PERCEPTIONS...LIVING DOWN TO THE NEGATIVE ONES?

        If you've ever taken time to read my bio on this blog at all, you'll see what I say about people's perceptions about me. Those that like me call me amazing. Those that don't call me pathetic. I have no idea about those that are in the middle, but that's just some of the stuff I've heard. Ohhhhhhh wait. The last one I heard was "Selfish bitch". [Lmao!!] So yeah, you see, people have some reeeaaaaallllly diverse opinions of me. But you see, people's opinions of you can only be as much as you show them.
        People's perceptions about you are built in several different ways. I'm a communications major, and I'm pretty sure you will fall asleep if I begin to rant about different perception theories and shit, so I'm not going to do that. However, I will say that perceptions are always built off of something. There has to be something that you do or say that makes someone perceive you the way they do. Unfortunately, these perceptions might not always be the greatest ones. That someone perceives me as a selfish bitch is not a great thing. [I just could honestly care less, cause I mean, if you want to pull out the speck in my eye before the log in yours, I think we gon have a problem. *evil grin* Anyway..] So yeah, perceptions are not always that great, but doesn't mean that they can't be. Some perceptions that people have of you are positive ones. To make my point though, I'm going to stick with negative perceptions.
        I'm going to make the assumption, and I want to think that it is a safe one too, that no one really likes it when there is this negative perception that people have about them, especially when these people have never really met them. Everyone wants a chance to be able to prove themselves before they get judged, or before conclusions are made about them. It's only in our human nature to want others to see the good in us, and call us out for the good only. Because of this innate attribute of humans, we get frustrated when we hear all these negative stuff about us. And it's okay for us to not want to hear those things, but do we ever take time to understand that there is a difference between someones perceptions and what we really are? A lot of the time we fail to realize that what is more important is who we are and how we respond to the negative perceptions of us.
         It bothers me when I see people who get so upset about the negative perceptions others have about them, but go on by all means to prove them right. I say it bothers me because I have come in contact with people who give me this whole speech about how badly others misread their actions or just even judge them based off of common stereotypes, but as soon as the speech is over, I turn around and the next time I see them, they are walking right into the words that they were mad at. Here's my point - You cannot be mad at people for giving you a reputation when you willingly choose to live it out. You can't be mad at someone that says your mean if you are actually mean. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a whore if you're actually a whore. You can't be mad at someone who says you're a bully if you're actually a bully. Honestly though, what are you even thinking!?
        Perceptions are nothing permanent at all. They change in a split second. Nevertheless, they last a long ass time as well. People may have perceptions about you, but how you respond to those perceptions is what becomes a reality. If people have a false perception about you that makes you unhappy, you should be able to prove that it is false. If you cannot do that, isn't there some truth in it? Afterall, "perception IS reality" right?If you cannot prove a perception or reputation about yourself wrong, then you need to take some time and think about it, especially if it tempers with your comfort levels. I am in no way saying listen to all the shit that people are saying about you and take it all in and try to show them at all costs that they are mistaken. No. You don't live for other people. What I am saying is, if you truly are what you say you are, people will see it. Granted there are some perceptions about yourself you will not ever be able to change by staying true to who you are because people have their minds made up. Is that okay? Absolutely; because anyone who makes up their mind about you without giving you an opportunity to change it probably doesn't belong in your life anyway.
         I heard something recently that broke my heart. A group of people who are constantly talking about the negative perceptions that people have of them just nicely lived up to the reputation they were given. If you are aware that the reputation is not a good one, why would you live up to it? It is not my place to judge anyone, and if you know me, I do not like to judge people, but there comes a point where you can unarguably tell stuff that just aint cool. I lost total respect for these people because of this, and it makes me sad, because whenever I look at them now, that's all I can think of. I swear, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
         People are going to think what they want to think. Some you can change and some, you can't. If you think the way to live is to affirm negative perceptions and reputations that you have, then by all means, be my guest. However, the next time someone calls a mouse a mouse, don't fight them. Don't get mad or upset. Accept it, and move on. Cause all they see is a mouse; when you show them a mouse, they'll have no choice other than to believe it.

   
          So you see, the person who called me a selfish bitch probably wouldn't take a million dollars to change her mind, or to say otherwise, (and I'm still searching for a damn to give on this one..lmao) but that's not who I'm living for. The people who think I'm pathetic may take that perception to their graves, and again, those are not who I'm living for. Me, on the other hand, am doing my best to remain true to who I am, and to always do what I know is right. Not that I really care, but if I eventually prove their perceptions wrong, then great! But I would rather have them keep their perceptions as perceptions, than for me to act upon them, and make them a reality by living down to them and affirming them.

