by staying true to who you are because people have their minds made up. Is that okay? Absolutely; because anyone who makes up their mind about you without giving you an opportunity to change it probably doesn't belong in your life anyway.
I heard something recently that broke my heart. A group of people who are constantly talking about the negative perceptions that people have of them just nicely lived up to the reputation they were given. If you are aware that the reputation is not a good one, why would you live up to it? It is not my place to judge anyone, and if you know me, I do not like to judge people, but there comes a point where you can unarguably tell stuff that just aint cool. I lost total respect for these people because of this, and it makes me sad, because whenever I look at them now, that's all I can think of. I swear, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
People are going to think what they want to think. Some you can change and some, you can't. If you think the way to live is to affirm negative perceptions and reputations that you have, then by all means, be my guest. However, the next time someone calls a mouse a mouse, don't fight them. Don't get mad or upset. Accept it, and move on. Cause all they see is a mouse; when you show them a mouse, they'll have no choice other than to believe it.
So you see, the person who called me a selfish bitch probably wouldn't take a million dollars to change her mind, or to say otherwise, (and I'm still searching for a damn to give on this one..lmao) but that's not who I'm living for. The people who think I'm pathetic may take that perception to their graves, and again, those are not who I'm living for. Me, on the other hand, am doing my best to remain true to who I am, and to always do what I know is right. Not that I really care, but if I eventually prove their perceptions wrong, then great! But I would rather have them keep their perceptions as perceptions, than for me to act upon them, and make them a reality by living down to them and affirming them.
That's perceptions...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit
People's perceptions about you are built in several different ways. I'm a communications major, and I'm pretty sure you will fall asleep if I begin to rant about different perception theories and shit, so I'm not going to do that. However, I will say that perceptions are always built off of something. There has to be something that you do or say that makes someone perceive you the way they do. Unfortunately, these perceptions might not always be the greatest ones. That someone perceives me as a selfish bitch is not a great thing. [I just could honestly care less, cause I mean, if you want to pull out the speck in my eye before the log in yours, I think we gon have a problem. *evil grin* Anyway..] So yeah, perceptions are not always that great, but doesn't mean that they can't be. Some perceptions that people have of you are positive ones. To make my point though, I'm going to stick with negative perceptions.
I'm going to make the assumption, and I want to think that it is a safe one too, that no one really likes it when there is this negative perception that people have about them, especially when these people have never really met them. Everyone wants a chance to be able to prove themselves before they get judged, or before conclusions are made about them. It's only in our human nature to want others to see the good in us, and call us out for the good only. Because of this innate attribute of humans, we get frustrated when we hear all these negative stuff about us. And it's okay for us to not want to hear those things, but do we ever take time to understand that there is a difference between someones perceptions and what we really are? A lot of the time we fail to realize that what is more important is who we are and how we respond to the negative perceptions of us.
It bothers me when I see people who get so upset about the negative perceptions others have about them, but go on by all means to prove them right. I say it bothers me because I have come in contact with people who give me this whole speech about how badly others misread their actions or just even judge them based off of common stereotypes, but as soon as the speech is over, I turn around and the next time I see them, they are walking right into the words that they were mad at. Here's my point - You cannot be mad at people for giving you a reputation when you willingly choose to live it out. You can't be mad at someone that says your mean if you are actually mean. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a whore if you're actually a whore. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a bully if you're actually a bully. Honestly though, what are you even thinking!?
Perceptions are nothing permanent at all. They change in a split second. Nevertheless, they last a long ass time as well. People may have perceptions about you, but how you respond to those perceptions is what becomes a reality. If people have a false perception about you that makes you unhappy, you should be able to prove that it is false. If you cannot do that, isn't there some truth in it? Afterall, "perception IS reality" right?If you cannot prove a perception or reputation about yourself wrong, then you need to take some time and think about it, especially if it tempers with your comfort levels. I am in no way saying listen to all the shit that people are saying about you and take it all in and try to show them at all costs that they are mistaken. No. You don't live for other people. What I am saying is, if you truly are what you say you are, people will see it. Granted there are some perceptions about yourself you will not ever be able to change by staying true to who you are because people have their minds made up. Is that okay? Absolutely; because anyone who makes up their mind about you without giving you an opportunity to change it probably doesn't belong in your life anyway.
