....LOVE ME TONIGHT?

As my mood faded from amazing to terrible, I excused myself from the company of people, my computer screen, and the background noise of the television. I'm sitting on my bathroom floor right now - balling my eyes out so hard that it takes a moment to catch my breath. I'm trying to be discreet, cause no one needs to share what I feel, or know this pain. Let them revel in their happiness. Let me suffer it all... alone. God is somewhere... somewhere in this little bathroom, so technically, I'm not alone at this moment. However, it seems an awful lot like it.

"It's just emotions, taking me over..."

So I'll sit here. On this bathroom floor mat. And cry myself to fatigue. I'm a half hour in, and my eyes still hold the atlantic. It's going to be a long night, believe me. But this isn't new. I'm prepared - I'm talking to an electronic device that won't talk back, and I have two rolls of tissue right beside me; 6 more in the bathroom cabinet just in case the night runs longer than two.

Living in the moment becomes impossible with all this fear; the fear of going back to a haunted memory. It could be as simple as intense loneliness, but it's taken my weight; it's taken my mind; and most importantly, it's taken my happiness. What's left is my sanity, and I'm afraid I'm losing that too. So there you go. It's fear. Fear that I currently feel and lament over. Fear that will become my reality in just a couple of days. 9 to be specific, but uhh, who's counting?

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now..."

Thought I'd end there but I'm 45 minutes in. Still here. Still crying. I should pray. God knows how I feel, but he should hear it from me. Yes? He should hear what this is doing to me; how it's chipping away at my sound mind. He should know that I'm slowly losing it. I mean, he does know already, but he needs to hear it. From me.

"...see I don't know how but power when I'm on my knees."

I took a moment to kneel at the feet of the Most High, but I didn't know what to say; I didn't know how to pray. I tried to just say how I felt, but words couldn't describe it. I tried to ask for what I needed, but I still don't know what that is. Exactly an hour in.

It's only the second of January. Didn't take long for 2013 to throw me a blow. I'm still crying. I'm still wondering. I'm still fearing. I'm still... praying. I should get under a duvet, shut my eyes, and attempt to get sleep's favour. Cause I'm 62 minutes in and I in no way feel better than when I started crying. Soooo, this isn't going to get better?

It's annoying how we can't choose what blows come our way. Then again, who really wants a blow? This is the hardest I've ever had to take. I have scars... and it's still wounding.

An hour and seven long minutes. Tears. Pain. Hurt. Fear.
Dear sleep, Love me tonight?

That's my attempt at capturing helplessness...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

Photo Credit Photo Credit Photo Credit Photo Credit

ARE WE STILLLLL ON THAT?!

          So, I know my Banky W fever is officially over, but there's no denying that he's a pretty good-looking man, makes wonderful music, and has a head that I want to rub when I eventually meet him. In the studio. Yeah, I said it. But all that aside, I grew a new dimension of respect for Banky about a year and a half ago. While replying fan tweets on twitter, someone tweeted him and asked, "Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered if you were drunk the entire relationship?" The question didn't earn my respect, but the answer did. "I look at my ex and wonder if SHE was drunk the entire relationship." That was Banky's reply. (Disclaimer - the words are not verbatim as they were written. Its been a year and a half. I can't retrieve the tweets.)

         Anybody could have said that, yeah? Then anybody would have earned my respect. Unfortunately, anybody didn't. It's not rocket science to notice how the vast majority of people talk about their ex's. "If I saw my ex, I'd still hit that...with a bus." "Oh, I hear you're dating my ex. You want my sandwich too? Seems like you enjoy getting my leftovers." "I saw my ex's new girl/man. Such a downgrade." "Wow. He could have done better. She's so uglyyyy." The one quote about giving "used toys to the less fortunate" just makes me want to puke. Seriously, we're stillll on that?! Unfortunately, yes.