That's perceptions...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~
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2011 ... NO REGRETS, ONLY LESSONS LEARNED.

As usual, every year comes with a few lessons that you have to learn before it's over. 2011 brought me many lessons, and some of those were a hard pill to swallow. Here are some of the most important things I learned this year:

DEATH IS STILL A BITCH. You never get used to the pain of losing people you love. It's unbelievable pain, and just living in the reality that you will feel that pain again is scary. Chuka Okeke & Azubah Ityav, I miss you more than words than say. I still feel the pain of your departure like a fresh wound. Keep smiling down on me, and when I'm bout to do something wrong, smack me. :-)

LOVE IS OVERRATED. I know it's about love, but it's not only about love. People sit and write all these beautiful quotes that sound good only on paper and not in action. They say if you love someone, tell them before it's too late. Do they ever say what to do when the person just doesn't feel the same way? They say love doesn't give up if it really wants something. Do they ever say what to do when you can't, don't or won't get it? *shrug* Quit trying to make love blossom where it won't grow. Maybe like Rihanna, you'll find love in a hopeless place.

GOD PLACES PEOPLE IN STRATEGIC PLACES. I can't say it simpler than that. God places people right where you need them. You just have to realize it, and appreciate it. S/O to the most gorgeous Zednani St. John for being there for me when I thought I didn't need anyone to be. She always had the right words. Always. To Brenda Garcia for a more than amazing ride of friendship. To Vanessa Anyoti and Limunga Mingo for unwavering love and support and FUN! To Victoria Reese, Jonathan Eigege, Khushboo Gulabrai, Sean Markwei, Toyin Ogusanya, Christine and Katie IK and Kofi for their amazing sense of humour and company when I needed it the most. To everyone who reached out to me one way or the other, the love never dies. You know this.

MUSIC!!!! I can confidently say that I spent almost everyday longing to be in a studio singing out my lungs. I am in love with music. 2010 taught me that I wasn't a good writer. 2011 taught me that I could learn to be, and I'm working on it. I wrote three songs that I really love. And was in the studio for half a second over the summer. :-) I'm actually looking into modelling too right now, so yeah, music and modelling I guess. :-) Is there now a pattern to finding out what I really love? what else starts with an "M"? lol

THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL LIES WITHING YOU. I'm not going to make this unnecessarily long. Just one sentence - Before you can be totally comfortable, and not need the attention of any other person to feel good about yourself, you have to genuinely love yourself.

WISHING AND WAITING CAN BE COSTLY. Trust me, I would know. I'm not one to really push the whole "Life is short" thing, but honestly? It passes you by when you spend a good part of it wishing and waiting for something, when you could be working and achieving something else. If it's not happening, let it go. There's only so much that time can tell. If it doesn't wait for you, why wait for it? On to the next one.

I REALLY DO LOVE MY COUNTRY. I knew I loved Nigeria, but I didn't know I loved it this much. These bombings, corruption and a government with misplaced priorities have broken my heart greatly. I'm constantly on my knees for my country, and for God to step in and make the change happen. I just try to imagine this country with peace, without corruption, and with good leadership. #oneday.

    A year full of manyyy experiences. There are some that created memories I want to hold on to forever. Others make me remember things that I am not proud of. Whichever way, I'm learning that regrets? They just don't cut it. Making memories and learning lessons, however, do.

That's what 2011 taught me... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

MY STRANGER III

Dear Stranger,

It'll be the last time.

Not because I'm done letting you know how I feel. The reason? I've finally acquired that strength I've looked for for so many years. It's standing right at my doorstep, and I'm about to let it in, but first, I'mma have to let you out; and I plan on doing that with these last words.
       You see, on one hand, not many people go through what I've had to go through with you. On the other hand, I don't know what to say about those that have. There's something that we constantly search for without success. I'm not sure if it's the love that we long to be reciprocated, or the strength that we long to find to successfully move past the likes of you. I'm lying here on this bed, thinking of things that once reminded me of you - the times we laughed and kissed under the sun, the times we fought and walked out on each other. I'm listening to things that once reminded me of you - the love songs that want to be with someone, those that despise someone, those that want someone to love them back. I learned to be a little more careful about my diction when it regarded you, so permit me to explain my use of the word "once". Throwback roughly about 3 months ago. I'd be remembering those times, and listening to all this music...and crying - unhappy and wishing.    Well here's what 3 months can do. I'm lying here, on this bed, with the widest smile on my face - happy, and trusting.