I heard something recently that broke my heart. A group of people who are constantly talking about the negative perceptions that people have of them just nicely lived up to the reputation they were given. If you are aware that the reputation is not a good one, why would you live up to it? It is not my place to judge anyone, and if you know me, I do not like to judge people, but there comes a point where you can unarguably tell stuff that just aint cool. I lost total respect for these people because of this, and it makes me sad, because whenever I look at them now, that's all I can think of. I swear, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
People are going to think what they want to think. Some you can change and some, you can't. If you think the way to live is to affirm negative perceptions and reputations that you have, then by all means, be my guest. However, the next time someone calls a mouse a mouse, don't fight them. Don't get mad or upset. Accept it, and move on. Cause all they see is a mouse; when you show them a mouse, they'll have no choice other than to believe it.
So you see, the person who called me a selfish bitch probably wouldn't take a million dollars to change her mind, or to say otherwise, (and I'm still searching for a damn to give on this one..lmao) but that's not who I'm living for. The people who think I'm pathetic may take that perception to their graves, and again, those are not who I'm living for. Me, on the other hand, am doing my best to remain true to who I am, and to always do what I know is right. Not that I really care, but if I eventually prove their perceptions wrong, then great! But I would rather have them keep their perceptions as perceptions, than for me to act upon them, and make them a reality by living down to them and affirming them.
That's perceptions...as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
Photo credit
Thursday, January 5, 2012
2011 ... NO REGRETS, ONLY LESSONS LEARNED.
As usual, every year comes with a few lessons that you have to learn before it's over. 2011 brought me many lessons, and some of those were a hard pill to swallow. Here are some of the most important things I learned this year:
DEATH IS STILL A BITCH. You never get used to the pain of losing people you love. It's unbelievable pain, and just living in the reality that you will feel that pain again is scary. Chuka Okeke & Azubah Ityav, I miss you more than words than say. I still feel the pain of your departure like a fresh wound. Keep smiling down on me, and when I'm bout to do something wrong, smack me. :-)
LOVE IS OVERRATED. I know it's about love, but it's not only about love. People sit and write all these beautiful quotes that sound good only on paper and not in action. They say if you love someone, tell them before it's too late. Do they ever say what to do when the person just doesn't feel the same way? They say love doesn't give up if it really wants something. Do they ever say what to do when you can't, don't or won't get it? *shrug* Quit trying to make love blossom where it won't grow. Maybe like Rihanna, you'll find love in a hopeless place.
GOD PLACES PEOPLE IN STRATEGIC PLACES. I can't say it simpler than that. God places people right where you need them. You just have to realize it, and appreciate it. S/O to the most gorgeous Zednani St. John for being there for me when I thought I didn't need anyone to be. She always had the right words. Always. To Brenda Garcia for a more than amazing ride of friendship. To Vanessa Anyoti and Limunga Mingo for unwavering love and support and FUN! To Victoria Reese, Jonathan Eigege, Khushboo Gulabrai, Sean Markwei, Toyin Ogusanya, Christine and Katie IK and Kofi for their amazing sense of humour and company when I needed it the most. To everyone who reached out to me one way or the other, the love never dies. You know this.
MUSIC!!!! I can confidently say that I spent almost everyday longing to be in a studio singing out my lungs. I am in love with music. 2010 taught me that I wasn't a good writer. 2011 taught me that I could learn to be, and I'm working on it. I wrote three songs that I really love. And was in the studio for half a second over the summer. :-) I'm actually looking into modelling too right now, so yeah, music and modelling I guess. :-) Is there now a pattern to finding out what I really love? what else starts with an "M"? lol
THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL LIES WITHING YOU. I'm not going to make this unnecessarily long. Just one sentence - Before you can be totally comfortable, and not need the attention of any other person to feel good about yourself, you have to genuinely love yourself.