         People fall in love, and people break up. You fall in love, and you break up. Every experience is a story that becomes part of the journey that you're walking. I don't understand why anyone would choose to remain in  shallow privative speech. Granted, not every relationship turns out the way we would want it too. Sometimes you end up getting a lot more hurt and pain than you would have ever bargained for in a short lifetime. But let's face it. There's going to be a girl that's prettier than you, one than has more money, one that wears nicer clothes, one that's more attractive, one that you wish you could be... and that may be the one your ex decides to date right after you. There's going to be a guy with a nicer six pack, a better car or job, a nicer personality, a lot more handsome, one who wears the best suits, wristwatches and shoes... and that may be the one your ex decides to date right after you.

         Shit talking ex significant others does NOTHING for you. Take it, or well, leave it. I'm just rendering my opinion in space that i have created for that exact purpose. They may have done you dirty, but making them look bad through your speech for as long as you live doesn't undo what was done, and sooner or later, you begin to seem like a needy lowlife seeking unnecessary and unwarranted attention, just to prove that you got it all together and are better than the other person. It's okay to say things didn't end well, and explain why. What I greatly disagree with is all the negative talk about the persons choices, physical appearance, and just even life in general just because they are no longer with you. Seriously, ain't nobody got time for that. Live YOUR life, and although it could be hard as a hammer, try to move on. Try to stay positive and try to let your speech reflect that.

        I haven't been in perfect relationships. So I'm not saying all this because I haven't been hurt by someone that I had feelings for. I mean, who hasn't been, right? But trust me, there are girls prettier than me with a lot more money, exposure, style, charisma, etc. And I'd be happy if my ex's hit a jackpot with one of those. I'd say I set a standard they had to beat, and be proud of them and wish them the best, hoping I find a jackpot of my own.

        I would never have known how Banky W would reply that tweet. But he had a chance to tell basically the whole world that his ex girlfriend was shit, and he didn't. He put himself right back in her shoes. So I respect this man as an artist. But its so many of the little things that tell you who these people are apart from music. I may not know Banky on a personal level, but with just a few words, he earned a little more of my respect. I'd rub his head a second longer. :-)


Do you really have to put out someone's light to make yours shine brighter? Do you? Think about it.

That is stilllllll on that!... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

JUST A POEM...

So I got outta class and was waiting to catch the bus, and a thought crossed my mind, so I decided to write it down in my phone. 10 minutes later, this was the product.

Let this be my testimony,
that your heart found mine,
Let me love you eternally,
Eight times out of nine.

Let me hold your hand
And be proud that I got you,
Let's build a castle in the sand,
Where our fantasies go to.

Let's make a wish on a star,
That I can hold dear and trust,
So whenever you are far,
Counting on it becomes a must.

Let's make this one exchange
Take my heart and I'll take yours,
Forever will be our range,
All our beauty, all our flaws.


Don't know how much sense it makes. I wrote it in 10 minutes. Just thought I'd share.

That's just a poem... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

JUST TO HEAR YOU SAY...

Where are you?

I call... but no answer.

I search.. but no find.

I'm here. All alone. Broken.

To expect otherwise would be foolish of me.

to think that you'd be here... with me.. right now? No way.

I hurt you. I disappointed you. I wronged you.

I knew that I would face you.

What I didn't know was how hard it would be.

....and I'm still here. All alone. Broken.

You promised to always love me,

but right now, its the hardest thing I'm going to have to accept.

you said you won't give me more than I can handle,

and at this moment I'm wishing you didn't trust me so much.

Our relationship... that's blown.

Our love... that's been thrown.

And all I see of me through you right now... it's all unknown.

...and I'm still here. All alone. Broken.

They stare at me and judge me.

they haven't been where I've been.

But when I reach for you to come and save me,

The emptiness I feel from your absence is the void my fingers find.

I feel unworthy of your grace, undeserving of your beauty,

Your mercy is not for me, and your embrace could never be.

...and I'm still here. All alone. Broken.

Then at your feet you bring me... you desire a drink from my well.

How could you? Why should you? Why DO you?

It's impure... it's dirty... it's full of my failures and mistakes

It's all the things I wanna keep buried, 

your image on which I've drawn a permanent stain.

So I step back... holding tight to my bucket,

And under my breath I remind myself: my well is not fit to quench your thirst.

...and I'm still here. Not alone. But Broken.