       Granted, this is not the first time I've said stuff like this. It's amazing even to me, how much I've learned about myself in a hundred and something days. Here's three - I hate to flip out on people because that's just not me. [except i'm pushed to the wall]. I'm a better person than I gave myself credit for [God showed me], and most importantly, it's easy to let go of people once you understand exactly how you feel about them. I've finally made up my mind about you. I'm done with all the wishing. I'm done with waiting time out to see. I'm done with handing out second, third, fourth chances like dollar bills. I'm done with praying and telling God to give me something he's constantly saying no to. I'm done loving you. And yes, I'm comfortable saying that now. **smileee**
     However, I have to acknowledge all the good stuff. You taught me so much it's unbelievable. You taught me that it's okay to not be so perfect, because imperfection is beauty. You taught me that I could believe in people, even when no one believed in them. You taught me the importance of maintaining relationships. You taught me the beauty of hurt and pain, and the joy of losing emotions in tears. One thing... the greatest thing you have ever taught me, is to accept strength when it comes, and move on. Unbreakable strength is at my door asking to be let in, but you know this - that we lose something to every strength that we receive. I tried to lose a lot of things in exchange for that strength, but all the stuff came right back to me, cause I wasn't sending out the right thing. I had tried everything... everything... but you. Right now, the only thing that stands between me and that strength is you. I already feel some of it, and judging by what I've felt so far, I think sending you out that door is worth every. single. bit. of that strength.

 
      So, with these words, this is me sending you out that door, and out of my life. I'm taking the strength. It'll last longer than you ever did, and it can promise healing that you never could nurture. I wish you all the good things that life has to offer. and before I say have a good life, here's my last piece of advice.

You just did by losing me. Don't do it again.

I'll make a confession that my heart is overjoyed to reveal.
I don't miss you. Instead, it feels good to finally, ... be free.
annnnnnnnnndddd now I can say it. Have a good life. :-)

Goodbye stranger.
Please remain a stranger to me... Forever.

This will be the last letter...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

Photo credit 1 Photo credit 2 Photo credit 3

...IF YOU WERE ME, YOU WOULD PANIC TOO.

It wasn't long after I decided to take a little nap that I started getting calls. From my uncle - calm but highly unusual. From my aunt - not calm, and highly unusual. I KNEW something was wrong.
     "Your brother called me screaming over the phone that he needed help! His stomach!" everything that came after that, is a total blur. I had to start my own calls. Called several people without answers, and out of choices, I remembered one last person I hadn't called. This, should've been my first call. My brother was in the hospital, suffering from an excruciating stomach ache, had puked about 9 times in 4 hours, and was coughing up a little bit of blood. First medical center put him in an ambulance and started taking him to where he could get better help. Then I get a text "I can't really text right now, but he's still unstable." At this point tears are coming down my eyes, I'm trying to get in touch with my parents, keep my aunt updated, get more information from his friend, and do all these things at the same time. Through my confusion, I put all these things on hold for a minute, got down on my knees, and told God what was on my mind. "See I don't know how, but there's power, when I'm on my knees."
     After praying, I got back to my phone grind. answering and making calls, and trying to get all this information. I got a call saying he was in the ER, and finally getting professional attention. Shortly after, he calls me and says he was stabilized and doing fine. *sigh of relief* So I made all the calls I needed to make, saying he was stabilized but test results were soon to be released. I got off the couch to the kitchen. Made some indomie [noodles], and as I turned off the burner, about to serve my plate of food, I get another call from my brother. "I'm going in for surgery in the next one hour". My stomach dropped, and so did my jaw. I could only ask why, but I couldn't get professional answers. I made another round of calls updating people on the current situation, and immediately started looking for tickets to fly to Michigan. This was at about 10:35 pm, December 2nd. I dished out my food and went to the computer. If I have ever exaggerated, not now. I had THREE forks of my noodles, and decided eating wasn't going to do it for me. I lost all appetite, and I felt like I was in another world. This was not the night that I had planned.
      I bought my ticket, and began to pack my bags, and look for rides to the airport. My flight was scheduled for 7am, so I had to leave my apartment at 5 at the latest, and no cabs were available for that time. [This has never happened to me before]. I finally got a friend to give me a ride to the airport, and stuff. I didn't sleep the whole night. Left for the airport at 5, checked in, boarded and was on my en route to Michigan. I had a really short layover at Cleveland but I made it to Grand Rapids at 9:30. God worked on my behalf and provided a ride that was waiting for me to arrive at the airport. I got picked up and we drove to the hospital.
       This is when shit got real. I had made this whole trip, but somehow, this wasn't real to me. It had all happened wayy too fast and it just wasnt happening at all in my head. I walked through the door, and there was my brother. On the hospital bed. with tubes all down his right arm from the drip, and a tube up his nose. I swallowed reallllly hard. Kept swallowing hard because I was trying to fight all the tears that were coming to my eyes. I had to be strong for him. I held his hand, and he opened his eyes, and said "you're here", and smiled. Pause and understand one thing. I HATE HOSPITALS. H-a-t-e them. But at that moment, there was nowhere else in the world that I would rather have been. Nowhere.
      The nurse came in and we excused her so she could take the tube out his nose. They took him for a short walk a little ways down the corridor and then back when he was tired. My lil' man is strong! Believe it. This wasn't even 12 hours after surgery and he was walking! Ah! What God does! Anyway, he got back in bed, and we got visitors the whole day. People from school, friends of family, everyone. Now, i'm sitting here with him. Just the two of us. He's fast asleep and has been for the past hour and 10 minutes. I'm so grateful because that's the longest he has gotten to sleep the whole day.
      Through every step, all I could do was thank God. Yes, he's in pain and lying on a hospital bed, and I've had to fight tears since I walked through that door. But there are many more places he could be lying right now, and with that being said, I'm more than grateful to God that it's a hospital bed. All the love and support from all those that truly care has been amazing, and as I sit on this couch and write all this stuff, I may cry, but I can't complain. God has been wayy too faithful for me to complain. I mobilized prayer from as many places as I could, and what do you know, the prayer of the righteous availeth much!

