MY STRANGER II

Dear Stranger,
...It's me. Again.
This time however, it's a much bigger and deeper cut. I'd love to say that I know where to start, but with you, there's never really a beginning... or an end. There's just always a more than complicated "in-between". A lot of times, I wish that it wasnt as complicated as it always is. This time, the straw broke the camels back.
     I need vocabulary more than I have to be able to express these feelings. They're more than even my mind can comprehend, and it's totally unreal. I don't even get me anymore. I don't recognise this person I am when it comes to you. I tell myself that I cannot do certain things, and when I think about you, I end up telling myself that I can. I said I wouldnt fall again, trust again, believe again. When it comes to you, it's as though I don't even have a choice. I just fall, trust and believe. This is not me. I don't know who this person is; this person that says something and does another. I don't recognize her. She smiles without a reason to. She runs into walls lost in thought. She always wants to call or text you, and wishes its you when her phone goes off. She loves without a peice of herself. This girl? No. I don't know her. I recognize the me that says I won't do something, and stick to it. The me that makes my choices. The me that gets irritated at every couple of texts. The me that always loves half-heartedly because of the fear of getting hurt. That's the me I know.
    No one has ever made me feel like I am another person in a happier world that I constantly long to be in. You would make me feel that way, and STILL be a stranger. I don't get what it is with you. You take me halfway, the let me walk the rest of the road alone. Why would you start the walk with me if you don't intend to cross the finish line with me? Why would you take my hand and not hold it? Why would you make me stand and not be my support? Why would you make me love, and then hurt me? I wish I understood. But every time I wish, you remind me.. It's only a wish.
   It's been an eternity of trying to figure out what it is with us. An eternity suggests the longest time I can think of. I keep telling myself time will tell - my feelings and reality - but you know, there's only so much time tells, before I have to listen to my head, and quit following my heart. My heart brings out the person in me that I don't recognize. My head brings out the me in me that I know. And even though my heart keeps telling me to give it another shot, my head is saying it's not worth the fall again. If I ever told myself that I couldn't move on, you were the one thing I needed to prove to me that I could.
   I'm not bitter, mad, or angry. I'm just hurt, but I'm learning to live each day as it comes, knowing that nothing really lasts forever. I knew that I was wishing on a star that was not going to fall, but I wished anyway, hoping that if it was worth it, I could go get it. For so long I thought it was worth it, and chose to believe it, but hey, the best things in life are totally free, and whatever comes at a price, I definitely do without. Easy said? Certainly. Easy done? Not the slightest bit. But I've learned to accept my pain, and fight through it, because from this pain comes the will and power to move on.
    I'm not going to say that I can move on in the blink of an eye. I can't. I'm not going to say that I can think about my life without you in it. I can't. I'm not going to say that I will forget you, and everything I've been through because of you. Not happening. What I can comfortably say is, I'm slowly acquiring the ability to live without the people that I love. My first teacher was death. My second has been you.

There's one true confession that my soul bleeds to reveal.

Good-bye.... Stranger
Please remain a stranger to me... FOREVER. :-)

That's Stranger Part II... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

[Keep up with 'The Stranger Series'... Find part I in my archive!]
Photo credit: http://www.layoutsparks.com/1/196158/i-miss-you-42-1.html

ASK YOURSELF...

... are you celebrating your success, or someone else's failure?