Now you tell me it's not about your thirst but about mine.

I'm hungry for forgiveness, for peace and living water

but I'm not letting go of this bucket that can take out the misery and pain.

You tell me you want my burden, you tell me you want my hurt

You tell me you've seen my desperation, 

and remind me that I'm not dirt.

Your attempts to get me to let go of what I cling to

are convincing when you say that's the only way to get what I seek.

...and I'm still here. Not Alone. Still Broken.

Broken because you shouldn't love me... but you do.

Amazed because I don't deserve another chance, but you give it anyway.

Confused because I couldn't be a greater disappointment...

But that's when you look in my eyes, and say your grace is sufficient.

I'm defeated in my being... struggling deep down within, 

But you hold me and tell me that I could be nothing, but your child.

...and I'm still here. Not alone. And whole.

So let me run and get the others! 

That have wells just like I do,

That hold tight to their buckets, and bury the shame they've been.

Let them feel where you've touched me, and see what you've shown me.

Let them have what you've given me...

....Let them become what you've made me!!

Cause we all need this; to be at your feet, and receive forgiveness and peace.

To hold your hand, and feel your heart. 

To just hear you say... 

"You'll always be here. Never Alone. 

And because I'm here, You'll always be whole."

I wrote this for those of you who've done things that you feel like God can't forgive you for. "Jesus doesn't care what you've done before..." Just remember, you have to be willing to give it all up, and forgive yourself too. :-)

That is just to hear you say... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

HEARTFELT...

I'm a happy young girl... but sometimes, I breakdown.

Some people have actually told me I have a perfect life. Glad they noticed. (A little sarcasm in there) Truthfully though, I had a wonderful childhood, went to great schools, graduated college with a first class degree, have amazing parents who will do almost anything for me... and above all, I have Jesus. Jesus makes ALL things beautiful.

I've moved steadily through the stages of my life without qualms. As is the tradition, before every stage, I ask God for guidance, and he sees me through, no matter how incredibly hard they get. However, this stage I'm in at the moment, has to be the hardest I've been through so far.

Four and a half years ago when I made the decision to school outside the country, I knew it would be tough. I knew I'd face a lot of things that I'd have to deal with. If you're an international student, you get my drift. If you've heard me talk about my experience, you'd understand this too. A couple of months ago when I made the decision to go to graduate school where I didn't know anyone, and where I had never been before, I knew it would be tough... but I didn't know it would be this tough. Yes, it's harder than undergrad - expected; yes, its a new environment and takes some getting used to - expected; and yes, I've never been so alone in my entire life. Now this? NOT expected.

On the 11th of August, I left the bosom of my father's house and the company of some of my best friends for graduate school. Since that day, my only company has been the internet. Believe it or yes. I go to school alright, but I'm alone most of the time. I ride the bus alone, go to class and sit alone, come home alone. I go shopping alone, to restaurants alone, to church alone. The only time I meet up with people is when I have a group project. I spend my weekends cuddled up in my bed reading tweets about how much fun people are having with friends and family. I spend my evenings and nights doing homework, and readings for class. I dont remember the last time I got a hug, or had someone ask if I wanted to have lunch. This has been my life for the last 8 weeks. And for the first time today,

Do you ever realize how important being around people who actually care about you is? Imagine your life like mine for just one week. Bet you're going, "no way. that's impossible." Yeah, don't envy me. It's not fun. And remember, I can't just drive home for the weekend and forget about college life for a bit. Nope! So there, If I have ever understood the value of "people", it would be right now.

Don't ever wait to be all alone to understand the value that family and friends add to your life. Trust me, that company is something nothing else in the world can replace.  Not the internet. Not movies. Not food. Not shopping. Not getting your hair or nails done. Not smoking a pot of shisha or taking a shot. Simply, nothing. So today, tell someone how much their company means to you. Appreciate someone for asking you to lunch, or just saying hi and putting a smile on your face. The next time you find yourself in the company of someone you who truly gives a shit about you, be sure to let them know how much you appreciate them.

You can go an eternity without breaking, but one day will surely come, when you will feel alone. Don't let it happen.