      I was definitely freaked out about everything, and panicked a lot of the time. After reading this, you may probably think that I had no reason to, but let me tell you this: When it all comes down to the life of someone you love more than yourself, shit gets REAL. I love my brother. More than I love myself. And if I had to pay an outrageous amount of money for a ticket to be here as early as possible this morning, then I did. If I had to skip classes, work, and appointments to be here, then I did. Because someone matters to me. Live for the people you love, and those that matter the most to you while you still have the chance.

If you were me, you would have panicked too.

That is all... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

THE SAFE ZONE...

My roommate suggested that I blog about tampons. Bad idea. So, I'mma roll with something else instead.
                                                             ~~~~~*****~~~~~
I've drawn my own conclusions.

It's thanksgiving season. A lot of good food and turkey. Good time with family and friends, and if you're a college student like me, it's that time of the semester where you're just like "i'll take anything but school right now". I get the feeling. Trust me. There are some people or things that you do not want to have to see everyday, some people or things that just make you mad with their presence, and a whole bunch of home work that you do not want to do. yes, all of that. So you need somewhere to go just to get away from stuff, and have a little break.  You know, get away from craziness.
     Tell me though. Do you actually ever get away from craziness? You go home to a grand father who's terminal, or parents seeking a divorce. Someone's not going to be coming for thanksgiving dinner because there's some conflict and tension somewhere in the family.Maybe thanksgiving for you isn't even making turkey and stuffing, but going to visit grandma at the elderly home, and playing cards with her when she barely remembers who you are. Maybe it's going to visit your sibling in jail with tears in your eyes wishing they were never there in the first place. Maybe it's waking up to an ordinary day where everyone is just a member of a family and not a family. No, you didn't just get away from craziness. You got to it.

     You know how people say life is short? Forget about all those beautiful quotes. Life is as long as it cud ever get, and it comes with troubles everyday. You constantly have to deal with stuff that you never thought you'd have to deal with, and you have to make adjustments everyday to accommodate unexpected situations and circumstances. You have to be in thinking mode all the time to ensure that you're making the right decisions and doing the right things. As overwhelming as life gets sometimes, you have to be able to withstand a lot of stuff, and just. keep. fighting.

    My drawn conclusion? We never get away from craziness. There is NO safe zone.