       If you know anything about me and sports, I am literally the biggest fan of the Golden Tornado Basketball and Volleyball teams. [If you don't know who the golden tornado's are, google them.] I was at a volleyball game yesterday, and the girls were battling for the 1st position in the PAC [President's Athletic Conference] with the Bethany College Bisons. As usual, I sit there, and pray all through the game for these girls. Minus having a relationship off the court with some of them, volleyball has always been one of my favorites. We won the first game 25-19, and I was like well, expected. you know. Our girls kick ass. The second game, we lost 25-16. That was when I realised that this was actually a battle. I didn't stop praying. Third game, we won 25-19 and the fourth we won 25-15. LIKE #BAWSES.
     This was an amazing win! The Bisons had an overall record of like 24 wins and 3 losses before they played The Golden Tornadoes, and we had lost to them before. It was much more than a good feeling to win this one. Besides, when the Bison girls started to cheer, they were loud and annoying. There were certainly moments when I was totally ticked off by their loud and veryyyy annoying cheers, and wished I could somehow shut them up. I didn't really need to though. Us winning was definitely enough to quiet them down after, and that made me happy. But as I walked away from the gym yesterday evening, it somehow crossed my mind to ask myself what I was most happy about - That our girls won, or that the Bisons lost. Trsut me, they are not the same thing.
     You see, life is a very unfortunate adventure sometimes. It just happens that wherever there is a competition, there has to be a winner, and there has to be a loser. It is naturally ingrained in our human nature to want to be the best at everything and win. Therefore, everyone wants to win. Winning is the good side.Winning is what brings all the good feelings and senses of accomplishment. Winning is everythinG. [capital 'g' there is intentional]. However, do you ever take time to understand the mindset you have after winning? Yes, you won, and that is something to be happy about. But are you also happy at another man's loss? Think about it carefully. There are also times when you will lose. Losing is the bad side. No one wants to lose to anyone else. Losing brings feelings of inadequacy, and senses of failure. I won't say losing is nothing [you'll understand if you read my last post], but losing isn't half of what winning is. You lose, and that is nothing to be happy about. Think about the mindset you have after you lose. Are you sad that they won, or sad that you lost? Think about it carefully. You see how it's different?
     It's important to realise that life is a snafu. Things go up and the very next moment their right back down. You can never predict the happenings of life, and therefore, can never be all time winning or all time losing. Because of this, it is very significant that you understand what mindset you have when you're winning or when you're losing, because you never know where you're going to be next. As I walked on court to congratulate the GT's and celebrate with them, I looked over to my right, and the Bison's were in a circle, I'm guessing with their coach in the middle saying something to them. For a moment I felt a little for them. And don't get me wrong, I was anything more than happy that our girls won, but a part of me still felt that compassion for this other team. Failure is not easy for anyone, especially great people, and you only realise that when you can step into their shoes and feel it yourself.
      You by no means, have to put out someone's light to make yours shine brighter. If you're a winner, be happy that you won, and don't have the mindset of focusing on the loss of the other person. You may be the next person to maybe not even only step in the shoes of failure, but as much as walk in them. If you lose, don't  have the mindset that focuses on the negative feelings toward the winner. Focus on yourself and what you can do to get better and improve. You may be the next person to maybe not even only step in the shoes of success, but walk in them.
      I just thought somebody needed to know this.

That's all about asking yourself ...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

EVERY BROKENNESS, EVERY SCAR

You know... or not. No, you don't know. But I'll tell you.

Sometimes I get in the shower just because I want to cry. Not even you can tell your tears apart from water in the shower. Sometimes someone else gets the job over me. Sometimes I sit to talk to God, and I can only ask questions that I never seem to get answers to. Sometimes I stand in the rain hoping it would wash away all those memories that I want to get rid of. Sometimes I'm all alone even when I could do with the least bit of company. Sometimes I watch those sad tragic movies, and feel like I'm watching a reflection of myself. Sometimes I just need to talk but that's when everyone is busy.
        Don't be so quick to judge me though. Everyone has some of those moments. Those moments when things go terribly wrong and don't seem to ever get better, and neither crying yourself to sleep, or believing what helps you sleep at night works. It's kinda depressing that all those times that you wish you would forget are the ones that never really take the back seat in your head. They sit in front as a constant reminder to all the pain, hurt, and distressing stuff you've been through. They torment you with all the terrible memories, when you'd rather want them buried off somewhere that even you can't find them. We end up being enemies to these memories and negative times in our lives, and all we can really think about is what we were like before these situations, and what we are like right now, after them - the shift from wholeness to brokenness, and beauty to scars. No one wants to remember that they were once whole, and now are broken, or once beautiful, and now are all scarred.
        As human beings we make everything negative, negative. It's not in our human nature to make anything negative, positive. However, right in the middle of deep brokenness and the most obvious scars, there's the most beautiful story. Your story. Call me insane or naiive, or believe it. Think about those people with a former drug and alcohol addiction, or eating disorder, or depression, or someone that has had an abortion, or someone that has been sexually abused. Have you ever wondered how these people ever rise out of those positions to tell their stories to hugeee numbers of people? Think about it. Every little time that you've cried yourself to sleep, or been hurt by someone you loved, or lost a friend, a mother, a loved one, or felt like the world everyone else was living in was different, or been the victim in any form or situation; ALL those times have played a vital role in building the strength in the person that stares back at you when you look in the mirror. The book of your life, your story, and ultimately YOU, would be incomplete without all the chapters of hurt, pain and distress. The reason you are able to stand in all the strength that you do, is not because you hate what has happened to you, and don't ever want to remember it. It is because you embrace every little bit of it, and tell yourself that you want to rise above it, and become the best person that you can be.
         There is grandeur in every brokenness, and splendor in every scar - physical or emotional. And that grandeur and splendor is you taking something undesirable and destructive, and turning it into strength that cannot be explained, and a story that has to be told! It's most certainly easier said than done, but instead of liking the person that you are - one that just takes whatever comes like it comes, love the person that you have the potential to be - the person that makes greatness of brokenness, and splendor of scars. Why? Because there's a little bit of you in every brokenness and every scar, and once you make greatness and splendor out of them, you make greatness and splendor out of who you are.
        So you see, wounded and pained? Yes. Broken and shattered to pieces? Absolutely. However, instead of looking at myself and remembering how flawless I used to be, I take another look and see how far I've come. It took all the hurt and suffering to become what I've become. Now, I'm more than content because with God, I've emerged the most beautiful person from all that I have been through....Only because I realized that there's a little bit of me in every brokenness and every single scar. :-)