So here's a little one to all the people who actually give a shit about me. :-)

That's about my heartfelt... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

Photo Credit Photo credit Photo Credit Photo Credit

Wha wha wha wha wha wha WHAT?!

This is a friends facebook status:
"LADIES: (Hypothetical situation) Say your man proposes to you, but the ring does not meet your expectation. What do you do? 1) Accept it because you love him, 2. Say no because you don't like the ring or 3. Compromise and change it later."

Majority of the ladies who answered leaned more towards 1 - Accept it because you love him. I leaned more towards 3 - Compromise and change it later. and my own later was like "real soon". If you're one of those that would pick number one, you're prolly repeating the title of this post in your head. Or out loud. Yeahhhh, I sound materialistic, and shallow. I don't really care. *shrug* If you want to stop reading now, feel free. If you with me till the end, leggo! (in my Trey Songz voice)

So, the reason many people gave #1 as an answer is because if he loves you, or if both of you are in love, a ring shouldnt really determine that. What matters is the intent behind the ring giving in the first place, and the fact that its "true love". "Love" was the word that just kept coming up. I understand all that, but I would agree only to a certain extent. First of all, if you don't like your engagement ring, or connect with it, PEOPLE WILL KNOW. Believe it or yes. I have seen people who get engaged, and NO ONE ever sees the ring. Why? They are engaged, and that's a happy thing, and people should celebrate with them. The ring though? They just don't completely like it. I have seen other people who have gotten engaged and when people ask them to see the ring, they act like you're trying to kiss them. aka. very awkward. And maybe they give you the "who does that" look. As in, "don't ask to see my ring. Please and thank you". I have experienced these two situations first hand, and you know what? I don't plan on being like any of those people.

So, this is where compromising and changing comes in. You love the person, the person loves you, and that whole "love"shpill. That's why you compromise and take the ring. Now why I would get it changed? This is why.  For me, a ring is much more than just the formalities of a proposal to be a bride and a wife. Its more than something to wear to let others know you married. It's more than something you show to people when they want to see proof that you're engaged. You see how beautiful that love is that you both share? Well this ring signifies that. This ring is a symbol of that beautiful love. I want to be able to connect with my ring. I want to be able to look at it and smile because my I can connect the feelings I have for my partner with it. I don't ever want to look at my engagement ring and think "only because he loves me". I want to look at it and be able to say "Nothing could be more beautiful or perfect." When people ask me if I love my ring, I don't want to have to lie. I want to be able to be sad when I forget to put it on because I love it so much, and not feel okay because besides, its not really my taste.  I'm not in the habit of settling for things that I don't want or like. A man on one knee and an engagement ring are not going to change that.

I know this guy that let his girlfriend build her engagement ring. At first I was like ahhh, that takes out the excitement, but think about how MUCH she'll love and connect with it, and how each thing she adds to it will mean something significant in their relationship. I also know people who have changed their wedding rings for one reason or another and kept the original one still because they connect with it, and feel something extra cause they have it. So there. If you notice as well, I said nothing about monetary value. Im sticking with how much you like and connect with it. If you like and connect with a ring worth $100 , then that's perfect for you. If you don't like or really connect with a ring that's a million bucks, well.. you know my opinion already. But then again, everyone has an opinion, and if after this youre still going wha wha wha wha WHAT?! then I think I know yours.

One last thing. Somewhere deep down, I have a feeling that even though people say #1, they'll still wanna change it if this actually happens to them. That automatically makes your choice number 3. #jussayin.

That's that... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

SOCIETY, OR YOU?

I have a question.

Scenario: I went out and came back home. The following conversation ensues with the parents. 
"good evening mom!"
"Hey, welcome back. How are ya?"
"Very well thank you!"
"good evening daddy!"
"sebaba! Welcome back! where did you go?"
"To see Derek." ***Not his real name.
One of the parents: "Shouldn't he be the one coming to see you?"

Fast forward to another scenario.

I was at a gallery show earlier this year, and the audience was critiquing a painting called "Orgao", greek word for "Orgasm". Lovely painting, very elaborate, intriguing and thought provoking. The only colours were white - which was the background, black and red. This one guy raised his hand and said "I don't like that the colours are black and red. Those colours are used to depict evil things.