Agree or disagree. Do as you please. But I'll tell you one thing. The more you try to get away from craziness, the more craziness you get; and remember, the more craziness you get, the less you have to be thankful for. It's just that simple. Life is long. and the only way you can spend it fruitfully and thankfully, is learning to deal with craziness - situations or people. Once again, it's easier said than done. But you only start to believe in your ability to deal with shit, when you tell yourself that you can. Running away from a situation never makes it better. Turning your back to a wave approaching the bank doesn't make it stop coming. Shutting your eyes in the sunlight doesn't make the sun yet. You need to be able to deal with somethings and then find space to move on. You should be concerned about what direction you're moving in, and not where you're standing, because the moment you begin to think that you stand firm, you'll begin to fall.

      I know a little bit of craziness in my life, and I've just decided to deal with it, and move on. I've told myself that no matter what, I'm going to be happy and continue to be the person that God wants me to be. Craziness  won't change that. Therefore, I'm very thankful. To God for the opportunity to live life and express myself. I'm thankful for the amazing family that God has given me to mold me through their loving kindness, and to continually build me into the person that God has destined me to be. I'm thankful for my friends, and the amazing support system that he has provided me with. Because I try to face the craziness, I'm able to let go of all of it, and find something to be thankful for this season.
    You may be going through craziness - silly childish stuff, or real life important stuff. There is no safe zone, but you can definitely find one in Jesus when you begin to realize that your thankfulness beats your craziness to the ground. Find something this season to be thankful for.

That's the safe zone... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

Photo credit  Photo credit Photo credit

SO BASICALLYYYYYY...

         I've been judged many times in my life, and to be candid, I don't know what any of it has been based off of - the way I dress, the people I hang out with, where I come from, my family or background - whatever else. I have been thought to be rude and mean, arrogant and conceited. I know those of you who know me are probably like  whaaaaa? I know. *one eyebrow up and nodding* Best believe it.
         This one time, I even had people invite me to their church because they believed that I didn't have salvation. [yup, I know]. A couple of weeks later, my roommate and I got mail from the church. They were pretty lucky I opened mine. My roommates went right to the trash - sealed and unopened. Why? We were judged right before we got into the church by the people that took us there. Then, the pastor had something good to prophesy about everyone else that came with the group from my school apart from me and my roommate. He said in his prophecy that we 'need salvation'. He was literally pushing my head [and my roommate's] so hard so we would fall because every other person he laid hands on fell. If we weren't moved by the spirit to fall, we were not going to fall. Precisely because, God cannot be mocked. People looked at us weird for not falling, but what are we saying about God if we just fell because other people were falling? *sigh*

        Social networking has made the world in such a way that you know only as much as people choose to show you, and you take it because you have no choice. There are a million people out there who get on facebook, twitter, blogs, tumblr, blah blah blah, and say all the negative stuff they want about God because they don't care. Other people on the other hand, get on there, and say the most beautiful things about God. half of them really mean it, but for the other half, all that is a cover up for what they really do. You see people walking around singing Jesus, and you never know what goes on behind closed doors because you're never let in.

Until you're let in those doors, you're closed to the reality that people actually believe that they can mock God.
      I'm not saying this because I think that I'm perfect. My flaws are infact, the greatest part of me. And I refuse to come on here and be all judgmental about people cause of the things I see going on around me, but I can't help but wonder how God feels sometimes. You try to talk down to people when you do worse stuff than they do. You sing the praises of God the loudest, yet you disobey him the most. You use God only so the world cannot see what's in your closet. I totally disagree with this lifestyle. If you're going to do dirt, then leave God out of it. You cannot be on the fence when it comes to Him. You're either with him, or you're not, and trying to associate with him when you're not with him is never the way to go.
      You may not care, but take time to think about what you're saying about God to people who know the way you live. I mean, God is forgiving, but that does not mean we should take him for granted. If you think that no one will ever know the shit you do, just remember that nothing.. NOTHING... is hidden under the sun, and every now and then, the water runs past the river bank. Use whatever else you want to get over the stuff you hide from the world, but once you start to use God? Hunny you trippinnnn'.
    So basicalllyyyyyy, be careful what part God plays in your life, and try to make sure it's the right one.