WISHING AND WAITING CAN BE COSTLY. Trust me, I would know. I'm not one to really push the whole "Life is short" thing, but honestly? It passes you by when you spend a good part of it wishing and waiting for something, when you could be working and achieving something else. If it's not happening, let it go. There's only so much that time can tell. If it doesn't wait for you, why wait for it? On to the next one.
I REALLY DO LOVE MY COUNTRY. I knew I loved Nigeria, but I didn't know I loved it this much. These bombings, corruption and a government with misplaced priorities have broken my heart greatly. I'm constantly on my knees for my country, and for God to step in and make the change happen. I just try to imagine this country with peace, without corruption, and with good leadership. #oneday.
A year full of manyyy experiences. There are some that created memories I want to hold on to forever. Others make me remember things that I am not proud of. Whichever way, I'm learning that regrets? They just don't cut it. Making memories and learning lessons, however, do.
That's what 2011 taught me... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
DEATH IS STILL A BITCH. You never get used to the pain of losing people you love. It's unbelievable pain, and just living in the reality that you will feel that pain again is scary. Chuka Okeke & Azubah Ityav, I miss you more than words than say. I still feel the pain of your departure like a fresh wound. Keep smiling down on me, and when I'm bout to do something wrong, smack me. :-)
LOVE IS OVERRATED. I know it's about love, but it's not only about love. People sit and write all these beautiful quotes that sound good only on paper and not in action. They say if you love someone, tell them before it's too late. Do they ever say what to do when the person just doesn't feel the same way? They say love doesn't give up if it really wants something. Do they ever say what to do when you can't, don't or won't get it? *shrug* Quit trying to make love blossom where it won't grow. Maybe like Rihanna, you'll find love in a hopeless place.
GOD PLACES PEOPLE IN STRATEGIC PLACES. I can't say it simpler than that. God places people right where you need them. You just have to realize it, and appreciate it. S/O to the most gorgeous Zednani St. John for being there for me when I thought I didn't need anyone to be. She always had the right words. Always. To Brenda Garcia for a more than amazing ride of friendship. To Vanessa Anyoti and Limunga Mingo for unwavering love and support and FUN! To Victoria Reese, Jonathan Eigege, Khushboo Gulabrai, Sean Markwei, Toyin Ogusanya, Christine and Katie IK and Kofi for their amazing sense of humour and company when I needed it the most. To everyone who reached out to me one way or the other, the love never dies. You know this.
MUSIC!!!! I can confidently say that I spent almost everyday longing to be in a studio singing out my lungs. I am in love with music. 2010 taught me that I wasn't a good writer. 2011 taught me that I could learn to be, and I'm working on it. I wrote three songs that I really love. And was in the studio for half a second over the summer. :-) I'm actually looking into modelling too right now, so yeah, music and modelling I guess. :-) Is there now a pattern to finding out what I really love? what else starts with an "M"? lol
THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL LIES WITHING YOU. I'm not going to make this unnecessarily long. Just one sentence - Before you can be totally comfortable, and not need the attention of any other person to feel good about yourself, you have to genuinely love yourself.
WISHING AND WAITING CAN BE COSTLY. Trust me, I would know. I'm not one to really push the whole "Life is short" thing, but honestly? It passes you by when you spend a good part of it wishing and waiting for something, when you could be working and achieving something else. If it's not happening, let it go. There's only so much that time can tell. If it doesn't wait for you, why wait for it? On to the next one.
I REALLY DO LOVE MY COUNTRY. I knew I loved Nigeria, but I didn't know I loved it this much. These bombings, corruption and a government with misplaced priorities have broken my heart greatly. I'm constantly on my knees for my country, and for God to step in and make the change happen. I just try to imagine this country with peace, without corruption, and with good leadership. #oneday.
A year full of manyyy experiences. There are some that created memories I want to hold on to forever. Others make me remember things that I am not proud of. Whichever way, I'm learning that regrets? They just don't cut it. Making memories and learning lessons, however, do.
That's what 2011 taught me... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
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