Ok. Done with scenarios now. 

       It's a mans world. Guys ask girls out. The man is the bread winner and the woman is domestic. Fuck, shit, damn, are all swear words. Christianity is the right religion. No wait. Its actually Islam. Or hold up. Make it Buddhism. If you invite me out, you pay the bill. Or better still, let's split it. Men are presidents, women are anything but that. Its okay for girls to say "I love you" to each other, but guys better not be gay with that shit. Guys shouldn't cry. That's not very manly. Its rap music or hard rock. If you listen to RnB or soul music, you're some sort of sissy. You're still a virgin? at 23? Awwwww, poor thing!

Who says though? Society, or you? - That is my question.


      We are born into a very demanding world; one that comes with its own principles. Everyone should know that. However, I think one part we constantly fail to remember is that as much as this world has its own principles, we are born with choices. Our own, personal choices. Society has definitely informed our various cultures and lifestyles, and that's okay, but is it okay to let it inform every aspect of our lives? I'm not trying to make you agree with me. I'm just trying to make you think.       
       Half of the time people do stuff, its because of the people around them, or because that's the norm. Everyone has a sense of independence and discernment, and there is nothing wrong with exercising that. Society makes it look like you go with it, or you suck. Is this true? Absolutely, but only for those who believe it. You are allowed to inform who you are. You CAN inform who you are. But the only way to do it is to separate your principles and values from that of the society. If your beliefs line up with the society's, great! But if the society informs your idea of wrong and right, what to do and what not to do, then take a moment to evaluate things.
       I don't think I should wait for someone to come and see me cause he's male. If we are great friends, what really does gender matter? If red and black are in a painting, why does it have to be evil? Why can't it just be the artists choice of colour? Look at it this way. If everyone started living by themselves apart from society, do you realise that you wont have to care what someone thinks about your actions? Cause basically, no one would give a shit. (If you somewhere in your head, thought I just swore, you're the kind of person I'm addressing). People wont be as judgmental as they are now, and you wont be afraid to look less than someone else. This independence and individuality when it comes to principles and values will greatly weaken the holds of peer pressure, and the need to fit in.        
       Easier said than done, I know. But its easier done than thought when you actually start from somewhere. They say diamonds are a girls best friend. I say it could be tanzanite or pearls. They say its polite to hold the door for a woman. I say if you get to the door first, hold it. They say men ask girls out. I say if you want it, go get it. They say a respectful man doesn't hit a girl. I say any respectful person keeps their hands to themselves.        
       I could go on and on, and honestly, you don't have to agree with what "I say". What I'm saying in essence is this. Society dictates nothing to me. I make my own rules. Think about it.

That's all about society, or you...as i do it.         

~***shanpepe***~  

TO MY UNBORN...