That's every brokenness, and every scar... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS??

...and by "this" i mean this thing that has now become a trend. Or let me not say "now become", because it may have always been a trend but has just taken me this long to figure it out. Either way, i want to understand "this" thing, but i'll first start by saying this. When you have something, you unintentionally mess with it because you have it. Because it's still there, you don't notice how bad you've messed with it. You repeat this a second time,  and when it's still there, you notice that you messed with it but it didn't go nowhere. So what happens the third time?
     "This" thing... i may not have a good command of diction, but just try to track me on this. He wants her... to just be there for him. That's basically it. If you've been through this (which i'm guessing will be a large population of girls reading this, because that's all i ever see anymore when i turn my head from one side to another), you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. He wont make an official girlfriend out of you, but he wants you to do all the things that girlfriends do, and to act like one. Then he gets mad when you do things that a single lady would do. (Fill in the blank with allllllll the things that single lady's do). I know that there are a lot of unwritten rules, and i dont know if it is just me, but i don't know the one that says that the man in a non-dating relationship is allowed to get mad at the lady when she acts like she's single.
     Yes, i say it has become a trend, because people i know, people i don't, all around the place, this circumstance has become the norm. Previously, i would have called girls that still hung around men like these pathetic, but not anymore. See, i'm a woman, and I've had only two serious relationships in my life, because when i love someone, i really do love them. Therefore, i can speak for women, and it would be at least a little accurate to say that if a woman doesn't walk out the door the very first time you take steps away, it means that she feels strongly. If she still doesnt walk out after some time of you not giving her the official go ahead to walk with her arm intertwined in yours on the streets, then she feels very strongly. This is where the foundation of "this" lies. Because these men know that their women feel so strongly, and wont walk away that easy, they want to do what they want to do, but have these women as a stable to always be there. (I may be wrong. But i'm trying to make the most accurate guess that i can.)
     There really isn't much i can do to understand this, because if i said i was going on a mission to understand boys, i'd be going on a wild goose chase. However, i may have an idea of how it works for the woman. Yes, women (with many exceptions) love, and are committed, and faithful and stuff. But there's only so much a woman, no matter what she feels, can take. She may hide tears with a smile, a depressed spirit with a song, a broken heart with words, but see, there's still strength and the will to move on; something that the whole world may never get to realize. Every woman has a breaking point, (I wasn't really quoting Keri Hilson, but whatever.) and when she gets there, she'll do what she can to get rid of whatever got her there. I cant vouch for all the women in the world, but i can say with a level of confidence that many will walk. With that being said, some boys just don't realise that they are on their way to creating some lady's breaking point, or even being it themselves (if that makes sense in your head like it does in mine).
       I'm not saying go around wifing every girl that seems to give a shit about you. That will be lame. Very lame indeed. What I'm saying is this. When you have something, you unintentionally mess with it because you have it. Because it's still there, you don't notice how bad you've messed with it. You repeat this a second time,  and when it's still there, you notice that you messed with it but it didn't go nowhere. So the third time, you mess with it intentionally because you know that no matter how far you'll walk, you'll come and find it right where you left it. This third time, you'll come back to a void, of not just no one, but nothing. it may take you 4,5,6,7, or even 8 times or more, but the moment you make it a habit of messing with something just because you know it will always be there, you'll lose it. No girl that gives you her heart and acts right deserves to be a trophy - just used for attention and pride because she's cute, decent, or just has a nice body. Also, no girl will always "just be there". Everyone has the capacity to move on in them. And any man that makes a trophy out of a lady, may just be the reason that she realises hers.