That's basicallyy it... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

Photocredit http://media.photobucket.com/image/follow+the+crowd%3F+/prit_resistol/follow-the-crowd.jpg
http://nicolas-henri.deviantart.com/art/It-Dwells-Behind-Closed-Doors-63609966

MY STRANGER II

Dear Stranger,
...It's me. Again.
This time however, it's a much bigger and deeper cut. I'd love to say that I know where to start, but with you, there's never really a beginning... or an end. There's just always a more than complicated "in-between". A lot of times, I wish that it wasnt as complicated as it always is. This time, the straw broke the camels back.
     I need vocabulary more than I have to be able to express these feelings. They're more than even my mind can comprehend, and it's totally unreal. I don't even get me anymore. I don't recognise this person I am when it comes to you. I tell myself that I cannot do certain things, and when I think about you, I end up telling myself that I can. I said I wouldnt fall again, trust again, believe again. When it comes to you, it's as though I don't even have a choice. I just fall, trust and believe. This is not me. I don't know who this person is; this person that says something and does another. I don't recognize her. She smiles without a reason to. She runs into walls lost in thought. She always wants to call or text you, and wishes its you when her phone goes off. She loves without a peice of herself. This girl? No. I don't know her. I recognize the me that says I won't do something, and stick to it. The me that makes my choices. The me that gets irritated at every couple of texts. The me that always loves half-heartedly because of the fear of getting hurt. That's the me I know.
    No one has ever made me feel like I am another person in a happier world that I constantly long to be in. You would make me feel that way, and STILL be a stranger. I don't get what it is with you. You take me halfway, the let me walk the rest of the road alone. Why would you start the walk with me if you don't intend to cross the finish line with me? Why would you take my hand and not hold it? Why would you make me stand and not be my support? Why would you make me love, and then hurt me? I wish I understood. But every time I wish, you remind me.. It's only a wish.
   It's been an eternity of trying to figure out what it is with us. An eternity suggests the longest time I can think of. I keep telling myself time will tell - my feelings and reality - but you know, there's only so much time tells, before I have to listen to my head, and quit following my heart. My heart brings out the person in me that I don't recognize. My head brings out the me in me that I know. And even though my heart keeps telling me to give it another shot, my head is saying it's not worth the fall again. If I ever told myself that I couldn't move on, you were the one thing I needed to prove to me that I could.
   I'm not bitter, mad, or angry. I'm just hurt, but I'm learning to live each day as it comes, knowing that nothing really lasts forever. I knew that I was wishing on a star that was not going to fall, but I wished anyway, hoping that if it was worth it, I could go get it. For so long I thought it was worth it, and chose to believe it, but hey, the best things in life are totally free, and whatever comes at a price, I definitely do without. Easy said? Certainly. Easy done? Not the slightest bit. But I've learned to accept my pain, and fight through it, because from this pain comes the will and power to move on.
    I'm not going to say that I can move on in the blink of an eye. I can't. I'm not going to say that I can think about my life without you in it. I can't. I'm not going to say that I will forget you, and everything I've been through because of you. Not happening. What I can comfortably say is, I'm slowly acquiring the ability to live without the people that I love. My first teacher was death. My second has been you.

There's one true confession that my soul bleeds to reveal.

Good-bye.... Stranger
Please remain a stranger to me... FOREVER. :-)

That's Stranger Part II... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

[Keep up with 'The Stranger Series'... Find part I in my archive!]
Photo credit: http://www.layoutsparks.com/1/196158/i-miss-you-42-1.html

ASK YOURSELF...

... are you celebrating your success, or someone else's failure?