Little one,
 I can't promise to be a perfect mother, but I promise to try to be perfect for you.
       I want to be able to give you the two most important things in life - Jesus, and good education. With those you can go wherever you want to go in life, and achieve anything. I want to be able to provide for you; give you the best of everything you'll ever need. That will be my sole responsibility. I want to be able to give you better opportunities than i have gotten, because i want you to excel far above my own accomplishments.
       I want to walk you through all the stages of your life, and teach what you need to know to survive each one. I want to be there when you say your first word and when your first tooth falls off. I want to be there to nurse every bruise and to tuck you in every night with a kiss. I never want to miss any key events in your life, so you can be convinced that no matter what happens, you'll always have a strong support system. I want to be there for every sports game, theater show, concert. I want to be able to sit in the audience and scream your name till I run out of breath or lose my voice. I want to be able to tap the lady next to me and say "hey, that's my child!" I want to drive you to your first day of school, and watch you walk down the aisle at graduation. I want to support your dreams and aspirations - financially, emotionally, and otherwise. I want to be the one to lay you a strong foundation, one on which you can keep building your life and withstand any form of adversity.
      I want us to be able to talk to each other...about anything and everything. I want to be the one you talk to about life. About morality and religion, about sex and puberty, about love and feelings, about peer pressure, about failure and imperfection, about dignity and self respect...about everything that makes you human. I want to be the source of your greatest and most commendable advice. I want to be there when you make friends and learn to share your life with others so I can help you see the beauty in living for more than just yourself. I want to be there when you get hurt or disappointed so that you're reminded that you're never alone. I want to be there when you fall in love and when you get your heart broken so I can help you through the pain. I wanna be just a phone call away when you need to talk, and just one step away when you need some encouragement or prayer.
      I want to be the one to discipline you. To tell you when you're wrong and correct you in fauthfulness and love. I want to be able to beat the shit out of you when you deserve it. I want to be able to stay out of your life when I need to, and let you make the mistakes you need to make to learn. Still, I want to be there when you make those mistakes so I can tell you what you could have done better. I want your inadequacies to be absent in my presence, and teach you that its perfecty okay to be flawed. I want to be able to say I'm sorry when I'm wrong, and apologse when I've hurt you. I want to be there to hold your hand when you need to make a tough decision, or to just hold you tight when you've made a wrong one. I want to be a model of the person you'd want to become.
      I want us to have fun together! I want you to love Trey Songz as much as i do so we can go poster shopping together and buy meet and greet packages to concerts. I want us to go get ice cream and chocolates and just lay in bed all day talking and eating just because we can. I want us to take vacations to your favourite places and walk the beach from sunset till dark at mine. i want us to experiment togeteher, try different things, and do new things.
     Most of all, little one, i just want to be your mother. To love you in the most honest and sincere way possible, and with the biggest and purest heart. To stand up for you in the face of others. To fight for your right any day, any time. To give you everything I can within my capacity. To be faithful in all my responsibilitites to you... Till death do us part.

    ...and one day, when I've lived and am aged, I want you to read this back to me, and tell me how well I succeeded.

Patiently waiting till you arrive,
Mommy.
xoxo

That is a letter to my unborn...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

A PIECE OF ECLIPSE... I

She's tried to find it.
      But if pain a teardrop, she's cried the pacific already;
If hurt a flower, she's been in the most beautiful gardens.
                  If that perfect end...if love... a book,
  she's remained in the contents.

     ...and it's pain of the brokenness a delicate heart feels
  watching the one she loves find happiness in another one's embrace.
      the sad torture of the realization that what she always wanted so bad, was no longer an option.
the complications of holding on...not because she wants to,
            but because there's no means of letting go.
        the uncertainties of not being able to give up what she never had;
                 not being able to move past what was once a wish... a hope... a fantasy.

all over again she's searching...
                             searching for lost hope.
  memories...    nostalgia...   she relives.
          it was all with him one minute, and the next only without him -
pained from the knowledge that it was just about what she could give,
          not what she could get;
how it made her feel, not what was real.
                   but she hadn't known. She'd wished...
                                                              and trusted...
                                                              and believed.

Now with every moment comes anxiety,
       every memory brings a chill.
    She'd laid her all, and behind him, he'd shut the door.
                    ...she'd made a mistake just thinking 'forever'.
She is what she is. She'll never change.
      what will the next be? Another mistake?
                                        another walk?
                                        another shut door?

Questions in her head...yearning in her heart.
So much love to give and no one to receive.
                                     
                        But what's emotion anyway?
         she's lost it to tears... her senses, to fears.
believe it or not, she's broken. She's bled.
   and the smile she wears is only a bit of her story.
She'll give others her words, and refrain from using them.
              cause since they quit writing her fairytale,
       they'd turned another's tragedy to one.

Everyday, every moment,
    she feels the hurt, and pain, and loneliness.
         she's letting go of the past, but the difficulty of walking away
when there's no visible path to future, burns.
        Time is done telling, it's her head now.
Not her heart anymore.
 Where her heart leads, her head won't go.
                 
Done with emotion; just started on nous.

Cry all night.
Drink all summer.
Take a shot...  for her.
                           ###

That's a piece of eclipse... as i do it.


~***shanpepe***~

WHAT HIS BLOOD MEANS... TO ME.