So, this is my own shot at a response to "this"... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

"YOU'RE CALLING ME TO WALK BY FAITH, SO I WILL TAKE A LEAP".

As is my usual tradition before any semester begins, I get on my knees and commit it into the hands of the Lord. From then on, I do my part to the best of my ability and leave the rest to God.

"I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens, down at your feet. And anytime I don't know what to do, I will cast all my cares upon you".

Last semester was tough for me. I started out like okay, this is going to be good. Apparently not. Some way through the semester i'm hating myself cause I couldn't get the grades that I wanted, and I just couldn't do things right. Being the annoying perfectionist that I am, it got me very worried. With every step I took, it just got worse. My mind started to tell me to settle for B's where I didn't think I could make A's. For every time that I tried, my psyche told me that I'd fail twice over. I was literally slowly giving up on my efforts, but then again, I got on my knees and prayed.

"I just can't give up now. I've come to far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy, and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me"!

You know, God really means it when he says he won't ever leave me or forsake me. He means it when he says he will be with me. He means it when he says he won't give me more than I can handle. He means it when he says if we ask, he gives. He means it when he says that in our weakness his strength is made perfect. Above all, he means it when he says his grace is sufficient for me.

"Your grace is enough for me".

I kept track of my scores for every class, (like i always do) just so I could now where I stood. I was sure of one B grade, and a mixture of A's and A-'s. When I used the g.p.a calculator, I came out with a 3.6 for the semester. My goal was a 3.8 at the beginning of the semester, now it was the end, done with classes and all, not time to make up anyy grades, and I try calculating and come up with a 3.6 g.p.a. Very literally, I almost started crying. I didn't understand why God would let something like this happen when he saw how hard I worked all semester, and how fervently I prayed to reach my goal.

""The Voice of Truth tells me a different story, the Voice of Truth says do not be afraid. The Voice of Truth says this is for my glory, out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth".

I didn't worry about it anymore and I told God that I was disappointed but that there was nothing else I could do, so I thanked him for how much he helped me through the semester and at least what my grades came out to be. A couple of days later my friend posts a status on facebook about how she got a 3.9 something g.p.a, and how that was the best one she'd ever gotten, and it suddenly reminded me to check mine. I was very scared to even open it, cause sometimes you expect more than you actually got, but since I already knew my fate, I went and opened it. When I looked at my grades the first time, I had to log out and log back in to make sure they were right. Logging back in confirmed it - All A's and a 3.94 g.p.a. I was literally speechless.

"With you, all things are possible, like an eagle I can soar. With you, the giants fall, they rise no more. With you, I overcome, when fear and faith collide. There's nothing I can't do, anything is possible with you".

Again, I was literally speechless. If you ask me how to tell you how that happened, till today I swear I can't, cause I have not the slightest idea. God walked with me. He kept all his promises to never leave me. He held my hand when it was rough, and carried me when I needed rest. This God I serve.. the same one I prayed to at the beginning of the semester asking for help, at the middle of the semester asking for strength, and at the end, both complaining 'bout where I was, but at the same time thanking him for how far he brought me. Once again, I got on my knees.

"I get on my knees, I get on my knees. There I am before the Lamb that changes me. See I don't know how but there's power, when I'm on my knees".

I really do't know how, but there's power when you're on your knees. Another semester awaits me. Another semester awaits you. I got on my knees and said this same prayer yesterday before my semester started today. I told God what I want. He knows that I am nervous about Political Science 352 - (a core that everyone at my school has to take, and quite simply, it's a beast). He knows that my other classes may be a little overwhelming for me. But he also knows, that I'm looking up to him like I did before. 