       If you know anything about me and sports, I am literally the biggest fan of the Golden Tornado Basketball and Volleyball teams. [If you don't know who the golden tornado's are, google them.] I was at a volleyball game yesterday, and the girls were battling for the 1st position in the PAC [President's Athletic Conference] with the Bethany College Bisons. As usual, I sit there, and pray all through the game for these girls. Minus having a relationship off the court with some of them, volleyball has always been one of my favorites. We won the first game 25-19, and I was like well, expected. you know. Our girls kick ass. The second game, we lost 25-16. That was when I realised that this was actually a battle. I didn't stop praying. Third game, we won 25-19 and the fourth we won 25-15. LIKE #BAWSES.
     This was an amazing win! The Bisons had an overall record of like 24 wins and 3 losses before they played The Golden Tornadoes, and we had lost to them before. It was much more than a good feeling to win this one. Besides, when the Bison girls started to cheer, they were loud and annoying. There were certainly moments when I was totally ticked off by their loud and veryyyy annoying cheers, and wished I could somehow shut them up. I didn't really need to though. Us winning was definitely enough to quiet them down after, and that made me happy. But as I walked away from the gym yesterday evening, it somehow crossed my mind to ask myself what I was most happy about - That our girls won, or that the Bisons lost. Trsut me, they are not the same thing.
     You see, life is a very unfortunate adventure sometimes. It just happens that wherever there is a competition, there has to be a winner, and there has to be a loser. It is naturally ingrained in our human nature to want to be the best at everything and win. Therefore, everyone wants to win. Winning is the good side.Winning is what brings all the good feelings and senses of accomplishment. Winning is everythinG. [capital 'g' there is intentional]. However, do you ever take time to understand the mindset you have after winning? Yes, you won, and that is something to be happy about. But are you also happy at another man's loss? Think about it carefully. There are also times when you will lose. Losing is the bad side. No one wants to lose to anyone else. Losing brings feelings of inadequacy, and senses of failure. I won't say losing is nothing [you'll understand if you read my last post], but losing isn't half of what winning is. You lose, and that is nothing to be happy about. Think about the mindset you have after you lose. Are you sad that they won, or sad that you lost? Think about it carefully. You see how it's different?
     It's important to realise that life is a snafu. Things go up and the very next moment their right back down. You can never predict the happenings of life, and therefore, can never be all time winning or all time losing. Because of this, it is very significant that you understand what mindset you have when you're winning or when you're losing, because you never know where you're going to be next. As I walked on court to congratulate the GT's and celebrate with them, I looked over to my right, and the Bison's were in a circle, I'm guessing with their coach in the middle saying something to them. For a moment I felt a little for them. And don't get me wrong, I was anything more than happy that our girls won, but a part of me still felt that compassion for this other team. Failure is not easy for anyone, especially great people, and you only realise that when you can step into their shoes and feel it yourself.
      You by no means, have to put out someone's light to make yours shine brighter. If you're a winner, be happy that you won, and don't have the mindset of focusing on the loss of the other person. You may be the next person to maybe not even only step in the shoes of failure, but as much as walk in them. If you lose, don't  have the mindset that focuses on the negative feelings toward the winner. Focus on yourself and what you can do to get better and improve. You may be the next person to maybe not even only step in the shoes of success, but walk in them.
      I just thought somebody needed to know this.

That's all about asking yourself ...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

EVERY BROKENNESS, EVERY SCAR

You know... or not. No, you don't know. But I'll tell you.

Sometimes I get in the shower just because I want to cry. Not even you can tell your tears apart from water in the shower. Sometimes someone else gets the job over me. Sometimes I sit to talk to God, and I can only ask questions that I never seem to get answers to. Sometimes I stand in the rain hoping it would wash away all those memories that I want to get rid of. Sometimes I'm all alone even when I could do with the least bit of company. Sometimes I watch those sad tragic movies, and feel like I'm watching a reflection of myself. Sometimes I just need to talk but that's when everyone is busy.
        Don't be so quick to judge me though. Everyone has some of those moments. Those moments when things go terribly wrong and don't seem to ever get better, and neither crying yourself to sleep, or believing what helps you sleep at night works. It's kinda depressing that all those times that you wish you would forget are the ones that never really take the back seat in your head. They sit in front as a constant reminder to all the pain, hurt, and distressing stuff you've been through. They torment you with all the terrible memories, when you'd rather want them buried off somewhere that even you can't find them. We end up being enemies to these memories and negative times in our lives, and all we can really think about is what we were like before these situations, and what we are like right now, after them - the shift from wholeness to brokenness, and beauty to scars. No one wants to remember that they were once whole, and now are broken, or once beautiful, and now are all scarred.
        As human beings we make everything negative, negative. It's not in our human nature to make anything negative, positive. However, right in the middle of deep brokenness and the most obvious scars, there's the most beautiful story. Your story. Call me insane or naiive, or believe it. Think about those people with a former drug and alcohol addiction, or eating disorder, or depression, or someone that has had an abortion, or someone that has been sexually abused. Have you ever wondered how these people ever rise out of those positions to tell their stories to hugeee numbers of people? Think about it. Every little time that you've cried yourself to sleep, or been hurt by someone you loved, or lost a friend, a mother, a loved one, or felt like the world everyone else was living in was different, or been the victim in any form or situation; ALL those times have played a vital role in building the strength in the person that stares back at you when you look in the mirror. The book of your life, your story, and ultimately YOU, would be incomplete without all the chapters of hurt, pain and distress. The reason you are able to stand in all the strength that you do, is not because you hate what has happened to you, and don't ever want to remember it. It is because you embrace every little bit of it, and tell yourself that you want to rise above it, and become the best person that you can be.
         There is grandeur in every brokenness, and splendor in every scar - physical or emotional. And that grandeur and splendor is you taking something undesirable and destructive, and turning it into strength that cannot be explained, and a story that has to be told! It's most certainly easier said than done, but instead of liking the person that you are - one that just takes whatever comes like it comes, love the person that you have the potential to be - the person that makes greatness of brokenness, and splendor of scars. Why? Because there's a little bit of you in every brokenness and every scar, and once you make greatness and splendor out of them, you make greatness and splendor out of who you are.
        So you see, wounded and pained? Yes. Broken and shattered to pieces? Absolutely. However, instead of looking at myself and remembering how flawless I used to be, I take another look and see how far I've come. It took all the hurt and suffering to become what I've become. Now, I'm more than content because with God, I've emerged the most beautiful person from all that I have been through....Only because I realized that there's a little bit of me in every brokenness and every single scar. :-)