So, you know how they say the first step to overcoming something is to admit it? If you answered no, well there it is. "They" say something like that. Moving on. I have many issues I have to overcome but admitting them is the hardest part. I hate the fact that I cannot be perfect. I have to admit that to be fine with making mistakes. I hate the fact that I cannot get all A's. I have to admit that to be okay with getting B's. Those are mediocre compared to one of the hardest things I'll ever have to admit, and this is it: I let my fear keep me from living and achieving. You're probably saying "Oh? That's it?" The answer is no. You see, fear comes in different  shapes and forms - the fear of failure, the fear of imperfection, the fear of limitation, the fear of....cancer. I'm random with that last fear, and I know, but don't lose me just yet.
           Take one moment to think about the people that cancer has taken away - those you know personally, and those you've heard of. Uncountable huh? I know. As I write, one of my favourite people in this world is on a bed suffering at the hands of this terrible disease. I'm on my knees daily for a miracle for him, and when I get up, I get that slight chill of fear. Never fails. Why? Cause that could be me. Now you're wondering why I would fear when it could be anyone at all, and I will tell you why. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with a recurring condition of fibro adenoma. For those of you who don't feel like opening an extra tab to google what that means, I'll tell you. I have benign breast lumps...that are reoccurring. Meaning, if I take them out, they'll only just come back. I have 4 scars from surgery, and still have more than 9 lumps currently. Wow right? I know. My surgeon suggested I stop taking them out, but made it clear that I need to watch them closely and have regular check-ups because some cancerous ones come shielded in the looks of fibro adenomas. NOT what I wanted to hear.
          Maybe some of you still don't understand. I wake-up everyday, and I get a slight chill when I think about this. I get on my knees for cancer patients I know, and in the back of my head, I can't help but think that could be me some day. Every time I go for a check-up, I sit in that chair waiting for the radiologist to determine my results and the doctor to walk in with something to tell me. Believe it or not, it crosses my mind sometimes that it may be something I do not want to hear. Do you understand now? This is a fear that I LIVE with, and one that will never go away. This, might be

           You may have fears, and one of them may be of getting cancer, but you may not live with it like I do, and let me tell you now - both fears are not the same. Every time I talk to my mom, she always encourages me and reminds me that God is with me. When I say I am afraid, he asks me to cast ALL my fears on him for he cares for me. It is easy to hear this, but hard to obey. For many years I was stuck on why it had to be me. I am a young girl with a long life ahead of me, and this fear is not my idea of blissful maturity. If you don't get anything else from reading this, I want you to get this one thing: Jesus does something for us, that NO FEAR can take away. Let me explain.  Jesus died. He shed his blood. For us. For you... For me. And his word says by his stripes, we are healed. Why did he die for us? Because he loved us, and not just loved us, but loved us perfectly. What does the bible say about perfect love?

It casts out fear. If Easter means nothing to you, let it mean this one thing on my behalf... What his blood means to me.
            This past Wednesday, as I sat in that room after my ultrasound waiting for the radiologists results, and the doctor to come and tell me what he had to say, I was nervous as always. It is nerve wrecking. The doctor walked in and told me that everything looked about the same as last time, and that I didn't have anything to worry about, but reminded me to keep an eye on everything. After I breathed my sigh of relief, he looked at me and said, "Do you ever wonder, why you?" I smiled for a couple seconds and looked back at him and replied, "You know, maybe before, but not anymore. At this point, I'm more grateful than anything." The reason why I am more grateful than anything is because I know God never leaves me. I know what his blood has done for me, and what it means to me. I'm human, and I will fear, but God's perfect love overcomes my fear. That is why in 24 hours I may have just 5 seconds of fear. I spend the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds being aware of God's presence with me, and his perfect love for me.

            So if you see me on twitter ranting off about my "twins" and encouraging girls to get checked because breast cancer is real, there it is. Now you know why. I don't know what it is in your life people, but Jesus died for you and for me. His blood covers everything that could possibly bother you. It is true that people die, and things go wrong, but when you have Jesus, everything will be okay.. in life... or in death.

Happy Easter.

This is what His blood means to me... as I do it.
     
~***shanpepe***~

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