"I dance..like the rain on the roof, tell my soul that my spirit's on the loose, don't know if anyone will understand, it feels like an angel's got a hold of my hand. So I dance".

I guess this is a challenge to you. Get on your knees and tell God what you want. The Bible says that God never forsakes the righteous. If you tell him what you want, AND DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER BY WORKING THE HARDEST YOU CAN to make it, he'll honour your request. If he doesn't, we don't serve the same God. 

Its better to walk in the dark with God by faith, than to walk in the light, alone by sight. 

That's my little challenge to you.. as i do it.

~**shanpepe***~

SO, LET'S JUST SAY...

...that a lot of times you say how pathetic a situation is until you get to be in it yourself. Am I guilty? Yes, yes, I am; and if you're asking what the pathetic situation is, let's just say that "I'm still in love with Judas baby". If you get it, good for you, and if you don't, well, try harder next time.

It's been a long summer... long enough for me to learn a lot of things about myself... good, bad, and in between. I realised that I really like coconut and pineapple juice mixed; that I cannot stand things that sit awkwardly on a surface; that I'm a sucker for good looking hair (lie..i've kinda always known that); that sometimes I actually like short nails better than long ones; that you dont just walk into any salon in Abuja cause you might end up paying through your nose; that I may still have feelings for my ex; that I have tendencies of being arthritic in the future; that I really missed the studio more than I thought I did... many many things. Meaningless and meaningful alike. But there are two things that stood out.
              First off, I can never be perfect. Every perfectionist reading this will understand the struggle we face coming to terms with the fact that no matter how good we are, we cannot be perfect. I make mistakes and forget important stuff. I tell myself I won't do something, and I end up not only doing it, but doing it with excess. I take days, weeks, months, to make up my mind about something, and then it takes me just one second to completely change my mind again. It's not easy dealing with the fact that I cannot be perfect, but it's a lot more than just my imperfection. Sometimes I put soo much pressure on myself to be perfect, that I forget to be me. I forget that I don't chose what happens to me. I forget that I don't get to chose what I can and cannot feel. I forget that I can't always plan perfectly, because I don't know tomorrow. I've had to learn to let myself live life, and not try to make it all perfect, because perfection? That's just not me. When I trip on a stone and fall? Now that's me. When I let myself believe, trust, and love again after I've said I wouldn't? That's me. When I plan my day and forget to do something important? That's me. My imperfection is what makes me who I am, and instead of detesting that imperfect part of me, I'm learning to embrace it.
              Secondly, I know what I'm worth. It's not like I haven't known all long, but sometimes you just need a little incident to remind you of just how much. Now I'm not going to say my reminder came from a little incident, but hey, we all walk this same road of life, and yet none has an indentical story. But yeah, some bumps, n roller coasters along this path of summer have made me realise that I am worth something that no one can ever take away from me. I don't need an angel to drop from heaven to upgrade my self esteem. Someone told me this summer, "You've transitioned from fitting in to standing out, and I see you!". Belee dat! There are some things I won't do, some behaviours I won't engage in, some games I won't play, because I know that I'm worth much more than they can offer. This is real life, and there comes a time when you have to stop trusting your heart and trust your head, because your head puts things in logical perspective, and helps you make the decisions of which balls to throw and which to keep.
             But you see, I only figured out these things because I ended up in those same situations that I once sat in my chair and called pathetic. So what I'm just saying is. Before you sit down next time to judge some situation that someone ended up in, remember to tell yourself that they are learning lessons that you may never be able to learn until to get to where they've been... PATHETIC PLACES. *wideeee smile*

Replace the word pathetic if you like. Only with a synonym though. *shrug*

That's all about uhhh, what is it? ...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

IT'S CONFUSING SOMETIMES...

“Let go! You’re hurting my wrist!”, Diane screamed, as Carter pulled her out of the house.

It wasn’t much of a problem to Carter because the loud music overshadowed every bit of the scream. He pulled her out until they got to where all the cars were parked and it was fairly quiet.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Carter asked with anger in his voice.