That's every brokenness, and every scar... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS??

...and by "this" i mean this thing that has now become a trend. Or let me not say "now become", because it may have always been a trend but has just taken me this long to figure it out. Either way, i want to understand "this" thing, but i'll first start by saying this. When you have something, you unintentionally mess with it because you have it. Because it's still there, you don't notice how bad you've messed with it. You repeat this a second time,  and when it's still there, you notice that you messed with it but it didn't go nowhere. So what happens the third time?
     "This" thing... i may not have a good command of diction, but just try to track me on this. He wants her... to just be there for him. That's basically it. If you've been through this (which i'm guessing will be a large population of girls reading this, because that's all i ever see anymore when i turn my head from one side to another), you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. He wont make an official girlfriend out of you, but he wants you to do all the things that girlfriends do, and to act like one. Then he gets mad when you do things that a single lady would do. (Fill in the blank with allllllll the things that single lady's do). I know that there are a lot of unwritten rules, and i dont know if it is just me, but i don't know the one that says that the man in a non-dating relationship is allowed to get mad at the lady when she acts like she's single.
     Yes, i say it has become a trend, because people i know, people i don't, all around the place, this circumstance has become the norm. Previously, i would have called girls that still hung around men like these pathetic, but not anymore. See, i'm a woman, and I've had only two serious relationships in my life, because when i love someone, i really do love them. Therefore, i can speak for women, and it would be at least a little accurate to say that if a woman doesn't walk out the door the very first time you take steps away, it means that she feels strongly. If she still doesnt walk out after some time of you not giving her the official go ahead to walk with her arm intertwined in yours on the streets, then she feels very strongly. This is where the foundation of "this" lies. Because these men know that their women feel so strongly, and wont walk away that easy, they want to do what they want to do, but have these women as a stable to always be there. (I may be wrong. But i'm trying to make the most accurate guess that i can.)
     There really isn't much i can do to understand this, because if i said i was going on a mission to understand boys, i'd be going on a wild goose chase. However, i may have an idea of how it works for the woman. Yes, women (with many exceptions) love, and are committed, and faithful and stuff. But there's only so much a woman, no matter what she feels, can take. She may hide tears with a smile, a depressed spirit with a song, a broken heart with words, but see, there's still strength and the will to move on; something that the whole world may never get to realize. Every woman has a breaking point, (I wasn't really quoting Keri Hilson, but whatever.) and when she gets there, she'll do what she can to get rid of whatever got her there. I cant vouch for all the women in the world, but i can say with a level of confidence that many will walk. With that being said, some boys just don't realise that they are on their way to creating some lady's breaking point, or even being it themselves (if that makes sense in your head like it does in mine).
       I'm not saying go around wifing every girl that seems to give a shit about you. That will be lame. Very lame indeed. What I'm saying is this. When you have something, you unintentionally mess with it because you have it. Because it's still there, you don't notice how bad you've messed with it. You repeat this a second time,  and when it's still there, you notice that you messed with it but it didn't go nowhere. So the third time, you mess with it intentionally because you know that no matter how far you'll walk, you'll come and find it right where you left it. This third time, you'll come back to a void, of not just no one, but nothing. it may take you 4,5,6,7, or even 8 times or more, but the moment you make it a habit of messing with something just because you know it will always be there, you'll lose it. No girl that gives you her heart and acts right deserves to be a trophy - just used for attention and pride because she's cute, decent, or just has a nice body. Also, no girl will always "just be there". Everyone has the capacity to move on in them. And any man that makes a trophy out of a lady, may just be the reason that she realises hers.


So, this is my own shot at a response to "this"... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~