Diane just stared at him with a blank facial expression. She pulled her wrist free from his grip and used her left palm to rub and sooth her now hurting wrist. “Uhhhh, it’s a party. I was having fun until you rudely interrupted me by pulling me out like a dog on a leash”.

“That’s what you call it?” Carter asked with surprise in his voice. “Rudely interrupting?”

“I was having a serious conversation Carter. Yes, you rudely interrupted me.”

Carter made a fist with right hand and lightly pushed down on the trunk of the car the stood against. “Diane, serious conversations haven’t been the only thing you’ve been doing tonight. I’ve been watching”.

Diane stared at him in utter dismay. “why exactly are we having this conversation?” she lifted her right hand and put on her waist before she realized that her wrist still hurt wayyy too much to do that. “I don’t owe you any answers. It’s a party and I will do what I want to have fun. Is there a part of that you do not understand Carter?”

“Actually, yes.” Carter answered with a sense of sarcasm in his voice. “Are you doing this to make me jealous? Or make me angry, or to just simply provoke me?” he asked.

She smirked. “Really? Make you jealous? Sheesh. You sure do have a lot of time to think this over. We’re not a couple. Remember? If u didn’t hear me the first time, hear me again.” She turned and faced him. “I will do whatever I want.”

“No you won’t” Carter quickly answered with severe anger in his voice.

“Excuse me?” 

“Because now we are a couple.” He answered. “And you will respect that”.

“Woooooowwww”, remarked Diane. “Now we are a couple? I succeed in making you jealous without the intention to, and all of a sudden we’re a couple?” She lifted her left palm to her forehead and turned away to look back at the house for a brief second. “You know, all I have ever wanted is to be your girl, but that I love you doesn’t mean I don’t have my head in the right place.” She took a deep breath.

“If you really wanted to be with me, you’d be with me now. You won’t have had to wait till you realized how hurt you were seeing me with other people. If you’re ever going to be with me, be with me for the right reasons”.

Carter lifted his face and looked into her eyes.

“So no Carter,” she said. “We’re not a couple”.

“why are you being like this Diane?” He softened up a bit since he realized this conversation was not going like he expected.

“Being like this?” She released a little frustrated laugh. “Seriously Carter? I’ve lived the last few months asking myself why you’re ‘being like this’”.

“Okay. Slow down cause you’re losing me”.

“I’ve had to deal with you acting like other girls are more important than me; which may actually be true. I got jealous but I didn’t drag you out of a party hurting you by the wrist. I’m always the one texting you or calling you to meet up somewhere, or something just so I cud see you. I almost always have to text you first cause it seems like you forget me once we’re not together. I’ve had to wonder if I was ever being a pest, or disturbing you. All this about the man that claims to love me. So I’ll answer the question after you. Why are you being like this Carter?”

Carter lowered his head and stared at his feet, making the realization that Diane was nowhere near wrong. “I’m sorry Diane. There’s just been a lot to deal with”.

“A lot to deal with? You think I’m not dealing with a lot? You think all this is easy for me? It just seems like you say all the sweet stuff to me but don’t even care about me being happy.”

“How could you say that?” Carter seemed more hurt now than angry.

“Well that’s how it has seemed all along. At least to me.” She answered.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You acted like everything was okay and all of a sudden you come out with all this stuff? How was I supposed to know any of this? How?” Carter wasn’t pleased with any of this information he was getting.

“I still don’t know why we’re having this conversation”. Diane interjected.

Carter looked into her eyes “I want to make things right.”

“Now? Like this? I don’t think so Carter. If u want to make things right, do it for the right reasons, and do it at the right time.” Diane replied. “Right now, I am getting back to my ‘serious conversation’ and other things”.

She turned around and walked back towards the house, and in that moment, Carter realized that he had something extraordinary that if he didn’t fight for, he was about to lose.

That's whatever it is... as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

THIS PLACE I SPEAK OF...

I step off the plane and this very hot humid air hits my face, and instantly I’m reminded that it’s no longer 65 degrees. It’s now like 90. As I walk towards the entrance, I’m handed an immigration form that looks like it has been copied seven times over to fill. *smile* I walk hurriedly towards immigration hoping that the air conditioner would be on and I’d once again be blessed with some cool weather. I was very much disappointed. It was still hot and humid. Either the air conditioners were spoiled, or they just weren’t on. I was 99% sure that the latter was NOT the case. Lol. I heard a woman shouting “citizens left, non citizens, right”! I found my line, or rather my place, because it didn’t look much like a line with people trying to cut in other people’s places. As I filled my form, some man behind me asked for my pen when I was done. This happened every single year – except I didn’t have a pen at all. (which was never the case.)

I finally got through immigrations, and headed to recover my luggage at a baggage claim point which was a tad bit larger than half the size of the one where I was coming from. I couldn’t even see the bags going round because of the number of people that surrounded it so I leaned against a pole hoping someone people would find their own real quick and step out to give me room to wait for mine. It seemed like I had forgotten that where I was, I needed to hustle. As soon as I remembered, I dropped my bags at the feet of that pole, and tried to sneak my way to the front to find my bags. The lady beside me finally got all hers and gave me room to breathe a little. (phew). After a while mine came and I started to make my way towards further immigration checks. When I got there, my form – the one that looked like it had been copied seven times over – was collected, and I was asked to proceed to the exit. A wide smile crossed my face, but not until I had found my baggage tags, because I would not be let out of there without them. Surprisingly, no one was checking baggage tags! I quickly saw someone wearing a long black dress I recognized and as the person came towards me, I figured my ride was here. Thank goodness I didn’t have to wait for anything.

I hugged her, and she took two of my bags from me. We rode to the car, and native music began to play. Now this was something I loved – the native music! It was a long ride to our destination and when taxi drivers drove craaaazzzzzzzyyyyyyy, I remembered that this was nothing like where I was coming from – no stop signs to control traffic and no speed limits. Yup! We made our way into the city and to our destination. As I stepped into the house and turned on the switch, no power came on. There wasn’t any power. I sighed because I wished that there would be some at least to welcome me. Again, I was wrong. I began to take my luggage into the room that I had been shown, and then power returned! Yes!!! Excited, I quickly took my stuff to the room and fell on the big, bed. The air conditioners were put on, and I was offered something to eat by my host. First plate, then second, then third. I hadn’t this kind of good food in a while! We watched t.v and talked and laughed until it was time for bed. I took a very hot shower, changed my clothes and jumped under the covers. The cool air from the air conditioner beat my feet, and I slept more comfortably than I had since last august for about three hours until I woke up again. Why? There was no power, and I had to open to the windows to get some air. It wasn’t until I could not go back to sleep that I realized that I was jetlagged. Oh my good friend was back again. It wasn’t a bother, I picked up my laptop and played solitaire from 3 am until about 7 am before I was able to go back to sleep – sweet sleep.

Some of you have been itching to know where I was. This place I speak of. This Nigeria. This Home.

That's about my first day of home...as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

GET THAT BOOTY? SURE?

If you follow me on twitter, you probably know that I'm taking summer class, and very simply, I describe it as my worst decision in college. However, I'm taking it with a totally awesome professor [Keith Martel] so that straightens some of the rods. Today in class, I laughed till I cried, and I am just about to tell you why.

    So Keith Martel, my professor is the director of the Center for Faith and Practice at my school, and therefore attends this conference called  'Jubilee' every February in Pittsburgh. It's a christian conference that brings about 2000 college students together for worship and fellowship for one weekend.
    Mr. Martel [yes, I refuse to call him Keith] was at one of these conferences, and there was a speaker which he described as a very beautiful woman. She wrote on everything from being a christian to renewal, restoration, community, and all that. Now she had aged, and as Mr. Martel [soon to be doctor btw.] guessed, she would've been in her 70's. I guess aging caught up with her and she was beginning to go blind as well.
    So this beautiful woman was scheduled to speak at this conference. The time approaches and as she sits before 2000 college students to speak, she's so motivating and inspiring that no one had the urge "to pick up thier phones and text." She goes on and on, and then she says, "as Christians, we need to go into the world, and get that booty." [revised quote]. And no I didnt make a mistake. She said 'booty'. According to Mr. Martel, everyone is sitting there on the verge of laughter but trying not to. Not knowing what was going on, she said it again. This time, everyone started dying with laughter cause no one could hold it in. This poor lady has no idea why people are laughing so hard, and then she says it... a third time.
   Apparently, 'booty' in her sentence meant treasure.So in other words, we as christians are supposed to go out and get that treasure. Now, this is the 21st century and I'm pretty sure 'booty' means only one thing to people of this century. I'm also sure, that people of this beautiful womans age know the word 'booty' to mean only one thing as well. The problem however, is that the meanings of these two different audiences do not correspond.
   Quite literally, when Mr. Martel told this story, me and some other people in the class laughed.  A LOT.
However, this is what got me dying with laughter. After Mr. Martel had explained how bad he felt for this lady because of her lack of knowledge of the definition of the term 'booty' to this present generation, one of my classmates said "Well, that can also be a treasure"! In other words, 'booty' as we know it, 'we' being you and me, can also be a treasure. Very very literally, I laughed so hard that I cried.
   So beautiful ladies, and handsome gentlemen, the very next time you are going to give a speech to even as little as 10 or 20 people, make proper use of your dictionary, or research your audience to know what kind of diction they use. You don't want to say get that booty, and mean treasure, when everybody youre talking to knows booty to mean, quite simply, booty.

That's umm, getting that booty.. oh wait. I mean treasure.. as i do it.

~***shanpepe***~

...MAYBE BEFORE. BUT NOT ANYMORE.

      I'm standing staring out my window. What am I staring at? A storm. A legit storm - like branches are breaking off trees, trash cans are being carried with the wind, and I can literally see the water running across the surface of the sidewalks. yes. That kind of storm.
      Knowing me, I should be somewhere under my covers sipping on French vanilla cappuccino and watching a movie. But I'm standing here, looking at this storm, and I can't leave. Not because I don't want to, but because as I stare in the face of that storm, I see me. I see my life. I see you.
      I watch as those branches break off the trees and all I see is the perfect chemistry we once had breaking off and falling away. My eyes follow the trash cans being carried with the wind, but all I see is how far away you're drifting from me everyday. I look for the meaning in the water running across the surface of the sidewalks, but I don't need an angel to remind me of how many directions my emotions have been running in for the past few days, or even more accurately, weeks. I take just one step back to view the whole storm, and very plainly, I see you and me.
     I haven't always been the one to step out of a storm, but they say there's always a first time. For every time that I tried to be there for you, you were off attending to someone else. For every time that I tried to make you comfortable, you resided in your comfort and never cared about mine. For every time that I turned down an approach, you made out with someone that I may never get to know. For every time that I took the extra mile, you lifted the weight off your back, and put it on mine. For every time that I thought I could make things work, you never failed to remind me that it was only just a thought. If I had never been able to walk out of a storm before, you have just taught me to. Here it goes ...my first time.
     The only way I can actually see what's going on in a storm is to step out of it... to step out of this... to step out of me.. and you. I don't expect to stand in a storm and not get wet, and there's only so much water I can take before I drown. I want to be able to experience sunshine... real beauty... true happiness, and I can't do that in a storm.
     You've hurt me. So much that words alone cannot describe the sensations and feelings that have run through this heart and mind of mine. You've gotten me soaked so much in this storm that I didn't even realise it until I began to drown. Then again, maybe that is what I need to step out of it. Maybe that was the awakening I needed to recognize that I could have better. Maybe that was the battle I had to fight to still have some sense of emotion to accept someone else, because they say it is true that you don't know what you have until it's gone, but even more true, that you have no idea what you have been missing till it arrives.
    I'm out of this with you, and on a new search for what my heart deserves. And I don't regret the time I spent in that storm - with or without you, because it has only served to teach me my value, and my worth. I'm sorry it took me this long to figure out that "us" is not what you want, and most importantly, not what I want either. I'm sorry that my happiness doesn't lie in you. I'm sorry, but I can't be with you.
    I'm still standing at my window.. staring at the storm. Ordinarily, I would have gone out to pick the broken branches and hope they grow again, to put the trash cans right back where they belong, or to make the water move smoothly across the surface of the sidewalk.
                   ***Maybe before, but not anymore*** I just turned my back to the window. I'm walking towards the warmth of my bed, and a hot cup of French vanilla cappuccino. I'll be watching a movie... and waiting for the sun to shine.

That's heartbreak... as I do it.

[Shout Out to Philip Dakum for the inspiration. The love never dies homie.]

~***shanpepe***~